Sleepovers and meeting parents...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sleepovers and meeting parents...
8
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:39pm
What the heck do you ask before you allow your teen to go for a sleepover at a friend's house? This is a bit odd for me, since my oldest bio child is 13 and I know ALL her friends moms, and I think I've known them forever. But my 15 year old foster son has friends that I don't know well, and whose parents I've never met. To my surprise, any time he invites one of them for a sleepover the parents give permission without ever having met me, and I'm not even sure they know where I live or what my phone number is. SO..today he asks to go sleep over at one of these kid's houses. This is a kid I've NEVER met before - who is at least a year, maybe 2 years, younger than Austin, (they apparently know each other from school last year, but I've never heard him mentioned before). I feel like I have to know SOMETHING about these people - so I insisted on going over to meet them. I felt a little awkward - but I introduced myself and we chatted for a few minutes. I have no idea what I'd even ask, and how can you know anyone after standing in the doorway with them for five minutes? About all I know is that it didn't LOOK like a crack house, and no-one was running around naked or waving axes in the air, LOL. Seriously, how do you meet your kids' friends' parents, and how well do you have to know them before allowing a sleep over?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:25am

I guess I'm lucky on this one for the most part, coz I've known most of the kids' friends and their parents forever it seems... such is life in a small town.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:14am

This has been a constant balancing act for me. I've had girls at my house whose parents have never met me, but when my DD goes to someone's house, I at least do what you did (walk in, say 'hi', etc). It is awkward, but like you I'm weeding out the crackhousenakedaxe stuff LOL.

I think this was the hardest part of the transition to HS for me - I knew all the moms in elementary school, but now I only know a handful.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:08am
Call the parents and talk to them. When you drop him off, go in and talk to the parents.
Find out what their rules are....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:35am
I would do just as you did. Go to the door when dropping him off. I think you'll at least get a gut feeling by doing that. Does the house look o.k., do the parents seem glad to meet you, seem responsible, etc. Another thing I've done is, if I know the parents of some of the other child's friends I call them for a "reference". That has really served to assuage any misgivings I may have had at first. Also, at 15, he's old enough to call you to come home or tell you about anything he's uncomfortable with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:58pm

First of all let me thank you for being a foster parent. I work with teens and college students and foster parents are a huge blessing - thank you!!

My DD is 18 and I still don't let her go to a total stranger's house w/o at least getting some info. When she was younger, I did exactly what you do. Don't just call though b/c DD had a friend pretend to be the parent and I inadvertently let my 15 y/o DD spend New Year's Eve with a drunk high school football team. Actually go meet the parents, get phone numbers (home and cell), ask them where they work, how long they've known your child, etc.

Now I pretty much get address, phone number, parent's names and usually do a drive-by at some point in the evening. If I see a few too many cars or evidence of behavior I'm not happy with (actually saw one guy peeing over another one once), then I call her and we discuss this further. She knows this is going to happen so she doesn't go to wild sleepovers anymore b/c she knows she's just going to have to leave. Since she's older, she's allowed to attend but must leave at a reasonable hour.

I also know that DD will be leaving for college soon and I won't know who, where, when etc but I intend to keep her safe as long as I can.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 4:09pm

After my DD was in h.s., I didn't really check out the parents too much, although there weren't too many I hadn't met. I guess I figured that if the DD seemed normal, I wouldn't worry too much about the parents. Plus by that age, my DD wouldn't want to sleep over someone's house if she felt uncomfortable about the parents. She has made remarks about one friend's father being kind of "creepy".

After all, if you chat w/ them for 5-10 mins., what info are you going to get anyway? Are they on drugs? If they are child molesters, do you think they are going to tell you? (I'm kind of exaggerating, but unless they come to the door high or drunk, how can you tell?) I'm also assuming this is a regular non-coed sleepover, not a party where kids are drinking, etc. You also can't judge much by appearances, because my DH has some tattoos on his arms, which might make many people assume that he is an unsavory character (he also rides a motorcycle sometimes). However, he used to be a nurse, he raised his DD alone since she was 3 and her mother died, etc. He used to feel that some of his DD's friends' parents didn't want them sleeping over cause he was a single dad, but that was the situation, so there's nothing he could do about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:23pm
I know - that's why it is kind of a dilemma. I guess as long as they seem friendly and welcoming I feel a bit better. The last set I met both came to the door (and the father DID have lots of tatoos and long hair in a pony tail - and his Harley was right outside, LOL) but they were both very pleasant, and made a point of confirming arrangements and making sure that I had their phone number. On the other hand, the set of parents I met BEFORE that didn't want to come to the door and I heard them screaming at their 3 year old. Do any of these points really MEAN anything? Probably not, but I feel like I should be doing SOME screening. Technically, my foster son isn't supposed to stay ANYWHERE that isn't fully licensed, but becasue of his age his social worker says "use your best judgement"! And I guess I better get used to it, because he'll be all mine by the end of the summer. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:52am

My thing is to meet them to confirm plans, just like the PP. They kids are a little old to really screen, but you can check out the parents and make sure they are aware of the plans, and tell them what you expect. Like my daughter is NOT allowed to go the mall or movies unattended without an adult. Some of the parents allow it, so I make sure the parents will be going with them. It amazes me some of the looks I get from the parents when I walk up with my daughter and introduce myself.