Sleep Overs (long)

Avatar for lori33
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sleep Overs (long)
12
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 2:02pm
Hi, I wanted all your views on this. I know how I feel, but my sweet, intelligent 16 year old DD thinks we are just very strict!

One of my daughters friends, a female( I'll call Monica) whom my daughter has known since first grade has a male friend 17 yrs old ( I'll call Jim) . I guess Monica and Jim have known each-other for years although he is from a different town. Monica has even slept over at Jim's house several times (as friends.) Well, Monica introduced my DD to Jim 4 weeks ago and they have become good friends. They all go to Jim's house and watch movies etc. My daughter has been asking if she can stayover at Jim's house with Monica. I've told her no. She thinks I'm being very strict about this. Now, I've told my daughter before this all came about that I had good male friends in high school and she says it's just the same as my male friends in high school. I've told her I never even THOUGHT about staying at my male friends houses!!! Our daughter is a very sweet girl, really quiet, always had good friends never really "went out" much( I don't mean dating by going out, she's never dated yet)Up until about 3 weeks ago, she was pretty much home with us all the time on weekends etc. She thinks I don't trust her and I do. I told her there are situations that she isn't ready to deal with that could happen. She wants me to list them. She says she's not ready for sex, kissing or even holding hands yet and I believe her..... she's never lied to me before. BUT she says if I trust her so much, why can't she go, don't I trust her to pick good friends?? We have always been very close and it's getting so we won't even hug me at night. She also said she could stay at Monica's and Jim would stay there too,would that make a difference if they were at Monica's house? I said why do you have to stayover night, why not just hangout until your curfew on nonschool nights (11:30) then come home. She said it's just fun to stay up watching movies and then falling asleep and maybe waking up and watching more movies. I said no, it's just not acceptable to me for guys and gals this age to stay together overnight. I've never even met this guy, not that that would change my mind. This is our first big clash. How can you tell a teen that you trust them, but still have rules they might not understand? Can you all please tell me what you think??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lori33
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 4:04pm
It's not always easy being the parent but I think you are doing the right thing. I would never let my boys (13 and 15) attend or host co-ed sleepovers no matter how 'platonic' everyone was. The hormones at this age are just SO strong that things can quickly get out of hand, even among friends. Like you, I also had male friends in h.s. and we were all able to have plenty of fun watching movies, driving around, etc. without sleeping with each other!

Your reasons you are giving your dd are very valid. Of course she doesn't think so now and she thinks you are hopelessly old-fashioned I'm sure. You are lucky you made it 16 years without her thinking some of your rules are stupid! Stand firm and this, too, shall pass. I'll bet once she has a dd of her own she'll understand perfectly!

Pam



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lori33
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 4:34pm
I think in the situation you described you are doing the right thing. When we lived a long way from town we occasionally allowed DD's male friends to stay over, but not in the same room with her. We also discovered a couple of times that a bunch of kids (male and female) had spent the night when we thought they were going home. They stayed up late watching movies, then all fell asleep - long after DH and I had crashed! I guess you could say we weren't supervising closely enough but they were all pals - no couples - so we didn't get all bent out of shape about it.
Avatar for yuccabugg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lori33
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 5:59pm
As an 18 year old who bugged my parents to let me go to a coed sleepover, with no results, I agree that you are doing the right thing. A normal sleepover -fine. But not coed, not now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lori33
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 8:31pm
I would feel as you do. But she is also offering compromises, i.e. when she asked if it'd be better if it happened at Monica's. What would you think of offering the compromise of letting them have an all night movie night at your house? Then you are there, you can go up and down and keep an eye on things all night. If it really makes no difference, then there shouldn't be a problem with doing this at *your* home. I like the fact that your dd is offering compromises; when my kids do that voluntarily, I do my best to find a compromise that *I* can live with irregardless of what kind of 'sacrifice' it might mean to me (i.e. a night's lost sleep, lol). You want to encourage her willingness to try to work with you as opposed to just digging in her heels or you doing that.

In any case, sometimes there are just things that our teens are not going to *get* in the moment. Some things all you can do is say your point and leave it be. When you say the words, the words will come back to them one day when they are in a position where they suddenly think, ohhh that's what that was all about. Think of a 2 year old & telling them they can't play in the street. They don't have a clue what getting hit by a car would imply but they do one day. Teens are the same. WE are the same for that matter. Till our experience and wisdom grows to match our wishes and 'in the moment, this seems like a great idea', we are in the same boat as our teens and little children in these ways.

