Should she change schools?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Should she change schools?
18
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 1:25pm

My daughter is 16 1/2 and in 11th grade. She goes to one of the best public schools in our city. She had to have a B+ average to get in out of grade school. The trick, however, isn't getting in the school, it's maintaining the grades to stay there. If you flunk 2 major subjects for 2 years you are asked to leave and go back to your regular neighborhood high school. Well, she flunked 2 majors her freshman year and went to summer school to make them up. It looks like she will not flunk this year but only by the skin of her teeth. She will probably pass with D's.

She absolutely - possitivily has the brains to succeed in this school but she does not apply the necessary work to succeed. She does the bare minimum to get by but, obviously, considering her grades even that isn't enough to get by. She has other priorities. Phone, computer, friends, AIM, MySpace, etc. You know the drill. My husband and I have curtailed her school night activities greatly. No phone, no going out, no computer, etc. Of course, she claims she needs the computer to do her homework but all I hear is the beep beep of AIM and music. I go up and get her off, and she lays on her bed contemplating her situation. God forbid, she actually open a book!!!

The other day she came to me and said she had made a decision. She told me she wanted to voluntarily transfer back to the neighborhood school. She said that B's in that school would look better on her transcript than D's from this school even if this is the better school. She felt that Junior year is the most important year and even if she manages to make it through this year, next year will only be harder and she doesn't want to run the risk of flunking out. I told her I thought she made the right decision even though I do believe she can make it in this school if she would just work at it. But if she isn't willing to put in the necessary work, the neighborhood school would probably be best.

Now she has come to me and said she's not sure. She wants to see what her final grades are before she makes a final decision. I think that's fair but I also think she made the right decision in the first place. Just because she may manage to squeek through this year is not going to make next year any easier. If she goes into it with the same attitude she has always had, it's all going to happen again. She will promise to do better, promise to work harder but I've heard all of that before and she never does it.

I want this to be her decision but as her mother I feel like I should be able to say, NO, you need to transfer. I mean, what are the odds that all of a sudden she is going to become a model student? She will get her final grades in about 3 weeks (after finals and THAT should be interesting). If she makes the decision to stay, should I pull rank and transfer her??? My husband think she should stay in the better school.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 2:45pm

>>>She absolutely - possitivily has the brains to succeed in this school but she does not apply the necessary work to succeed. She does the bare minimum to get by but, obviously, considering her grades even that isn't enough to get by. She has other priorities. Phone, computer, friends, AIM, MySpace, etc. You know the drill. My husband and I have curtailed her school night activities greatly. No phone, no going out, no computer, etc. Of course, she claims she needs the computer to do her homework but all I hear is the beep beep of AIM and music. I go up and get her off, and she lays on her bed contemplating her situation. God forbid, she actually open a book!!!>>>

If the primary reasons she is doing poorly in her classes is what you've stated above, then no, I don't think she should be transferring to another 'easier' school. If she were doing poorly due to biological/physical or mental disorders then maybe I'd consider another school that can meet her needs and abilities. But if it's just a matter of getting her to line up her priorities appropriately I think she needs to stay put and put in the work that's necessary to achieve her goal of having a nice looking GPA/transcript come Senior year when she's applying to colleges.

My 16dd transferred out of her school mid-sophomore year due to her disabilities. We tried the tough route with her, thinking she was just lazy. She was already receiving extra help and some special educational services and still having a tough time of it. We decided on this charter school (about a 1/2 hour from our home) because it is smaller, classes sizes range at about 14/class and she would continue to receive extra help services. She would also be able to focus on career related interests rather than straight academics. My dd went from having all D's or worse, failing, to now having mostly C's and some B's in all her classes. Tranferring to another school was a great decision in her case.

But before we made that transition, we limited her social life, we cut her phone and computer use to one hour per day M-F, and 2 hours per day on Sat/Sun. We monitored all home work assignments and went on line to check her assignments against what she was showing us. We only allowed TV after all assignments were completed, no exceptions. If her HW wasn't completed, NO ONE watched tv until they were. Sounds unfair, but it was a good motivator.

Eventually, we removed AIM from our home computer following an incident last year with a predator. We also blocked the internet altogether and now she must ask to use the internet first - she has no passwords and cannot be on line unless we know about it. I have the screen names and passwords for all of her on line accounts, like Yahoo and her old MySpace account so I can check them periodically. She has limited telephone time as well and social time. As she's improved in her study and HW habits, she's earned more social time.

