Should I step in??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Should I step in??
8
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 5:29pm

Hi all,

I'm not sure where to go. I am not a parent, but my sister has a 14 year old son, (my nephew) who'll be 15 in Feb. She found a note in his clothes the other day from a girl that he's known for 3 years. In it, she wrote how she might be pregnant and she'll find out in two weeks. From the sounds of it, my nephew may be the one involved!
My sister also told me this girl calls 3-5 times a day, for hours at a time! (I don't know why she lets him)
I have never known any of this until yesterday. I'm sick over this. She is going to sit down and talk to him, but says she won't ask him if he's had sex.
A part of me knows he would never do this, he doesn't have any opportunity for any of this to happen. I hope it's not too late. He's a pretty good kid.
I want so much to find out the truth. I'm not sure he would tell me anything that's going on.
Should I stay out of this? Would I be crossing the line with my sister if I casually sit down and try to talk with him? Is it also my responsibilty to get involved??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 5:44pm

I'm not sure what it is you are wanting done that isn't being done

You may not agree with him talking to this girl on the phone but that's up to the parents. Other than that, what would you like to see being done differently?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 8:30pm

My guess is that your sis is more upset by this than you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:09pm
That's one of the thoughts I had, to not have him talk to her anymore, try to block him away as much as possible from her. But I'm sure that would backfire. My sister is sick just thinking about it. She is at a loss as to what needs to be done. If it happened already, there's not much at this point to do.
I feel helpless, like this is my own child I never would've expected him to be doing stuff like that. I would like to get a honest answer out of him, and maybe put this whole thing to rest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:34pm

You are walking a very fine line here - you love and respect your sister but you also love and respect your nephew. You wants best for both of them and also what's best for their relationship. I would suggest that you talk to your sister and offer your assistance in talking with him and only do so with her approval.

Another suggestion is to simply start spending (if you don't already) some time with him. Don't specifically bring up this or any other problems he might be having. Just hang out with - go get a pizza and rent a movie and hang out. Let him know that you love him and think he's worth your time and love.

Last possible way to handle this specific incident is to simply tell him you love him and that you will be there to support him in any thing that may come along. Tell him you sense some stress in his life and ask him if he would like to talk to you. I did this several years ago with Dds b/f at the time. He was being raised by his grandparents and grandfather was dying. Grandma was busy caring for grandpa. His dad was abusive when he was around. The boy was really stressed out. So one afternoon, when he was at our house visiting DD, I asked to speak to him alone. We went to the porch and I just asked him how he was doing. He said fine (typically 15 y/o male response). I told him I wouldn't be fine if I was in his shoes and we talked a little. He never really said much during that conversation but several months later, he told DD how much it helped him just knowing that he had someone's mom to care about him. So even if you don't specifically talk about this note or the girl, your nephew will probably appreciate knowing you care. That alone may help him.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 7:08am
No, one never expects their teen to be sexually active, but the truth of the matter is, they're pretty horomone driven at that age, especially the boys (I have 3), and given the opportunity and today's culture, things are happening at a much younger age than when we were teens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 1:39pm

Speaking as one who has a sister, you should not step in unless your sis asks for your help or advise. Other than lend a ear and support for sis, this is not your concern. You did not mention if the father is around. The time to talk to ds14 about this has long since passed, but hopefully if the horse has not left the barn yet, perhaps it is not too late for your sister to start talking, and talking, and talking. It's hard to have these talks, whether it's with your ds or your dd (been there) but needs to be done. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 5:37pm
Thank you all for your advice!! I just needed some unbiased opinions.
Yes, his parents are together. They have talked to him briefly in the past about the "birds & bees".
It just seems really hard to accept that kids can't just be kids anymore. They have to grow up so fast nowadays. It makes me scared to bring children in this world knowing how many challenges and obstacles they face, and that this world is pretty scary with all these pressures. My gosh, I'm only 28, and I didn't have to worry about stuff like this when I was in high school....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:58am
Should you get involved? Let's see it sounds like you love this boy alot!He is very lucky ! When my son went through similiar issues with a girl, I recruited all the assistance I could out of love.I left the Teen Help line brochure "lying around".I talked to people who would have experianced this matter more recently than good old Mom. All my life with my son, if I didn't know the answer,I would find who does. You love your nephew and obviously are truly worried. Depending on your relatioship with your sister, talk,talk,talk. Feel out how he feel also. A pregnant girl at that age will be scared but think of how he feels as well.
Good luck and smiles are sent.