Should I let her go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Should I let her go?
16
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:58pm

Ok..my gut is already telling me the answer to this question but I thought I'd ask you guys too. You're always better than my gut and it always feels good when you and my gut agree . My daughter will be 17 on Dec 28th. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and her birthday and she said she really only wants one thing for both events.

We live in Philadelphia and her boyfriend's father lives in Erie. Her boyfriend and his older brother are going to Erie for a few days over Christmas break to visit their father and he wants my daughter to go along. His parents are divorced and he doesn't get to see his dad that often although they talk, text, email a lot.

When he asked his father if my daughter could come he said it was alright with him but he wanted to talk to me and my husband first. So far, I haven't heard from him but it is only early October. My daughter has spoken with him on numerous occasions when she has been at her boyfriend's house when they were on the phone together.

First, I was going to talk to his mother. I know it was not a "good" divorce and she doesn't like him at all. I am sure her opinion will be VERY one sided. On the other hand, I don't think she would be letting her own children go if this man were irresponsible. I know he has health issues and there is a women in his life who helps him out. I don't know if she lives with him or not so I don't know if there will be another women in the house while the kids are there. My daughter went on a ski trip with another boyfriend when she was 15 but in that case his ENTIRE family went...mom, dad, grandmother, brother, sister and all the girls stayed together in one room.

So, should I let her go? She has known this boy since they were 12 years old. I like him a lot. I know his mother and I like her a lot. Both her boyfriend and his brother are black belts in Tae-Kwon-Do and she's a yellow belt herself. I'm not worried about the bus trip to Erie (except for road mishaps and weather but that's another issue ). Her boyfriend is very protective, respectful and treats her like a queen.

BUT...I don't know his father at all. Even when I talk to him on the phone, how do I know he won't tell me just what I want to hear? Even if there is another women in the house while they are there, can I trust they will be supervised the way I and his mother supervise them?

Do I trust them enough to let her go? Do I want a mean, brooding, miserable creature stomping around the house all Christmas holiday if I say no? Should I care if she's miserable and just keep her safe? When is she old enough for me to let her go? HELP!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 11:59am

In regards to children going to an AA meeting: In principal I agree with you. Lots of TEENAGERS should know the true horrors that can come from alcohol abuse. AA meetings aren't there as a teaching moment for kids though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 12:10pm

Well, it seems that I am in the minority here, but from what you said, 1) you like your DD's boyfriend, 2) she said they don't have sex, 3) she has already slept over at her BF's mother's house, so you really can't use the fact that she should never stay overnight w/ her BF as an excuse. It really can't be the sex thing because if they want to have it, they could certainly find an opportunity at home. I disagree w/ the OP that they will automatically be having sex if she stays over BF's dad's house, although it might give them the opportunity if they haven't done it already and if she wants to.

So I guess the real issue is that you don't know the father. Once my DD wanted to go w/ her friend (girl) to visit the girl's father on a school vacation. I did know the mother but the father lived about an hour away. They were going to go skiing. The father was remarried and had some other kids too. I talked to the father on the phone, he seemed normal and I got his phone no. I guess that's about all you can do.

I know that a lot of men get a bias that they won't be able to look after their kids. My DH was a widow w/ a small DD and used to get that all the time, like mothers didn't want their girls staying overnight, like he was a child molester just because he was a man. Also I remember my DD wanted a friend to stay over my ex's house w/ her. The girl's mother did call me up and ask if I thought it was ok. I didn't say this but I thought--well, do you think I would let my kids be going over there if I didn't trust him? At that time he was living w/ his GF who is now his DW. She didn't know if that was better or worse, that there was a woman (and her DD) in the house, but they were "living in sin." But she did let her DD go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:13pm

<<>>

Honestly, I didn't think of that. I've never been to an AA meeting, but attended one Al-Anon. It took me an hour to get there and even though there was only 5 others there and I was obviously injured, I was completely ignored. All they did was take turns reading out of a book. I never went back.

<<>>

Sheesh, he's not very involved, is he? Sorry.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 12:52am

You say your daughter is 17, this makes her either a junior or a senior, which means she will be leaving home soon. By this point in her life you have rasied her well enough to know how to handle herself, if you don't believe that you have and you are still holding a strict supervision over her how will she survive when she does leave home.

