Should we let him fail? (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Should we let him fail? (Long)
15
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 12:23pm

My 14 yr old stepson's mom signed over custody to my husband and I because she said they were not getting along. He has been with us since the end of July. He has NEVER had rules in her house. We have some issues with everything, but school is one of the major ones. He has never been made to do his homework/school work in his mom's house. The schools "gave" him grades. He has turned in Science Fair projects a couple of weeks late and still gets a C. He took home a English test and returned it the next week and received a B. At any given time, he would have 30 missing assignments. However, he always passed classes (and grades) because he turned in the work the day of the ending of the grade periods. We took these concerns to the teachers/counselors. We were told that sometimes they are generous with the grades and that as long as the students does some of the work, they will give them credit. We have been trying him to make him do his homework. All we suceed in doing is becoming very frustrated. He did okay the first week of school. But now (school has been in about 5 weeks), he doesn't do the work. He recieved a worksheet (exercising and checking pulse), he has to fill his pulse in at weekly intervals for 4 weeks. He did week one after 2 weeks of getting and hasn't worked on it since. He has had it for 3 1/2 weeks. We kept asking and he said "later". Last nite, he was supposed to type a paper summarizing his exercise/food intake. He never started it. When we do get him to do his work, it takes him forever (i.e. 3 hours to copy an one page assignment) We keep telling him that he has to do the work or he will fail. He doesn't believe us. Not only is he in a different school, but also a different district. Should we quit trying to make him do his work(and hopefully this school will not let him slide) and let him fail?

Thanks...

P.S. He does not have any type of learning disabilities. He has been tested. He has also seen a few therapists (in the past). The results: Lack of Discipline in his household.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:45pm

I have never been in these shoes and can only imagine what you are dealing with but here's my 2 cents: Peers can have an enormous impact on teens. I'm thinking how my DS is very influenced by older guys on his sports team; he sees them taking the harder classes and talking about college and that has had more of an impact on him that anything we could have said at home. Very hard, I'm sure to try to arrange something like this but maybe if you could encourage him to join the right group it would help turn things around.

I don't think I would let him fail - he's too young and has had too much going on.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:11am
Sounds like his old enviroment and school have set him up for a lifetime of failure. What a disservice to a child to allow a lazy work ethic and then give credit. No wonder these kids have a hard time keeping jobs later. You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to change things around for your son. He's learned that it's ok to be a slacker and get by at the last minute. What ever happened to teachers not accepting late assignments? When my slacker daughter finally got a teacher that challenged her it turned her upside down. She hated him at first since she was used to being coddled. By the end of the year she was at the top of her class. She still keeps in touch with him three years after graduation. He changed her life. Unfortunately teachers like that are too few and far between. Still it only takes one. Or maybe a parent who loves a child enough to allow him to fail. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:52am
In many ways he sounds like my foster son - the same pattern of inconsistent and neglectful parenting in his past. And what I've found with my foster son is that he doesn't have the ability to learn lessons the way other kids his same age do. He has to be treated like a much younger child - he's smart enough, but his maturity and emotional development is stalled due to not having his needs met when he was younger. That means that we can't just let him "sink or swim" because he can't see ahead well enough and really doesn't "get it". We have to have a much more structured environment -and the way we are dealing with school this year is to stay right on top of it. If he isn't doing what he needs to, he loses his privileges - time out with his friends, his TV in his room at night, etc. I'm currently struggling with whether or not to let him get a part time job - I've decided to let him try, but that is another privilege that will be revoked if school slides. I think the same sort of approach might be necessary with your stepson - he'll probably kick against all the structure he isn't used to, but appreciate it in the long run. A. has told me that he feels more cared for than his friends who AREN'T forced to go to school at all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:24pm

I live in Kentucky too....it must be a Kentucky thing.


image 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:30pm

I lurk here and live in KY also. My oldest DD is 14, just started high school. Starting in middle school last year they changed their policy. If you didn't turn in homework you got a progressively lowered grade but they kept on you to get it turned in. High school this year, they'll take it a day or two late, after that you get detention. This district is apparently pretty heavy on detention for high and middle schools.

Sallie

Pages