Should you say NO to having druggie BF?

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Should you say NO to having druggie BF?
16
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:27pm
Okay, I know that when you tell a teen they SHOULDN"T do something, they will often turn right around and do it? But can you draw the line when there is danger of being arrested? What if your DD wants to date a BF who is a known drug dealer in town? Can you just put your foot down and say No you are not going out with him?
Deb
Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:00pm

Alot of this would depend on DD's age and the amount of freedom that she has. If she's 18, you can strongly suggest and explain to her all the what could happens. If she's 15, by all means, you can say no. She'll hate you for a while but she'll probably eventually see it was for the best. If you were to say no, then be prepared to face that rebellion that might come. Explain to her in advance what the consequences will be if she sees him. Then be sure to follow through on them.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:27pm

I think you say your dd is 17? While of course you can say no I do think it might backfire. I haven't had any btdt experience, but how about saying she can see him only at your house? That she can't drive with him, or hang out anywhere unsupervised by you or someone you trust - that you care too much about her well being, and that as she has clearly seen, associations do matter. Make certain that you separate the behaviour from the person. I did this once: I told my dd that I don't hate kids who do drugs, I hate the drugs. For once she was silent. I think she really absorbed that.

I really think the counseling is going to do wonders for her. Make sure of course, that she likes she counselor. As others have said, you may have to go through a few. I can only speak from experience and what wonders counseling (even just group counseling) has done for my own dd. She loves her dr. and got to know and like the girls in the group. She can hardly wait for every Tuesday when she goes. I can only imagine the response she would get in group if she were to complain, "My mom won't let me hang out with my bf just because he's a drug dealer." Does that statement sound ridiculous or what? The girls would set her straight in no time. Don't lose hope, perhaps a turn around is right around the corner. I think your dd has just had a "significant emotional event". {{{HUGS}}}

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 4:52pm
Just this afternoon, DD told me she has to be at school at 6:45 for a field trip and that her friend is picking her up early (school starts at 7:30). I had a funny feeling and called the school to find out when the field trip bus leaves... the office woman said 7:30. Hmmm, surely there was some type of plan to go see the BF.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 7:49pm
So...are you going to let her go to school early tomorrow?
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 9:14pm
No, I told her I called the school and found out the bus leaves at 7:30 and that she could ride the bus or ride with her dad or me. She asked why she couldn't go with her friend and I said it was because she really blew the trust thing for me and that it would take a long time for me to trust her again. This non-trusting way is hard for me but I KNOW I have to do it this way or she will surely pull something again. She didn't argue.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 9:32pm
Good for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 1:17pm
I think you keep doing what you are doing but not necessarily come right out and say you are 'forbidding' the relationship.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 5:38pm
I don't have any great words of wisdom to add and I don't envy you one tiny bit having to deal with this.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 6:23pm

Drug dealers are dangerous. I wouldn't even want a known drug dealer in my home. And I wouldn't want my dd dating one and it made known or public that she was his girlfriend.

What if he transacts a deal while she is there and gets arrested? Do you not think she'd be arrested as well as an accessory?

What if he has some difficulty that leads to violence and she is around?

And this is over and above the moral and ethical issues with dealing drugs and making money off of someone else's pain and suffering.

I'm sure you know all this stuff but has your daughter considered these things? If she really likes this guy and he feels the same way she should tell him she can't handle his illegal activities and see if he likes her well enough to give them up. If he doesn't then she should take that as a sign that he's not the one for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:31pm
If you really have to ask this question you have bigger issues to deal with.

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