Should I let her go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Should I let her go?
16
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:58pm

Ok..my gut is already telling me the answer to this question but I thought I'd ask you guys too. You're always better than my gut and it always feels good when you and my gut agree . My daughter will be 17 on Dec 28th. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and her birthday and she said she really only wants one thing for both events.

We live in Philadelphia and her boyfriend's father lives in Erie. Her boyfriend and his older brother are going to Erie for a few days over Christmas break to visit their father and he wants my daughter to go along. His parents are divorced and he doesn't get to see his dad that often although they talk, text, email a lot.

When he asked his father if my daughter could come he said it was alright with him but he wanted to talk to me and my husband first. So far, I haven't heard from him but it is only early October. My daughter has spoken with him on numerous occasions when she has been at her boyfriend's house when they were on the phone together.

First, I was going to talk to his mother. I know it was not a "good" divorce and she doesn't like him at all. I am sure her opinion will be VERY one sided. On the other hand, I don't think she would be letting her own children go if this man were irresponsible. I know he has health issues and there is a women in his life who helps him out. I don't know if she lives with him or not so I don't know if there will be another women in the house while the kids are there. My daughter went on a ski trip with another boyfriend when she was 15 but in that case his ENTIRE family went...mom, dad, grandmother, brother, sister and all the girls stayed together in one room.

So, should I let her go? She has known this boy since they were 12 years old. I like him a lot. I know his mother and I like her a lot. Both her boyfriend and his brother are black belts in Tae-Kwon-Do and she's a yellow belt herself. I'm not worried about the bus trip to Erie (except for road mishaps and weather but that's another issue ). Her boyfriend is very protective, respectful and treats her like a queen.

BUT...I don't know his father at all. Even when I talk to him on the phone, how do I know he won't tell me just what I want to hear? Even if there is another women in the house while they are there, can I trust they will be supervised the way I and his mother supervise them?

Do I trust them enough to let her go? Do I want a mean, brooding, miserable creature stomping around the house all Christmas holiday if I say no? Should I care if she's miserable and just keep her safe? When is she old enough for me to let her go? HELP!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:23pm

My gut reaction is to say No.


I am the ex-wife of my children's father and I can tell you I have to let them go with him on occasion. Their dad makes deplorable choices of activities to do with the boys. None of them dangerous or illegal but many times they are just in appaling taste. My favorite is

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:05pm
Only you can determine if you should let her go. You know your daughter and the boy and could be the only one to determine their behavior, etc. If it's the dad your worried about, go ahead and call the mom to see what she thinks. If it's the fear that they'll behave inappropriately, if they will, they've probably already done so by now. It all boils down to how mature your daughter is. If it were my older daughter, yes, I would have let her go. If it were my younger daughter, no way. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 5:30pm

I know what you mean with "when do I start letting go" a little? After all 17 is only one year away from when they can legally vote, serve in the military and in some places drink. It's my feeling that we do have to start giving them little freedoms here and there, an opportunity to demonstrate before they "go out into the world" on their own so that they don't go literally drunk with freedom at 18! This is such a tricky process, I feel for you. My own post on my soon to be 17ds is similar to your own in some ways.

My first reaction was: Christmas time? I'm sorry but that's a very special family time of the year for me and my heart would be broken not to be able to spend it with her, no matter who she was going with. Second thing is: do you know whether or not your dd is sexually active? I imagine that might be your primary concern about this trip? I'm fairly certain if she is not already, she will be after this trip. So that's something to take into consideration if it isn't your primary concern. Otherwise, I guess you're worried about drinking and other adult unsupervised type of activity. Like Betty said, it all depends on your dd. Is she/has she been a risk taker? How much do you trust her? Some would be okay with a trip like this, only you can decide if she's mature enough for it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:37pm
I have two daughters who recently passed the magical 18th birthday. The mantra in our home was no overnights with boyfriends or boyfriend's families. Why? Because it is inappropriate. Lord how my daughters hated that word when they were growing up!
However, in the last couple of years they have both commented to us that they were glad we stuck to our guns, and that they plan to rear their kids with the same values.
Your daughter WILL survive if she doesn't go on the trip.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:38am

<<>>

Haha! And isn't this what our parents wished on us, lol!?