You have given her the skills to survive and know how to handle tough situations. If you truly believe you have not done this, I urge you to do alot of work letting go in the next year. What supervision are you hoping that he will provide, ask yourself that first.

If you are worried about them having sex, you should realized that if they wanted to have sex a trip to Erie won't change that, it's going to happen at home, at Erie. You can't stop that.

Decide in your head what are you worried about then discuss it with your daughter. You need to be open and honest with her and see how she feels about your concerns. Let her start to grow up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 8:33am

WOW...you make some really valid points. She is a junior this year. We talk about sex, drugs, drinking, smoking, but not as sit down discussions. It's usually in the car on the way to somewhere when some other subject comes up and it just naturally leads to one of those topics. "Mom..you won't believe what so-and-so did..." and it goes from there.

I think sex is my biggest concern whether it's connected to this trip or not. My DD is NOT stupid. She has heard stories all her life about her grandfather, my father, who died from lung cancer and she WATCHED her favorite aunt die from it. She says "Why would I smoke after seeing that??"

I know some of her friends smoke pot and probably do much worse but she has told me, of her own accord, not because I asked, that she has been offered stuff and turned them down saying, "I'm just not into that". She says her's are not the kind of friends to pressure someone who doesn't want to to take anything or she wouldn't be friends with them. As a matter of fact, she is no longer friends with a girl she was BEST friends with forever just for that reason. As for drinking...she says the same thing.

That leaves sex. While, in my opinion, drugs, smoking and drinking are intelligent decisions, sex is much more. Making up your mind is only one step. Dealing with your hormones, your emotions and your mind is a bit harder. I held out much longer than 16/17 but I had sex before I was married just like millions of others.

I want to trust her. I do trust her. But is it wise to have complete trust in ANY teenager??? I just don't know. I want her to go and have a good time. But I don't want her to go? My gut is telling me to say no but my heart is telling me to say yes. Thank God it's only October and I have some more time mull it over.

I like what you said ...>>Decide in your head what are you worried about then discuss it with your daughter. You need to be open and honest with her and see how she feels about your concerns<< Have a discussion about what's concerning me BEFORE I make a final decision rather than saying NO and having an argument later. That would be a first for us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:54pm

I think you are looking at this all wrong, it's not about trust with her it's about trust in the fact did you give her the right tools.

Again, if sex is what you are worried about then not letting her go to Erie won't change her having sex. Have you asked her if they did yet? My guess is no, because you don't want to know the answer.

It sounds like you've done better than you realized. If she is willing to talk to you about things occuring in her life then you have a good base of a relationship. I'm not sure if she talks to you about what she is doing but I think it's time for you to start asking. But here is the hard part, she has to know she trusts you and that you are not going to react negativly. You will be able to guide her better if you can help her with these tough decisions. Give her the chance to have a strong relationship with you and know she can come to you about anything. Based on your last statement it does not sound as if you have taken that step yet.

Let me tell you a little about me. I was a youth crisis councilor for seven years before I walked away. I have three (yes three) teenage daughters 18, 16 and 13. My 18 and 16 year old tell me everything they do, and normally right after it happens. We have talked about sex, drinking, drugs and other teenage issues. I know that my daughters have both had sex, I know both drink and one tried drugs once. Each time something occured they came to me and talked to me. As I stated to my ex one day, I would prefer that they not hide things from me and come to me now, now I can give them guidance and help them deal with normal teenage issues. I explained to him the kids who are controlled by their parents and are afraid to talk to them are the statistics in college. When a teen drinks too much in college they call a friend the next day and say "you won't believe what I did", when a teen drinks too much at home and feels safe to call mom and dad the next day you can coach them on good and bad choices and the consequences.

I will also let you know that neither of my girls is in trouble or has any social issues. Both are honor roll students, starters on their sports teams, involved in Young Life (christian youth group) and popular in school. Both have made good and bad decisions and learned from them. I can also tell you that my oldest daughter is now celibate and my 16 year old no longer drinks. But this occured because of bad choices and their ability to come to me and let me know.

Choose to have the open relationship with your daughter. As a child you needed to be the parent, as a young adult she needs both from you now, parents and friend. Just becareful to keep a balance, don't be too much of a friend.

Good luck, trust your daughter and trust your heart. Only you know her well enough.

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