I think that it would serve your dd better if she were placed on a probation type of schedule (at home & socially) until her grades improved and she showed more interest in being a better student rather than just switching schools to get an easy grade. I think it's a disservice to her in the long run to make it easy for her - life isn't easy all the time and there's no guarantee that she'll have professors at college or a boss who will make her job easier because she doesn't feel like doing the work or labor necessary to complete that assignment or task. KWIM?

Best of luck - making a major change and transition is never an easy decision. I hope it all works out for your dd and your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 4:38pm

I could never have said what h&r said so well, so I'll echo her sentiments in that your DD stick it out with this school and put forth her best effort to finish out her high school days at the school she is currently enrolled in.

I also completely agree with removing all the computer related distractions and limiting her social activities until her grades are better. Just doing the work and turning it in on time should help. For her, college is just a year away now and it sure won't get any easier when she gets there. Better for her to learn how to prioritize and manage her time before you start paying for her to flunk a class!

Overall, I think h&r had really great advice!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:41pm
I feel for you. I don't have an answer about changing schools, but wanted to comment on the computer usage. I really think this is an addiction for these kids. My ds would be on his computer all day long if we let him. Today I heard from a coworker about a device you can order online. It easily attaches between your childs monitor and computer. You designate how many hours your child has computer access. They have their own log in number and if you designate two hours a day, the computer screen starts flashing when their time is running out and then it turns off. My son could bypass any controls we tried. I wished I had had this years ago. I'm ordering it today. They can't bypass this without destroying their computer. My son would insist he needed the computer for "homework", then we would hear him clicking off that screen as we approached. I AM NOT STUPID...... Google PC Moderator and see what you think. And don't get me started talking about My Space......what a disaster that is for immature minds.
best wishes.....my kid was gifted and ended up at the bottom of his graduation class.... couldn't tear himself away from the computer, would lie about homework.....take this seriously
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:54pm

Keep her in the better school..

Consider getting her a tutor. If she is scrapping by now,it will catch up to her.
She might find herself in a bind in Grade 12,even if she is working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:01pm

This is an interesting post to me, because my DD is in a similar school - you have to get a certain test score to get in - and now (end of 9th grade) several friends are in danger of being asked to leave based on too many failed classes. A friend's daughter is in a different HS, and barely made the cut. She is working very very hard and much longer hours than other kids in the school just to keep up. In these cases, these smart kids are struggling IMHO unneccessarily. they might be happier and doing better in their neighborhood HS programs.

I do think if there's an opportunity to change schools, your daughter should do it. Her bad study beahvior could just be "bad behavior" - in which case changing schools may not make any difference, but she couldn't do much worse than she's doing now. OR...the bad study behavior may be a way of coping with work that is a little too hard. At my DD's school, they are *all* smart enough, but some just can pull together the study habits and analytical skills to do the extra bit expected at this school. If this is the case for your DD, a change of schools may help. And she's right that B's somewhere else are better than D's.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:57am

I totally agree - I think my 16dd was headed in that direction, but since we severely limited her time, she is finding healthier ways to occupy her time. It is worth those first couple of weeks 'withdrawal' and belly aching to get to the end result: A child independent of the computer.

The computer has been an amazing invention but just like with anything, moderation is key.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 8:47am

Thank you all for your input. I still don't know what to do. Everyone is right. She should stay and put in the work. She should transfer and still put in the work. She should transfer because it's just too hard for her here. She should stay and spend more quality school time and less social/computer time. Everyone is bloody right and I am at a total loss as to what I should do. I don't want to be sitting around 10 years from now wishing I had done it all differently. And knowing my daughter whatever happens will end up being my fault in her mind.

Basically, she is a good kid. I read these boards. I see what other parents are going through with kids. She isn't into any of that stuff THANK GOD. This is really the only problem (well, other than a Katrina like bedroom and a total ignorance of the definition of curfew). I do consider myself lucky that we are not dealing with some of the things other parents deal with and I feel foolish for getting worked up over this when there are people out there with real problems with their kids. I don't know how they survive it. They are obviously much stronger and patient than I am. My praises to them!!!

She handed in her transfer form to her counseler a couple of days ago but he agreed not to do anything with it until she/we make a final decision. Am I a horrible parent because one of the reasons I want this transfer is because I hope it will be easier on her and therefore, easier on me? This constant stress is taking it's toll. I'm on meds for high blood pressure and have been on anti-anxiety meds on and off for the past two years. Every time the phone rings and I see the school phone number on caller ID I can feel my pressure rising. Every report card and interim report is the same.