<<>>

Alcoholism and drug addiction run rampant in my family. One dead, one lost her kid and one just busted again last week, while also facing a possible life sentence from the last bust and trying to outrun the police (he's 50, and sheesh, I didn't even know how old he was until I read it on the front page of the paper last week).

I probably wouldn't have minded if anyone had taken my DS-17 to an AA meeting... I would have actually hoped he'd picked something up... I don't think 10 and 12 is too young to begin learning about alcoholism and how it's likely they've inherited it genetically.

And to the OP, I think it's a good sign that the father wants to talk to you first. Do you trust your daughter? Is she on BC?

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Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:42am
I'd take the brooding monster for Christmas and not let her go. She won't understand for about 20 years, and then she'll be glad you stood by your gut and principles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 8:43am
What is so odd about this is I wasn't a bad teenager. My friends now tell me I'm an enabler because I just hate to fight constantly so I usually give in to everyone from co-workers to my own mother to my husband to my daughter. When I was a teenager, I never felt whatever I wanted to do was worth the hell and grief I would get from my parents afterward so I just didn't do much. I'll admit, I missed out on a lot of fun along with the trouble. Looking back, I'm not sure a little trouble wouldn't have done me some good.
Well...maybe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 8:50am

>>Christmas time? I'm sorry but that's a very special family time of the year for me and my heart would be broken not to be able to spend it with her, no matter who she was going with.<<

Hah! Christmas is special to me too but not to her. She as a lot of Jewish friends and we usually let her invite a friend over for Christmas day. I like her friends and I like having them over. She's been invited to their special dinners on occasion too. But the downside of this is that they spend 90% of the day up on the computer or in her room listing to music and only come down for the meal. Since I don't want Christmas day to be another shouting match, especially with a house full of relatives, I don't get to see her much on that day anyway.

>>Second thing is: do you know whether or not your dd is sexually active? I imagine that might be your primary concern about this trip? I'm fairly certain if she is not already, she will be after this trip. <<

I can honesly say I am not sure if she is or not. I mean, we have talked about it numerous times. She tells me she is not. She says she would tell me if it came to that because she said if something DID happen it would only be worse for me to find out that way than if she just told me herself. Most of me believes her but there is always that small lingering doubt and the total giddy relief every month when I see used tampons in the bathroom trash

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 9:13am

>>The mantra in our home was no overnights with boyfriends or boyfriend's families. <<

I know we have made mistakes with her in the past. We gave her a lot of freedoms we maybe should not have when she was in grade school and early high school. But she was always a good kid, great grades, no reason not to trust her. When I was growing up, my parents never let me do anything and I always hated it. I used to question why I was such a good kid if it came with no benefits, I should have just been bad. I was stuck in the house most nights either way!

As she was growing up, I tried to make individual, informed choices. If it wasn't dangerous or there wasn't some other strong reason to say no, I would let her do things she wanted to do. The difference was back then, all her friends were girls. Now it's different since in involves boys, well this particular boy. But, she is still a good kid, doesn't drink or do drugs. Her grades could be better but all in all, she's a great kid.

She has spent the night at her boyfriend's house a couple of times. Each time she had been invited to a family function with his siblings and his mother and her family. Each time it was something that lasted well into the night. Cookout's followed by fireworks and stuff like that. His mom called me each time and asked if she could just stay over so she wouldn't have to drive all the way to my house to drop her off and I wouldn't have to wait up to 2 or 3 in the morning to pick her up.

I guess I should have just lost the sleep, eh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 9:18am

>>I'd take the brooding monster for Christmas and not let her go. She won't understand for about 20 years, and then she'll be glad you stood by your gut and principles.<<

ROFL!!! The other day we were in the car and I said to her "Do you know what I can't wait for?" She said "For me to move out?". I chuckled and said "No, actually, that's not what I was going to say...I can't wait until you are 25 years old and we're looking back on these years and laughing about what idiots we both were to each other".

It was just after another "you said, I did not say, yes you did say" argument where we actually agreed on the basic priciple but were arguing about agreeing!!! We just seem to be at each other all the time and I am not looking forward to the nuclear explosion when I tell her she can't go on this trip.

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