Shocked and in tears

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Shocked and in tears
6
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 8:31am
My 14 year old daughters behavior has really change during the last two weeks and now I know why. I just found out that my daughter has had oral sex with boyfriend. I found this out by using the AOL parental controls, I visited sites that you used and read post that she replied to.

I am in total shock. I noticed she and boyfriend always seem to try to get alone during their twice a week visits here at our home. She finally told me, they did have oral sex at his house. I allowed her to be there for 1 1/2 hours to work on homework and study for test because her boyfriend had an epileptic seizure at school and didn't have his book. His parents were home .... but it still happened.(in his bedroom)

Of course, I screamed at her and said that she would never be alone with the boy again and if she planned on having intercourse (which I don't approve of or give my permission) she better tell me in advance and go to GYN to be placed on birth-control pills and he better use a condom. Much to my surprise .. she say "fine, I want to get on the pill." I almost had a heartattack.

I know this is the start of a bad thing .... I must now make the choice to allow her to continue this relationship or make her end this relationship. Either way ... she is the one I worry about becoming sexual active.

Has anyone been through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 5:20pm
Fortunately I haven't been throught this, however I'm sure we have a few parents that have.

Know the saying, "If there's a will, there's a way"?, your daughter will find a way behind your back to meet up with this boy. Perhaps it is best that you allow them to meet only at your house under your watchful eye. I'd also remind her or have the doctor speak to her about STDs that are transmitted via oral sex. After a pelvic exam and emphasis on STDs being transmitted orally, that could be enough to deflate her interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 6:41pm
Well, you do have something to deal with here, don't you.

My first suggestion is that you need to stay calm - hard, I know but if you lose control of yourself here the situation will become even more out of your control.

Banning the relationship is tempting, but often the road to worsening the problem. As long as dd understands that there are risks involved and strict rules to follow you should be able to keep control. Breaking the rules however will incur serious penalties. Write a contract that you both need to abide by. That depends a lot on how well you know dd and whether you would be able to trust her to keep to the contract.

While you will never approve of her actions it is important that dd realise you are willing to be supportive and helpful when needed.

Start by sitting her down and laying out how you feel about this and why you feel it. ie:been there, done that. (If you have) If not, stress how much you love her and let her in on all the risks she is taking. Take her along to the GYN and have him/her show her the pictures if they have to.

Are the boy's parents aware of this? Do you know them well enough to approach them with it? If you do, and they are the kind to be helpful you should probably let them in on it.

At least that way you will know they are supervised as much as is possible with kids this age.

Best of luck Cynthia -

Lynette

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 2:24pm
Thanks for the wonderful reply. I honestly know that banning the relationship would only make things worse. I have talked to my dd and the boy and set rules!!! Which were followed last night (I took them to a lasershow ... to eat) Their behavior was much better. They only kissed two times in front of me and talked to me alot. I also talked to both of them about self-control, hormones and STD's, etc. The boy was alittle red and my dd was mad at first but they opened up to me and we had a very good talk about their pass behavior. They now know I will not allow them to be alone together. The boy told me that its okay with him ... as long as he can see my daughter.

The boyfriend told me all sorts of awful things about his mother and step-father so ... I don't feel like I can approach them with this issue so I will be the one to take control and actions over this!

Thanks again for your reply and help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 4:14pm
So glad I could help - it's great that you have been able to get the kids to talk to you. Pity about the other side though. Would have been better to have them being supportive.

Seems like you have things well in hand though. :o) Good going!

Lynette

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 7:31am
Well, first of all, I would suggest that you take a trip down to the mall, find the Samsonite store and buy a small suitcase, one suitable for carrying a day or two's worth of clothing on a short overnight trip. I think they call this sort of bag a "grip" - that's it - Get a grip.

Okay, that was a stretch, but I thought lightening the mood would help.

Juliet was 14 and worried about becoming an old maid. OT brides were 13. Neither grew up in a society that 1) has plenty of food and so produces young women physically mature at earlier ages than *either* of those two situations and 2) has plenty of input on the "sex is good" side of the fence that you just aren't going to be able to overcome with the occasional "now, don't you be touching yourself there" lecture (I know I'm making light of this a bit - bear with me).

I have a (now) 15 year old daughter (check my web site - "Alla") who was sexually active at 12. She more or less looked like she does *now* when she was 12 (she's put on a few pounds, hips and belly, but the rest of her looked like that three years ago).

She did it in the back row of a movie theater with the quarterback of the local junior high school football team while on a group date (20+ kids) chaparoned by 5 parents.

All I can say about that situation is that if they're gonna, they're gonna. The best you can hope for is to keep them safe when they do. It speaks volumes that my daughter did two things right in all of this. She made the boy use a condom and she told me about it afterwards (actually she was bragging a bit and she wanted to know if she'd done it right ).

14 is young, but it's not so young that I'd try putting that genie back in the bottle. She's discovered sex, she evidently likes it. You can *try* to get her involved in some other activities (rock climbing, canoeing , volunteer work, whatever), but at this point, I doubt it will do much but antagonize her. You could try including the boy in your family activities, but make it clear that it isn't an invitation to continue or approval of the sexual aspect of their relationship. Keeping him at hand, busy with relatively benign activies where the two of them can see one another but chaparoned (yeah, that worked so well with my kid, but you can hope) may take some of the "I-like-him-because-my-parents-don't" fun out of the relationship.

I don't envy you. I was actually pretty happy to see my daughter make this mistake early. The boy involved was inevitably going to (and did in fact) show his ass over this and brag, that hurt my daughter's pride a bit, and it turned her off of boys long enough for her to mature a bit more. But 14 is a little tougher. They know more (so they tell you), they need you less (again, so they tell you), and it's harder to convince them that they can learn *anything* from you at all.

About all I can say that's concrete is - it was bound to happen anyway - and when she's 30, it isn't going to have mattered much if it was at 14 or 16 or 18 as long as it was her choice.

Love her, care for her, be there for her and make sure she understands that she hasn't lost you as her ally, even if you're on different sides of this particular issue.

Firefly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:06am
That's great that you were able to talk so openly with the kids. I agree with not 'forbidding' the relationship but keeping your dd busy with other activities so she doesn't see a lot of him and making sure they aren't alone when she does. I may be in the minority but I don't think that just because they messed up once it means they are they automatically will do it again! Now that you are aware of the situation you can do your part by helping them stay out of situations they might not be able to control. IMO that's part of our job as parents.

Good luck to you and your dd - hopefully the 'romance' will fade soon and everyone can relax a bit!

Pam



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