Similiar to Sex, DD, and Gyno...
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Similiar to Sex, DD, and Gyno...
| Thu, 02-15-2007 - 2:23pm |
Hi everyone...I have a similiar situation to a previous post, listed above. So I just found out yesterday that my 16 year old daughter had sex. It wasn't even with a "boyfriend", it was with a guys she was "going out" with for a month, after a school formal dance. I guess all her friends "hooked up" that night. OMG, I was just sick to my stomach to hear it. All along she's told me about her friends drinking and having sex, but never her. She said she tried drinking once and didn't like it so she's just the designated driver at parties. She told me she was smarter than her friends and she was going to wait until at least college to have sex, and then with someone she was serious with. She told me she has access to drugs at parties but doesn't do them. Am I to assume she lied about all of it? Ok, I can understand the growing up part and the sexual being part, but why couldn't she tell me instead of making excuses? So, as upset as I am I decided to check out her myspace. (Our agreement is she can have one as long as I know the password and have access to it.) Maybe I'm out of line, but I wanted to see what she's talking about with her "friends". I didn't find anything about the sex, but I did read that she wrote to a friend that she and another friend went to a party at a hotel with some guy friends and they got "$***faced". Oh that's great! So she must have told me she was sleeping over at a friends house and she really didn't. I don't understand though, because her friend's mom and I usually check with each other about sleepovers. It was a month ago and I just don't remember the details of the night. I am even more sad now...and I don't know what to do. I really can't approach her about it now, it was in the past and I was snooping. We have to continue the sex issue, because my discovery came at a bad time yesterday. I read what you all said about open communication and I will use that, but how do I trust her again? How do I let her be "independent" and grow if I can't trust her? I'm so upset...can any of you give me some insight? Thanks!

I'm so sorry that your dd broke your trust.
She didn't necessarily lie about everything else she told you, it might have been the truth at the time, and she might have truly believed it then.
Up until 2 1/2 months ago my DD said she was going to wait until she is engaged to have sex, and I honestly think she beleived it at the time. Three weeks ago or so, I discovered that she and her b/f of 4 months had started having sex the week before. I didn't ask her where, when or why - I figure there are some things a girl wants to keep private, and the intimate details of her relationship with her b/f is probably one of them. But we do talk often of being safe, protecting her heart as well as her body, respecting herself, and it's one thing to have sex with a b/f in an exclusive relationship and entirely another thing to hook up with whoever happens to be handy - which is actually fairly prevelant in our high school, as young as 13 or 14. As far as where, I suspect that either friends of hers or friends of his told them "my parents won't be home until _____, here's the key to the house, you know where the family room is." I'm told that isn't unusual either. Turns my stomach, but a parent has to be realistic too.
Yes, it's going to take you awhile to trust your DD again, but deep in her heart, she is still the same girl she was before she had sex. I wouldn't pressure her too much for details - you probably don't really want to know, and besides that... how willing were you to discuss sex openly with YOUR mother as a teen or young adult? Maybe it comes from having been through this whole teen thing 3 times before with my DSs, but there comes a point when I had to be able to step back and say "this is his/her choice, not mine." If you don't "let" them become independent adults, they will push you away and "take" that independance in anyway that they can. I haven't changed my expectations of my DD in any way since I found out she and her b/f are sexually active, same curfews, same expectations for checking in when she's out and asking permission to go somewhere before she goes, b/f still isn't allowed in her bedroom, he still isn't allowed here with her when nobody else is home. I'm not going to make their sex life too convenient for them, but I'm also not going to grill her on it either.
Rose
Ugh I think I'd be sick about this too.... Its not just the sex and the drinking but the blatant deception that occurred. I can understand her lieing though -- what teenager wants to tell their parents about all the "bad stuff" they did? I sure didn't! Heck I'm 43 and there is STILL stuff I have NEVER admitted to or told my parents. They would be devastated by a few of the details I am sure.
At this point I'd say put the shock and disgust aside for a minute, sit down with her and ask her just exactly WHERE her head is at. Why is she feeling the need to hook up with boys? What about partying etc.? And expect her to lie because she may not really be crazy about telling you.
Is there anything you can tell her - a personal story from your youth perhaps - that might help reach her and connect? Somehow you have to head this off at the pass. What is done is done and you can't change that but maybe at least you can help prevent her for going any further down this path...
"I really can't approach her about it now, it was in the past and I was snooping."
I called my DD on a similar instance 3 months after the fact. She lied to you about her whereabouts and her activities. In my mind thats a safety issue and not one to be ignored. I guarantee you my DD learned that Mom will find out so either she doesn't do it or she just fesses up and tells me herself. So far as your snooping, she knows the rules and she knows you have the password so I don't really call that snooping. I have a very good instinct when my kids are hiding things and they know that I will ask first and if I'm lied to, I will dig until I find out. No way would I let that slide.
How to rebuild trust? Check up on her. Call before she goes places to verify what DD is telling you. Make her call from people's house phone and use a caller id to verify that she is where she said she would be. We've driven past houses to make sure that her car was there or that the party wasn't too out of control. Going to this extent showed DD how she had abused our trust and she wanted it back. So she started behaving in a trustworthy manner. She would call and tell me if she was going to a field party. I might not like it but I would accept it under the rules (no drinking, be home by certain hour, call and check in, etc.) Once she started acting responsibly, then I slowly gave her more freedom. It was a process that took a long time but we have a much stronger relationship now.
Good Luck!
Hello
I'm not a mom, but I am 16 and I've seen my friends and their parents go through similar issues. I will not try to pretend to know what you are feeling right now, but I have seen the same events from a different perspective, my own. For the past year or two I have watched promising, smart friends throw responsibility to the wind and drink(sometime drink and drive), have irresponsible sex, or try drugs. I am an only child and I think somewhere in my childhood I developed this feeling that I would be too ashamed to face my parents if I ever did anything even remotely close to that. So, I have watched my friends make bad decision with a more parental standpoint than one of a friend. As a matter of fact, I must admit that now I have found myself spending the weekends at the gym or watching way to many movies because everyone else is out enjoying their tee years...sorry I'm sidetracking
Anyway, this same thing happened to a friend of mine. Convinced that their daughter was spending her evenings with the girls, her parents never considered that she had been lying to them. Of course, they can't be blaimed because if they had pryed into her life to the extent that they found out what she was doing she would have despised them. I am so impressed at the relationship you and your daughter have with the Myspace thing...excellent negotiation. Clearly she trusts you.
The pressure to take part in the activities your daughter has partaken in is tremendous and unbelievable taxing. I've sacrificed all hopes of enjoying my high school experience out of a spineless, doglike sense of duty to my parents. In examining my own state my opinion is that your daughter will probably look back on her high school years as fun, so long as the behaivior isn't too prolonged.
It sounds like you and your daughter have a good relationship. Her lying is no reflection of you and your parenting. I think if you really express how deeply dissapointed (use that particular word-it is a splintered arrow through the heart of a daughter or son)you are and how upset you are. Shutting her up in her room will only make her resent you. She needs to know how you feel as a person who has been betrayed and not so much as an angry mom. Let her see how truly hurt you are.
Best wishes!
Carolyn
Carolyn, you sound a lot like my ds17 who has told me that he feels like his teens years are passing him by because he's not out drinking and doing drugs like his friends are.