Should we let him fail? (Long)
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| Wed, 09-13-2006 - 12:23pm |
My 14 yr old stepson's mom signed over custody to my husband and I because she said they were not getting along. He has been with us since the end of July. He has NEVER had rules in her house. We have some issues with everything, but school is one of the major ones. He has never been made to do his homework/school work in his mom's house. The schools "gave" him grades. He has turned in Science Fair projects a couple of weeks late and still gets a C. He took home a English test and returned it the next week and received a B. At any given time, he would have 30 missing assignments. However, he always passed classes (and grades) because he turned in the work the day of the ending of the grade periods. We took these concerns to the teachers/counselors. We were told that sometimes they are generous with the grades and that as long as the students does some of the work, they will give them credit. We have been trying him to make him do his homework. All we suceed in doing is becoming very frustrated. He did okay the first week of school. But now (school has been in about 5 weeks), he doesn't do the work. He recieved a worksheet (exercising and checking pulse), he has to fill his pulse in at weekly intervals for 4 weeks. He did week one after 2 weeks of getting and hasn't worked on it since. He has had it for 3 1/2 weeks. We kept asking and he said "later". Last nite, he was supposed to type a paper summarizing his exercise/food intake. He never started it. When we do get him to do his work, it takes him forever (i.e. 3 hours to copy an one page assignment) We keep telling him that he has to do the work or he will fail. He doesn't believe us. Not only is he in a different school, but also a different district. Should we quit trying to make him do his work(and hopefully this school will not let him slide) and let him fail?
Thanks...
P.S. He does not have any type of learning disabilities. He has been tested. He has also seen a few therapists (in the past). The results: Lack of Discipline in his household.

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Of course he doesn't believe you - it's not true. When the school keeps accepting his late work, and he gets B's and C's with zero effort, I'm sorry but what is this teaching him? I have to wonder what school district your in that does this - my kids both have LD and ADD and I can hardly get the teachers to accept any late work - one day late is what we've got so far.
Progress/Report Cards have not been sent out yet. We are hoping that the school he is in now won't allow him to pass if he hasn't earned it.
It's hard for me to suggest exactly what to do since I haven't been in this situation. My DD, who is a senior, was very motivated to do her school work. My son, who is just in 5th grade, is more of a procrastinator. He's ok w/ nightly hw, but if it's a project that he got a week or so ahead of time, I do have to keep checking in w/ him to see if it's done.
I can see 2 problems w/ your SS-1) in his previous school, he could basically coast along and still pass, so he doesn't believe it will be diff. in his new school, 2) since he never developed any study habits, he probably doesn't know how to study or be organized. I'd say if he doesn't have any learning disabilities, it shouldn't take him 3 hrs. to do one page. You also have the problem of moving and changing houses to one from no rules to one with rules, which he is going to rebel against.
I think I really would keep a close watch on him. I know my DD came home the first week of school w/ summaries from each teacher of how they grade, whether homework is counted, etc. They also have a progress report sent home about 1/2 way into the term, so if they aren't doing well, the parents will be warned before it's too late and they can work to improve their grades. I know it will be really hard, but I wouldn't just give up on this kid and let him fail. I hope his relationship w/ his dad is good enough so that he can explain that this is not a punishment, but it's meant to help him develop the skills he will need to study and succeed in school. I think w/ a kid who doesn't want to do anything, there will probably have to be some restrictions like no TV or computer time or whatever until he shows that the homework is done and you will have to keep checking in w/ the teachers. Good luck.
Sorry, I didn't get that he's changed schools. As long as the new school is different, he will see the natural consequences of his 'slacking' when his grades come out. I would not give up on him - what worked best for us is to establish consequences. If grades were not at least a "C" average (you may want to go higher since he has no LD), then t.v. is out of room; time on computer is restricted or eliminated, etc. Sometimes we also did groundings, no weekend plans with friends. As long as we were consistent, it worked, and my son does have ADD.