Am I horrible to feel I need a break? This is not about me. It's her future I fear for. But I also fear that she will be under my roof forever if she can't support herself. I want to do what's right. I just don't know what that is.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:08am

Okay, only you and your dd can decide what's best for her. You already know that. Everyone has given you thier thoughts here, but we don't live the day to day that you and your family does. That's an important part of this decision. You must take into consideration the toll all this is taking on everyone, the stress, the constant battle, etc.

Rather than put it in terms like "it will be easier at the other school", how about you think of it in terms like, "she will have a better chance of succeeding at the other school"?

One of the key reasons we switched my 16dd to the charter school from the local public HS is because it was damaging her self esteem to try and keep up with the constant battle of HW and class assignments; always either having to stay after for extra help or getting punished for incomplete assignments or inadequate work. I received phone calls from her school/teachers weekly, sometimes every other day. My evening were filled with strife from all the dog watching and nagging over her HW or the phone calls. My H and I were arguing over it, my older dd was stressed from all the yelling. It was a very stressful situation. Like I said in my other post, however, my dd has disabilities that have made her struggle in school since about 5th grade. We switched schools in the middle of her sophomore year and she's done wonderfully. She still needs to seek out some extra help occasionally, but she no longer feels stupid.

When my oldest dd was in 1st grade she was placed into a reading program. We had recently moved here from out of state and she was a little behind in her class. The following year, she remained one year behind her classmates in reading and math. We had her evaluated and it was up to me to make the final decision to hold her back a year. The concensus was that my dd could probably stay where she was and be okay. But all the other classmates were between 9 and 15 months older than her, so not only was she at a disadvantage academically, but socially as well. I cried and cried in that room with all her teachers and the evaluators. It was a very tough decision to make. On the way out, the principal, this wonderful woman, took my hand and she said, "DD would probably be fine, but I was a late birthday and I always played catch up the second half of every year. Back then, my parents couldn't hold me back-it just wasn't done. I think you made the right choice." Well, let me tell you, at first I had my doubts but by the end of the following year, she had wonderful grades and LOTS of friends. She was blossoming. I never regretted that choice, despite my family's warnings and doubts.

Go with your heart. If you feel it's the right thing, do it. BUT, you still need to limit the other stuff....just based on what you originally posted, she needs limits and to learn how to prioritize her time and tasks. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:39am

heartsandroses - IMHO, you have given wonderful advice to lyn1960. There is absolutely nothing easy about raising a child, especially a teen. And I, too, agonize over the choices my dd makes. As a mother, I think we all want what is best for our children. And when it comes down to a decision as to "what to do?", I agree that it is best to follow one's own heart (a/k/a one's own gut instinct). Sometimes there is just not a single right or wrong answer! But I also loved your first response about limiting activities, and it has renewed my efforts to place similar limits on my dd (who also struggles academically). Thanks for reaffirming what I already believe! And good luck to lyn1960!

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:28pm

What are you and she looking to in terms of college?

Many colleges, including state colleges in the Midwest, expect application by December

Her current grades are what is going to determine her college choices IME and it is unlikely that even pulling straight As next semester will change that if she has Ds on her record.

Im not saying that to forecast doom and gloom-just to give you some perspective. A kid who has a perfect gradepoint or who was bound to get a scholarship might need to watch his senior year but, unless Im reading the OP incorrectly, your dd is not in that group.

My son scored in the top 3% with his first ACT test; his grades end of junior year were a low B. He applied to 3 state schools and was accepted at 2. He has totally blown off this year-his senior-and all I know at this point is he graduated and his GPA is lower than a B

We spoke to his counselor midyear who said had he been accepted to his top choice(a top rated university)he would have walked in the door already on probation but it is unklikely they wouldve revoked his admittance. He was unsure if the next tier school would do anything and sure the last tier school(DS's choice)would do nothing unless he completely failed to graduate in time for fall semester

Your dd will most likely be accepted at most colleges she applies to. Her future is unlikely to be ruined no matter what decision is made for her senior year

Let her enjoy it

Realize I was VERY upset about my sons goofing off all this past year but now that its over....I realize it wasnt worth the aggravation to my blood pressure or to our relat,ionship. He's going to college in the fall..not my first choice, not his, but hes going and he will most likely be able to graduate from there with the same amount of effort he was willing to put into high school

I mean, is a kid who flakes off in high school suddenly going to have a epiphany and start studying 6 hours a day to cut it in a top university? Maybe but...unlikely.

Just a different way of looking at it.....(they are what they are)

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