Should daughter pay rent and do chores?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Should daughter pay rent and do chores?
8
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 6:07pm
Hi,

My daughter is turning 20 in June, she still lives at home with me. It's just the 2 of us, as her elder sister moved out 2 years ago at age 19 and her father deserted us 3 years ago for another woman and we got divorced. We get on well and are close, but I give in all the time to keep the peace. she works part-time and gives me all her money at month end.....1000, but then takes it back for smokes, entertainment, transport, etc...leaving me with 600 I also buy her clothes, food etc...and when I ask ehr to clean her room, she tells me to stop nagging her. She will not lift a hand to help me in the house with chores, I do it all myself. I work all day from home, and she does not recongnise this and tells me I can stop my work and have a cup of coffee if I want to, and she can't at her work. She also is very lazy and gives her work to others so she gets out of shifts, and then spends all day with her boyfriend. I have told her to move in with him, if she is not going to clean up her room, which is a real dirty pig stye, she never cleans the bath after her, and I'm told to stop whining if I tell her to. I am struggling to make ends meet, her little cash that I get from her is to pay for her food and she made me stay in a fairly well off area, telling me if I moved out of the area, she would not follow me. I did not want to lose her so I stay in a well off area and am battling, with no help from her.

Should I make her pay more rent and demand that she does her chores? I ahve told her to try and get another better paid job, but she is in a comfort zone where she is and will not even try and look for another work.

what do I do?
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 2:01pm
This situation could fall into another category of living arrangement, that of adults sharing a space. They would each pay a portion of the rent and utilities, and together be responsible for the upkeep of the common rooms of the residence.

This arrangement works well sometimes, other times not. It really hinges on everybody being responsible for themselves but also being flexible enough to let things go sometimes and to balance things in different ways. Trying to do this in a parent/child relationship could be pretty tricky because they both have years of old patterns of behavior, and sometimes our kids don't really want to grow up or be independent yet!

Avatar for kathydiane
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 8:00am
"she works part-time and gives me all her money at month end.....1000, but then takes it back for smokes, entertainment, transport, etc...leaving me with 600 I also buy her clothes, food etc...and when I ask ehr to clean her room, she tells me to stop nagging her."

Ok I am confused because you said that she gives you a 1000 and takes about 400 back and she leaves you with 600 seems like to me that is paying rent. I am just going by what you wrote yourself which like I said is confusing.


Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 10:34am
Just my two cents. . .

If she's old enough to pay rent, go out blow money, work part time and decide if she should clean or not and if she should follow you or not, should you move, then she is old enough to move out.

You won't lose her. . well maybe for while because she'll be angry, but that is part of adult life and she needs a big dose of 'welcome to the real world'. I paid rent while living at home and I definitely kept up after myself and the house while I lived with my parents. When I didn't like the arrangement anymore, I moved out on my own volition and I was barely 18 when I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 7:43am
I've always been under the impression that I don't owe my landlord any "chores" because I *do* pay rent.

Either she's living with you as part of the family, and as part of the family she's expected to help out (and that may include being part of a schedule of "helping out" that involves assigned, scheduled chores) or she's a tenant and she owes you rent.

Mixing the two, in my mind, is a sure recipe for disaster.

Don't know if that helps, but at least it might put some perspective on things.

Firefly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 6:38am
Hi,

thank you so much for confirming that for me. I knew that I had to get tough, but was not sure if I was being mean. I guess I will use the " Tough Love" approach.

You're absolutely right, it's time for Mom to have a life, I deserve it and as hard as it is I need to start thinking of me. For 25 years everyone else has come first.

Thank you again :-)

Carol

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 8:40pm
I agree with Dee--you know the answer here!

IMO it is for the good of both of you to view the situation objectively. Would you put up with an adult flatmate that acted like that? Will anyone else put up with your dd acting like that? It is understandable that you accomodated your dd's wishes when she was younger. Now she is old enough to behave and compromise more like an adult.

I think you could figure out what it really costs for her to live with you--rent, utilities, food. Have her pay you that amount, just like she would if she was sharing with a stranger. I like the idea of the "lease". She can pay for her cigarettes, entertainment etc with what she has left. If you are feeling generous (not just guilty!!) you might still buy her clothes or other things, or not. Divide the chores of the common areas. Her bedroom is her own space just as if she was your flatmate so I don't think you can tell her how to keep it. Just shut the door. She may not want to go along with the new deal at first but you could give it a month or two for her to adjust--if she has been able to get her way around you in the past she will keep trying that. When she sees you are serious she will probably turn around. If she doesn't want to cooperate, then like Dee said, give her reasonable notice to leave and move on with your life.

Good luck. I know it is hard to change our habits of parenting. Let us know how it is going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 8:02pm
Hi Carol,Welcome to the board.

It sounds like it is time for a certain Mom to put her foot down and live for herself. Your DD may squawk for a while that she hates you etc. but it is for YOUR own good. The first poster has a lot of good Ideas and I agree with her. My dds have 2 choices when they graduate, go to college and live here rent free, or start paying rent and not go to school. She is very definitely taking advantage of you and it is going to take a LOT of backbone on your part to stop her from walking all over you. Yes, once we become parents, we are parents forever, But there is a time to make the baby responsible for herself.

Again, Welcome to the board, and post as often as you like.


Lisa

Avatar for auntdee611
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 6:34pm
Hi Carol!

You answered your own question, ya know! She's in a comfort zone..and you're providing it for her! Might be time to cut those old apron strings?? Will she sit down with you and draw up a "lease"? If not..tell her she has a month..or whatever you feel is reasonable..what she'd get if she were evicted sounds FAIR to me..and then YOU start looking for a place YOU like..that YOU can afford!

TIME for MOM to have a life!

Yeah..they'll do just what they have to survive..like a baby bird..they take wing and fly when they get pushed out of the nest!

Hugs,

Dee