In shock,Don't know what to say,pls help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In shock,Don't know what to say,pls help
4
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 8:18pm
OK, I am a Hard working Mom of 2 girls 15 and 7

I usually drop them off to school, and I head on to work,

after school my sister picks up her son and my girls.

Today, I did everything as every morning, only this day

I took off work, dropped the kids off,

and went on to take care of business,

come home, go straight to doing laundry

back and forth from laundry room and kitchen,

then I settle in the kitchen during the wash,

read a magazine, this is all about 30 minutes

I get up to head upstairs,

and could not believe my ears,

I hear sounds of my 15 year old having sex.

I feel bad because I went in and struck her

I am so shocked, I never knew my daughter was active,

I never knew anyone was in the house

she actually left school thinking I was going to work.

No telling how long this has been going on,

I just don't know how to deal with it, or what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:49pm
First of all take a deep breath mom. Then go in and sit your daughter and yourself down and have a LONG talk. Don't accuse and LISTEN to what she has to say. Be sure to find out if she is "protected" and remind her that even the best protection on the market isn't 100% effective. Condoms have been known to leak or break. Birth Control Pills are NOT 100% effective and depending on hormonal inbalances, certain medications, even vitamins can have an effect on the strength of Birth Control Pills. The "damage" so to speak has already been done, I also advise a visit to the doctor, have her tested for stds and aids. She may protest but tell her that since she IS sexually active that THIS is one of the "little things" that comes with it and remind her that she should have these tests done at least once a year as long as she continues to be sexually active...because you never know. You might also want to ask the doctor for information on pregnancy and options...including abortion. Not that you are FOR or AGAINST it...purely for infomation. Photos of aborted fetuses can be a VERY good deterent by the way. It's not a pretty sight. It would also be "helpful" if the boy were around for some of these talks...especially the ones with the photos of the fetuses, show HIM what he might be responsible for and also remind HIM that with the choices that the both of them made the BOTH of them are responsible for ALL consequences, a visit with HIS parents would be a good idea as well. Then it will be the waiting game for the next month or so considering you don't know how long this has been going on. Keep an eye on her cycles, note any changes and if there are any, get her to the doctor. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 12:29am
I can only imagine just how shocked you were, elnora ...

Go to your dd, and tell her from your heart that you're sorry you reacted the way you did. Tell her that just because you're a parent doesn't make you exempt from making mistakes. Tell her how you feel, from your heart. Talk to her about protection, and the other such related topics as the other poster suggested. Ensure she's protected physically at least.

Lay out ground rules for what happens in your home. Stated simply, clearly.

Talk to her about the emotional impact of a sexual relationship; it's something I've learned a lot of teens don't have a clue about until they're hurt.

Forgive yourself, too.

Being jolted out of one reality we think we're in, into one we didn't even imagine was happening is scary and upsetting and tough. As adults, we see the 'bigger picture'. Our teens live 'in the moment'. Your relationship with your dd has *changed*. It hasn't been destroyed. Keep that in mind. Take time to think about what that means, how it will affect your every day life with her. One step at a time, work with her through this. And hang in there.

{{{HUGS}}}}

cl-kkiana

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:21pm
My DD is also 15. Her boyfriend is 17. I know that most of her friends are sexually active so I've tried to imagine how I would handle this. So far, I can't imagine my initial reaction if I catch them in the act. I agree with the advice about not beating yourself up and apologize - you are human, after all.

I have been able to come up with a scenario about the talks afterward. First of all, a call to his parent(s) is a must. My DD's boyfriends mom and I have already had some of this discussion. She has gone so far as to have her nephew, who became a dad at 17, routinely call her son and ask him for babysitting help. My DD and I have had several casual conversations about sex. But despite all this, I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time.

B/f's mom and I agree that we won't punish them or try to prevent them from seeing each other. Once we suspect they are having sex, we will both insist on some relationship changes. Both of our families are active in two different churches. We will insist that they begin to attend church together at least twice a month - rotating between the two. They must spend at least two Sunday afternoons a month with the family - one theirs and one ours. All this sounds pretty strange but it is an attempt to make sure that they see each other as individuals with beliefs and values - not just some "hot" young thing. We hope that this will help with the emotions that come with sex.

I will talk to them together about protection and responsibilities. His mom will also talk to them together. We both feel that it is important that we share this equally and that they face us together. After all sex isn't done alone. She will, however, routinely (and discreetly) check his truck to make sure the condoms are there. I will, of course, take care of keeping up with her periods, etc.

I also feel that your DD and her b/f should be punished for cutting school. The principle needs to be made aware of her behavior so that he can help watchout for this. I've found that they are usually pretty agreeable to helping parents out if they know what needs to be done. When you get to work, call school to make sure she is still there - if not, go get her and take her back. Depending on how much she has missed, she may also need a tutor to help her get caught up.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:55pm
I can only imagine how awful you feel. I just have a couple of thoughts that perhaps you can get some use out of. One thing I always told my kids that if I found out they were skipping school (my nephew did this often) I would need to walk them in every day to the dean. I would do it too, after seeing what my sister went through. I would do this until I felt I could trust them again.Also, I would find out from your dd if she is really wanting a sexual relationship. Many kids feel pressured to have sex whether they are ready or not. She may just say yes to you, but if you ask her and let her know that it is ok to say that she is not ready, you may just be giving her the support she needs to say No. The advice you have received about the dr and all is great and I too believe that is the way to go. You can (and should) let her know that you think she is too young for all this and don't approve, but that since she has made this decision she needs to be responsible. I would let her know that even though she and her bf have started to have sex does not mean that she must always have sex. Get what I mean? Let her know its ok to stop. She'll probably roll her eyes and act like you have no idea, but you have put it out there so to speak and perhaps it will get her thinking. I would let her know how hurt you are that she betrayed your trust and she will need to earn that back. I agree that your relationship is not destroyed, just changed. Good luck to you both.