Silly But I Can't Help It...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Silly But I Can't Help It...
6
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:49pm

Okay this is so silly but can't help how I feel sometimes. My 15 yo dd has a fairly large group of friends. They are 5 and sometimes 6 girls who hang out together alot. So when they get together, there are alot of them to coordinate and entertain. Today, spur of the moment, one of the girls who lives closest by the way drops by. She brings along another girl who also lives very close.

They watched a DVD, I ordered them pizza and they had a blast for a few hours. The whole time though I couldn't help feeling badly for the other 2 girls who they could not reach and couldn't get a hold of. Both of them were out and did get home in time that they could have come at least for a couple of hours but by that time, the girls here were in the thick of things and didn't have time to call them.

So here I am feeling all concerned that the two weren't included. I know it was last minute and I know it wasn't intentional but I guess I know all too well how it feels to be left out. My dd doesn't feel anything one way or the other. They weren't home; couldn't be reached and they'll get together next time. One of the girls, actually, has fairly strict parents and NEVER seems to be able to go anywhere even though she's maybe a block away. The other is very, very social and has so many friends she was probably out with some other kids. And yet I feel badly....why must I be such a schmuck?!

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 8:18am

I'm with you, and ds is with your dd. I guess it might be a generation thing. I would've felt awful if one of my close friends couldn't do something, even spur of the moment - ds just figures oh, well. (and I thought it might've been a guy thing!) Can't help; can just empathize!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:23pm
LOL! So its not just my dd! Anyway what I've learned since yesterday is that although they are a large group of friends there are definitely some alliances between them that are firmer than others. One of the girls, "A", has many many friends and although she is my dd's friend, they don't socialize much together unless one of the other girls is with them. There are 5 girls but there are some whom are more comfortable if the other is around. My dd is closest to "M" and "G" with "F" close behind and would socialize with "A" only if most or at least "M" is part of the agenda. Interesting dynamics. Tonighy my dd wanted to go to a movie and I watched her struggle with whom to ask. She ended up going with "M" to whom she is closest as most the others were busy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:02pm
Hi, I'm 16 and I know exactly what you're talking about! Perhaps it is a generation thing. It also may be because there are stronger friendships within the group of friends. For example - I have four best friends. I'm closer with Andrea than I am with the other three solely because I've known her the longest. BUT I do go out more with Hailey than I do with Andrea and the other two because Hailey lives the closest to me. By no means do I purposely "leave out" the other girls. I don't think it's enough to worry about, but I do see your point. True friends don't exclude themselves or others from fun. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:15pm

I guess I would say that if you are too concerned w/ your DD's social life, you will just drive yourself crazy. I pretty much stay out of it. My DD is 17. On New Year's Eve I told her I wanted to know what her plans were. Of course, I had no plans since I was sick all weekend, plus had to stay home w/ 11 yo DS.

First, she says "I am going to a party at Tricia's house and am going to sleep over." The driving thing is an issue bec. she can't drive after midnight until she's 18 and of course, noone wants to leave a New Year's Eve party before then. So I said she could either sleep over or go w/ someone over 18 who could drive. A little while later, she said plans had changed and she was going to go to a party at Abby's (both Abby & Tricia live in our neighborhood) and that Samantha (over 18) was going to drive. Then she said "You are going to kill me." Since Sam is also driving Deana to the party, and Deana's parents were having a party at their house, Deana asked us all to sleep over there and we can eat their leftover food, etc." I asked her "won't Tricia be mad that you said you were going to her party and then changed your mind?" she said no and wanted to go to Abby's since more of her friends were going there. I figured if Tricia was mad at her, well, it would be her problem to deal with. Next year she is going away (hopefully) to college and I can't be there to supervise all her social issues.

The only time I was concerned was after 9th grade, she had a fight w/ her best friend at that time which ended up spreading to their whole group who took the other girl's side, so basically for the whole summer she had only 2 friends who were still doing stuff w/ her. But there was nothing I could do except sympathize. Teen girls' friendships and social activities are very complicated.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:15pm

So, you're worried that the other two girls, who were unreachable and probably wouldn't have been able to hang out anyway, were not included?

The girls tried, were unsuccessful and so they went on to have a nice visit with one another - oh well. I don't see what the big deal is. Shouldn't any one of the girls in the group be able to hang out independently of one another? Isn't it healthy for them to be apart once in a while? I must be missing something or if I misread your post, please forgive me, but this really doesn't sound like something to give a second thought to, IMO.

I just think that there are bigger things to be concerned with and this is definitely not one of them. You know how there are Basket A issues and Basket B issues? This is a Basket C issue - barely even registers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 3:34pm
I hear ya....too much silly drama anyhow. Today my dd and her friends G and M decided to get togehter at G's house. F was invited but couldn't go and started getting all "if you guys were real friends you would not get together today but wait for tmw when me and A can come...". Well my dd and M took offence at that saying no one ever changes their plans when either of them is busy (M has a very strict mom and has to take her permissions when she can get it and my dd is busy alot with interests outside of school). But this one girl, F, never wants to be left out of anything and gets very sensitive if that happens.... I just laughed it off following all your advice -- too much drama, too much silliness to worry about.