Should you say NO to having druggie BF?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Should you say NO to having druggie BF?
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Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:27pm
Okay, I know that when you tell a teen they SHOULDN"T do something, they will often turn right around and do it? But can you draw the line when there is danger of being arrested? What if your DD wants to date a BF who is a known drug dealer in town? Can you just put your foot down and say No you are not going out with him?
Deb
Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 2:45pm

I wonder if he is a drug dealer in the sense he knows how to obtain pot and may then pass it on to others his age(maybe with a bit of a price mark up)

That is not uncommom with high school and college age kids

Yeah, its illegal but I dont think we are talking about a 30 yr old dealing meth and cocaine

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 8:57pm
Deb, I don't think you've been on this board that long but if you knew the background, you would probably be a little more sympathetic. We DO have issues with this DD; in fact the last year and 1/2 has been an real rollercoaster of difficult times. DD (17) has terrible judgement and tends to choose the wrong types of people to hang out with and then, due to her poor judgement... ends up in bad situations. It's very difficult knowing just what to say to her because she is oppositional and wants her way. If we tell her not to do something, she usually does it. In all outward appearances, she has everything going for her... beautiful looks and has modeled, very gifted swimmer, and smart (just doesn't use good judgement). ANYONE who knows her sort of says "what the heck is she thinking??" when it comes to who she dates... they tend to be boys who don't really have any respect for girls and mistreat them. But if we express our opinion, she hangs on all the tighter. Now with this druggie guy, we don't want to make the mistake we made with the last guy and that was to tell her she should get rid of him.. that just made her hang onto someone who was very mean to her. BUT.. we are talking about possible trouble with the law and it's scary. We did put our foot down and say she was to have no more contact with him. He SAID he was going to clean up his act and quit doing the drugs but he didn't. She gave him a chance, he didn't follow through, now she has too much at stake to hang onto him and he doesn't respect her anyway. She didn't really pitch too much of a fit; not yet anyway. I just hope she doesn't sneak around and want to get back with him all the more now that we said that.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 9:31pm

I think you are being unfair to op by making that statement. It just isn't that simple to tell teens they are forbidden to see someone. They will go behind your back, and if you don't believe that then I think you have bigger issues to deal with!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:24pm

You are right I haven't been around long enough to know the other issues with your daughter. Sorry, but your post gave me a fright. As if this situation should be in any way ok. Now that I have read further I remember myself at 15 and attracted to the "bad boy" and he was pretty bad. I could have gotten into big trouble. When my parents met him, I could see that they did not like him one bit. Oh, good! They never said a thing to me and treated him nicely. Maybe even too nice. They smiled a lot. They called him "son". Yuck! After a while this wasn't so much fun anymore and it wasn't long before I saw him for the idiot they thought he was. I dropped him. I never said a thing and neither did they. It isn't easy raising a daughter, I have one of my own. Luckily I always liked her choice in boyfriends. Good luck and keep her safe.

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:38pm
I never insinuated that she wouldn't rebell just that why would you need to ask? If your child is in danger of being involved in criminal activity, you act. Fast and hard. You have to be in control or you may lose a child. Of course there is another point of view if you read my additional post to her mom. I am here on this board because I raised a son and a daughter. It wasn't long ago and I went through much of what I read here. I am here to offer advice and support if needed. Take it or leave it. I have two wonderful adult children now. It wasn't easy and sometimes they hated me. Now they tell me I was the best mom any kid ever had. I don't believe that but it means they appreciate what was done for them even if it hurt at the time. And of course I have other issues to deal with, who doesn't?
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 7:18am
We did act fast on this one and we've had some lengthy discussions about the seriousness of the situation... like one of the previous posters said... to get HER to think about the possible things that could happen. So far, so good. She will be starting counseling Tues. Maybe we'll all figure out why she doesn't have a higher self-regard and choose BF's who respect her and act appropriately. DD has been wonderful at home and is getting enough sleep now. Before she dragged around all day because she wasn't sleeping enough. I think she was up at night agonizing over the BF and how to figure out a way to meet up with him, since he didn't make much effort. It almost seems like a weight is lifted off her shoulders now that we said no contact. I can't get my hopes up too high yet though... I have been burned by that way of thinking. I just hope she realized this was serious bad stuff... that we acted to protect her. She has to appear in court in Nov. for a paraphenalia charge (my Homecoming post) and the police officer friend of ours said that if she goes to this hearing, has already started counseling, and is a model child until she is 18 (9 months), it will be wiped off her record. So there we made it clear there is to be no contact with this kid. Like dragonfly said... the counseling may help her turn a corner... I'm praying.
Deb
Debbie

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