People learn lessons in very different ways. One thing about young people is that they tend to treat their school and social lives as if they live in some sort of protected "bubble" and that this little universe they live in reflects the outside world. It doesn't of course. His teachers may be too lazy to enforce rules and policies about late submissions (none of MY daughter's teachers behave this way that's for sure) but in the work force he'd just be fired -- period.
So...he's not going to believe you of course. And he isn't going to respond easily to discipline when for 14 years he's never had any.
So, does he have a job? There's a way to learn about meeting deadlines and being on time and getting the job done.
How about sports teams? Is he on a team? Try to get around a coach and not meet your commitments.
What about moving him to a local school? Maybe he should go to a new school now that he's moved.
Seems like he gets good grades when he does do the work so he's intelligent enough. But you have to find some way to make him care about succeeding. Something he cares enough about and somewhere he really wants to be so that he gets motivated.
Of course your DSS needs to learn the consequences of not doing his work, but I'm coming in from a slightly different angle here.
DSS has just had his life turned upside down in several different ways -- new living arrangements, new school, new neighborhood, new rules, new stepmom, etc. I know it's been 5 weeks already, but you may need to cut him a little slack while he learns to adjust to all the 'new' in his life. It's an awful lot all at once.
Could you contact his teachers and explain to them how lax his previous school was, how unstructured his home life was, etc? Let them know that you are not excusing his work by any means, but that he may still need some time to process all of this and develop new habits and attitude toward school.
He will most likely be in for a huge surprise when he gets those progress report. I think I'd ask for more regular progress reports from here on out so your DSS can see that much sooner how his lackadaisical approach to his schoolwork is affecting his grades.
Just a thought. Good luck.
Where SS is only 14, it's not going to have the same effect if he has a failing semester now as it would when he's 16 or 17, as far as his future goes.
Thanks for all the replies. We have taken privelages away for other things (disrespectfulness, not doing things he is supposed to, lying, etc.) We have yet to find anything that he cares about. He lacks motivation for everything. I know it is a big change for him to move in with us. The rules have not changed in our household from the weekend visitation to living with us full-time. We have always had him 6 weeks in the summer time and it always have been difficult. He is very immature for his age. He shows no respect for anything or anyone (more importantly himself). We have to try to encourage him. We have rewarded him for the good things he has done. We also can check his grades online (www.iiod.ssts.com), however, a lot hasn't been calculated (ie. the 4 week project). He thinks its okay as long as he passes. And at this point, he does not have any failing classes (He has failing papers). We do have a conference in a few weeks. We have showed him how to study and have given him the tools (i.e. desk in a quiet place, agenda books, dictionaries, online resources, tutors are at school if needed,etc.) If we fight enough, we can get him to do the work correctly. So, we know he knows how to do it, he just chooses not to or to take forever. He has stayed up until 1am doing a small assignments. He needs his sleep and cannot stay up all night everyday.
Tonight for instance, I asked about his homework. He failed to mention the exercise project. When I asked about it, he says "oh that". He is upstairs in his room at this time (he didn't come to dinner). He hasn't done any of his homework. He has came home 2 hours late for dinner with his mom and all she has said is "don't do that".
How do we find what will motivate him?
I don't think "let him fail" is the right way to phrase this. Think of it as more "let him learn how to succeed and take responsibility". It's not a you-vs-him forum, it's how can we (his parents) help him learn the skills he needs to be successful. Rather than "making" him do his work, I'd suggest that you continue to prompt him, remind him of deadlines, and teach/show him some time management and studying strategies. Hopefully, in the new school he'll also learn some new consequences - good grades for good work, poor grades for less good work.
I agree with other posters who suggested some incentives for good grades and work. Given his history, I'd stay away from punishment for bad grades - he might just say "who cares?" and shut down. But a fun activity (arcade, bowling, movie....) for good grades might make it worth his while.
Sue
You know, I think you hit on something.
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