Should she change schools?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Should she change schools?
18
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 1:25pm

My daughter is 16 1/2 and in 11th grade. She goes to one of the best public schools in our city. She had to have a B+ average to get in out of grade school. The trick, however, isn't getting in the school, it's maintaining the grades to stay there. If you flunk 2 major subjects for 2 years you are asked to leave and go back to your regular neighborhood high school. Well, she flunked 2 majors her freshman year and went to summer school to make them up. It looks like she will not flunk this year but only by the skin of her teeth. She will probably pass with D's.

She absolutely - possitivily has the brains to succeed in this school but she does not apply the necessary work to succeed. She does the bare minimum to get by but, obviously, considering her grades even that isn't enough to get by. She has other priorities. Phone, computer, friends, AIM, MySpace, etc. You know the drill. My husband and I have curtailed her school night activities greatly. No phone, no going out, no computer, etc. Of course, she claims she needs the computer to do her homework but all I hear is the beep beep of AIM and music. I go up and get her off, and she lays on her bed contemplating her situation. God forbid, she actually open a book!!!

The other day she came to me and said she had made a decision. She told me she wanted to voluntarily transfer back to the neighborhood school. She said that B's in that school would look better on her transcript than D's from this school even if this is the better school. She felt that Junior year is the most important year and even if she manages to make it through this year, next year will only be harder and she doesn't want to run the risk of flunking out. I told her I thought she made the right decision even though I do believe she can make it in this school if she would just work at it. But if she isn't willing to put in the necessary work, the neighborhood school would probably be best.

Now she has come to me and said she's not sure. She wants to see what her final grades are before she makes a final decision. I think that's fair but I also think she made the right decision in the first place. Just because she may manage to squeek through this year is not going to make next year any easier. If she goes into it with the same attitude she has always had, it's all going to happen again. She will promise to do better, promise to work harder but I've heard all of that before and she never does it.

I want this to be her decision but as her mother I feel like I should be able to say, NO, you need to transfer. I mean, what are the odds that all of a sudden she is going to become a model student? She will get her final grades in about 3 weeks (after finals and THAT should be interesting). If she makes the decision to stay, should I pull rank and transfer her??? My husband think she should stay in the better school.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:25pm

Wow you guys are really great, especially heartsandroses. Your advise really has made me think and I feel a lot better. Just hearing that were not the only ones streesing and screaming about this issue makes me feel better. Sorry, but I guess misery really does love company.

I still don't know what's going to happen but I'm beginning to feel like someone else said, her life will not be ruined no matter which decision is made. I still think she would be better off in the neighborhood school. Here's an example. One of her best friends goes to the neighborhood school and takes geometry just like she does. They even use the same book. While my daughter's class is almost completely finished the whole book, her friend's class is only a little past 1/2 way. She says she always seems to get it/understand eventually but they go so fast that by the time she understands it, they have moved on and she's lost again. It seems to me that if she were in the school where they take 2 weeks to do a chapter and really spend time and learn it instead of blowing through it in 3 days, she would do better.

I discussed it with her teacher about mid way through the year. His exact words to me were this "I have 35 kids in this class and a set curriculum to be followed. There is so much material to get through I don't have time to stop and answer every question a kid may have who doesn't understand". Now, I thought that was what a teacher is supposed to do. Explain it until you get it. But this is an advance placement school. The kids in this school are just supposed to GET IT - period!

I think she would do better in a school where the curriculum isn't so rushed and they take more time to learn the material. I also feel you are all right that her other activities need to be curtailed more. They are to some degree, but obviously not enough. I don't understand what to do, however, when she's off the computer, off the phone, TV is off and she's is just laying there, doing nothing. When I say, "why are you just laying there when you have work to do" she says something like, "can't I just rest" or "why are you always at me?" I can't open her scull and pour the knowledge in there.

When do you get to the point where you just throw up your hands and let the chips fall? She knows what she's got to do. She knows how to do it. It's up to her whether she gets it done or not. She says I treat her like a little kid. Well, if she wants to be a grown up, grown ups answer for their mistakes. She wants to go to college. It's all up to her, isn't it?

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:05pm

"I can't open her scull and pour the knowledge in there."

Is this the parental version of learning by osmosis? LOL Every time I see one of my kids just laying there, I always suggest they at least rest their head on the book, it just might accidently leak in. Generally, the next time I look, the book is open... maybe the words will march across the bed and jump in the head that way!

My response to "can't I just rest" is to turn off the light. Take a nap if you need one, then please get some of that homework out of the way so you can do something else...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:40pm

Dear Lyn:

I have read through all these posts and I think that everyone has given some good advice. After reading everything, I am leaning toward you sending your DD to the easier school. Is there some way you, your DH & your DD could sit down w/ a school counsellor or even a family therapist to discuss this? I think if everyone is in agreement, whatever you decide will work out.

I have a 17 y.o. DD (finising 11th grade) and a 16 y.o. SD (finishing 10th grade). They couldn't be more opposite when it comes to school. They go to a large public h.s. (the only public h.s. in the town) so there is something for everyone. All the basic courses have 3 levels--Academic, College Prep and Honors and some classes have Advanced Placement. My DD has been in all honors courses and gets A's and B's. She has just been accepted into National Honor Society, which is the top 50 kids in the class. I have been so lucky since she is just motivated to do well in school. I never have had to tell her to do her homework. She is also constantly on the computer IMing her friends, on the phone, going out and also works part-time. So for some students, they can balance their work and fun and still get things done. Sometimes I will mention something like "If you shut off your IM when you are doing your homework, you might get it done sooner" and she will say, "but we are discussing our homework" and sometimes they actually are. Obviously, since she's doing well in school, I don't worry about limiting her fun activities.