Good luck!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: lori33
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 11:32pm
I think your issue here is NOT the co-ed sleepovers, it's that your dd is starting to seperate from you. A 16yo who has never gone out with friends, much less dated, & who "Up until about 3 weeks ago, ...was pretty much home with us all the time on weekends etc." is TOO tightly tied to the apron strings. It's time to let her grow up!! My daughters began going on sleepovers in FIRST GRADE! By the time they got to HS, we allowed co-ed sleepovers, with rules & supervision, after big games, parties, or dances like Homecoming or Prom that kept their whole crowd out together late. Rather than have tired kids OR tired parents driving late, it was easier & safer for the group to crash here, or at the home of one of the other parents whose rules & quality of supervision were like ours. Of course, we always got to know our kids' friends, AND their parents. Whatever our kids got involved in, WE got involved in, so it was easy. We volunteered at school, we traded babysitting & "den parenting" with our neighbors, we had coffee & donuts after Mass with the other parents while the kids hung out together, we cheered from the sidelines & struck up conversations while our kids played sports.

The problem you have, is that she never took those baby steps toward independence. And now she wants to do it all at once. Do you trust Monica? Do you trust Monica's parents? Do you KNOW Monica's parents? If not, it's WAY past time to get familiar with them! Talk to them & find out how these sleepovers are supervised. Tell your dd you have to find out what kind of kid Jim is, and speak to his parents, before you even CONSIDER the sleepover thing, but you would be glad to have Jim & Monica come hang out at YOUR house. She also needs a VARIETY of friends. She needs to get involved in things at school and church, to help her grow emotionally, & be confident. You say "there are situations that she isn't ready to deal with". Well, how do you expect her to LEARN, sitting home with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lori33
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 3:43am
I totally agree with sabr's post; she has made some very important, very valid points.
Avatar for lori33
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: lori33
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:15am
Hi, I know sabrtooth's points sounded valid, but I didn't go into good enough detail I guess. My Dd has been to plenty of sleep- overs and is very involved in school & friends etc. I just meant that since she got her drivers license, she's been home quite alot compared to her friends. She has told me that many of her friends ( except one really close one) have already expermented with alcohol and drugs. It is scary out there for good moral kids!! I'm very involved with the school and the kids, I've had all the kids in her class in a preschool class. We live in rural Iowa and we know all of the parents. Our house is the "hangout" house because I'm almost always here and almost always have fresh baked cookies , bars and just food in general. I even get a bigger kick out of it because we live in the country and when I was growing up, the hangout houses were usually in town because they were close to the school. About 1/2 the kids in my dd class have no supervision and this "Monica" is one of them. I don't know anything about this "Jim" except that he's asian, which doesn't matter to me and from other people that he has a huge crush on my daughter. Something I think she thinks is just 'he's very nice" My dd had had a recent disagreement with her Dad and didn't want the kids here because she said he would embarass her somehow Which ( as hard headed as he is, might have happened!!) I just don't believe kids this age should have coed sleep overs whether it's with someone in her class ( boy) OR someone I don't have a clue about. Thanks, Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lori33
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 1:11pm
I still agree with you on the coed sleepovers - I'd rather be a bit tired and inconvenienced by bringing my ds home or taking kids home at midnight or whatever than start the 'lets watch movies til we fall asleep' thing.

BTW - what part of IA do you live in? DH was born in Burlington and still has relatives in the area. I lived in Keokuk for a short time as a kid and in Dubuque for 6 months - my first job out of college.

Pam



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: lori33
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 1:21pm
Well - I have to say for the most part I agree mostly with sabartooth post (sorry for the misspell). While we have yet to have a coed sleep-over or allow my dd to attend one, I have a number of friends who have shared with me they do allow it. Under highly supervised conditions and under the premise that the parents know the kids and thier character very well - and again - they are not couples - just very good friends.

Also - I have an uncle who is only 2 years older than me. He was raised very religiously as was his high school girlfriend. They lived in separate towns. It meant week-end travel for them to see each other. They stayed at each others' homes - separate rooms of course - and under the parents' supervision.

I guess what I am saying is it truly depends on the circumstance and the people involved. And bottom line - you are the parent and you make the decision based on what feels comfortable to you. In the end you are really the one who will be responsible for any consequences. But I would explore a little further to see if you are being too restrictive. This is an ongoing challenge I think for parents of teens. I am struggling with an issue right now myself as you will see in a post I am getting ready to make.

Good luck with it all. If only we had all the answers!!

Avatar for yuccabugg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lori33
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 4:35pm
I agree with a lot of you that having them over your house so you can get comfortable with them is a better idea.

I just wanted to remind you all that just because someone may be "religious" doesn't really mean anything. I was involved with someone from an uber-religious background and that did not hold him back from destroying several aspects of my life at that time.

Pages