Now my SD started off 9th grade very badly. She had always done well in school before that. Her dad & I have only been married 3 yrs. but accd. to him she always was an A & B student. It wasn't even the moving and changing schools, because she did that in 8th grade and did fine. It started around Dec. of 9th grade when we found out she had been skipping school for a week by hiding in the basement until I went to work. Then it turned out, she had forged his signature on a report card and she was failing everything. My DH is not always as up on stuff as I would be but she didn't help either. Her excuse for failing math is that it was the teacher's fault for not explaining things, etc. Of course, if she had told us she didn't understand, we could have gotten her extra help. Last year was just a nightmare, not only about school.

This year she got dropped down from College Prep to Academic math for 10th grade. She also got assigned to an extra math class to help her pass a test that everyone has to take in 10th grade to be able to graduate. They do it now so that if the kids don't pass, they have more chances to take it before 12th grade. We don't know if she passed yet, but she is apparently passing everything this year. (My DH doesn't show me her report card, probably cause he is embarrassed.) I know she could do better in school if she put more effort into it, but since I'm not the mother I can only do so much. My DH tends to over-react, like "I will take the computer away from you permanently." She never brings any books home, where my DD always has piles of books. Maybe that's the diff. between Honors and college prep, but you would still think they have homework. She has been using her cell phone to be on calls late at night, which her father doesn't know. She has also missed a lot of school this year by saying she is sick. Maybe sometimes she is, but not that sick. We have a rule in our school that they can only miss a certain number of classes each quarter or they will fail (of course, if you had a serious illness with a note from a doctor, it would be excused). She is always getting into trouble by missing too many classes. My DH had to scramble and beg the dr. to give her a note for one day so she wouldn't fail the last quarter.

After seeing both sides of the coin, I think that at some point, within reason, you have to let kids take responsibility for themselves. You can help out by limiting the computer use, asking for reports on how the homework is done, looking at the homework, etc. but the nagging isn't going to work. Maybe the work is the harder school is just too stressful for your DD and she doesn't do it cause she is afraid that even if she does it, she still won't succeed. If it is her idea to go to a diff. school, maybe she will be more motivated to do her work and she will feel a lot better about herself if her grades are better. Even though she's in a more prestigious school now, it's not going to do her any good to get low marks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:29am

>>Even though she's in a more prestigious school now, it's not going to do her any good to get low marks.<<

I agree. I told her (well, actually yelled at her) back in March after the 3rd marking period that I was going to pull her from this school no matter what for next year, that I had HAD IT with all this and that was that! After I calmed down I said we would discuss it at the end of the school year.

It was she who came to me 2 weeks ago and said she wanted to transfer saying just what you did, that better grades in the less prestigious school would be better than lousy grades here. It took 1 day for her to start changing her mind. I agree it is reasonable to see how her last report card looks before making an absolute final decision but I still believe the decision to transfer is the right one for everyone concerned.

I have tried to discuss it with her but both she and my husband keep saying "let's just wait until we see her report card before we discuss/decide anything". That's all fine and well but report cards are issued the 2nd to last day of the year. The form needs to go to the principle by the last day of school. That's not a lot of discussion time. I don't want this down to a summary judgement due to lack of time but neither one of them will discuss it until they see her grades.

I simply want to wash my hands of the whole thing but how can I? I am her mother. I got very angry with my husband a couple of nights ago. I said to him.."Fine! Let her go back to this school. The first thing I will do is change the telephone contact number to YOURS so YOU can get the phone calls from her teachers and counselor in the middle of YOUR busy work day. YOU can take time off from work to go to parent teacher conferences where they tell YOU how smart she is but how she just doesn't do the work. YOU can talk/yell/scream/discuss/punish her until YOU need medication to survive it! And I will sit back and watch just like YOU do now."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:12pm

I am not a mother but a 22 year old girl, and I was very much like your DD in school. I loved my computer and friends more than school and even though I could do well I got c's and took only want I needed to take.

I finished high school but skipped classes most of my senior year and had teachers that just passed me. At the time I was happy, it was great.

Now, I wish someone had really slapped me and said hey wake up! Now I am going back to school for a Nutrition and I am behind in Math and science, classes I should have taken in high school. I went to a community college and finished with a 3.76, I did well and I could have in high school.

My parents tried in high school and I just didn't care, now it is coming back to bite me and I am going to need extra classes to catch up. I grew up, but its to late because my high school is done, your DD's is not.

Make sure she does not take the easy way out. Take off all the things she should not be doing, IM programs etc.

One day she will grow up and regret she didn't care, I know I do and I would do anything to go back and change what I did back then.

She may be a good kid, so was I. I never smoke, drank, did drugs etc but I messed up school. Make sure she doesn't, any way you have to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:03pm

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Me too, seirith! But my regrets have been hanging on for almost 30 years now. Just getting older doesn't make it different. Thanks for the 'young adult' input and perspective.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:59am

You know what? I love when the BTDT teens show up here and throw in their two cents. Seirith said exactly what I was going to say. EXACTLY. Hang in there Seirith, never too late to reform LOL!


Don't let your kid off the hook. Sounds like to me she's scaling back in order to take easy way out. Her argument of earning better grades in an easier school is valid. HOWEVER her motivation is unsound. Her priorities are wrong. Easier classes does not confer college success. Stick to your guns mom. I wish my parents didn't let me cop out constantly. I was really good at manipulating them and in the end I only hurt myself. Good luck, Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 1:14pm

Just wanted to let you guys know that she passed all her classes. Not great grades but a whole lot better than last years final grades. She has decided that she wants to remain at the better school and give it another try. I respect her decision ever though I truly felt the easier school would be better. We will see if she works like she should to do well in her current school. By passing everything and not having to go to summer school she has shown that she can do it.

Thanks for all your help.

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