Sleepovers and supervision
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| Sat, 09-02-2006 - 4:25pm |
OK - really beginnning to doubt myself here - am I too protective/worryintg?
Last weekend, DD15 went to a friend's to sleep over, not a "sleepover party", just the two of them. When we got there, friend's mom was not there. Friend (K) said "my mom's not home from work yet. She usually gets home around 7" I was NOT happy, since DD had told me mom would be there, but it was already 6pm, so no biggie. I told DD I was not happy, but let her stay (and she had to be ready for pickup at 9:30 next morning for a doc's appt. TURNS OUT that K's mom didn't come home until 10pm, and then went out again (to the drugstore?) with K's stepdad. When I came in the morning, everyone (adults and kids) were still asleep, so I look like a total witch to make my DD get up so early on the weekend (but she knew I was coming).
FF to this weekend. Another sleepover at K's house (two other friends will be there, too). I told DD that K's mother had to be there, and DD (reluctantly) IM'd K that she couldn't stay if the mother wasn't going to be there.
Am I too over-protective? It doesn't help that K is one of DD's friends who has been known to drink at school (during lunch time). It's not that I don't trust my DD, I just don't like the idea of a bunch of 15yo's with minimal supervision. This is why I don't mind being the official sleepover house.
WWYD?
What should I do if K's mom isn't there at dropoff?
Sue

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If you fully trusted the other girl, I would probably be okay with the girls being alone some of the time but since you don't, I wouldn't let DD stay unless an adult going to be there. I would call the mom and ask her what time she plans to be home so that you can drop your DD off.
I don't think you are being too overprotective, especially given K's history of illegal activity.
I don't think you are being too protective at all. Out of curiosity, what does your DD think of K's drinking at school? Do you think it's something she does at home -- sneaks it into her room, etc? It sounds like it may be pretty easy for her to do that since her mom and dad pop in and out of the house for various reasons.
I think you should trust your instinct. I think that if K's mom was comfortable leaving 2 girls alone off and on at night, she probably would think 'there's safety in numbers' and leave 4-5 alone just as easily.
Perhaps you can call K's mom and find out what her plans are for sleepover night and if she thinks she may need to leave the girls alone, offer to host the sleepover at your house, since you are more comfortable with that anyway.
Julie
I agree with the others, you are not being overprotective. If you have doubts about the supervision that the girls will have at that house then insist that the sleepovers be at your house, or another house where you know and trust the parent. A parent could tell you that they will be at home but that doesn't mean that they will be checking on the kids, or will not allow them to go wandering, or have standards that are anything like yours etc. My dd used to love to stay over at a friend's where the single mom was always home at night; it turned out that the mom was a heavy sleeper who went to bed early and didn't hear the girls leave the house.
I was the meanest mom on the planet for awhile because I outright banned sleepovers. We had trouble with girls drinking here during a sleepover and who knows what all they did at other homes. Since you have reason to doubt the friend's judgement during daylight hours you may have more reason to doubt it at night. Trust your instincts!
Update
Since the 3rd girl in this sleepover is my DD's "straight"est friend (they joke that they have only each other to stay straight with!), and K's mom *was* there, I decided to give it another chance. It sounds like a normal sleepover - too much eating and talking, not enough sleeping LOL. I still prefer the sleepovers to be here - I can keep a closer eye
Sue
Hi Sue,
I agree with the others that you are not being over protective. Having said that, I think it's going to be difficult as she gets older - I have faced this too. It seems that alot of parents are okay with unsupervised sleep overs around here - or at least, that they choose to "trust" their kids, as they would put it.
I'm just wondering though what everyone else does when their kids have a sleep over - do you stay up and insist that they get to bed at a reasonable hour? 'Cause if you do, chances are they won't want the sleep overs at your house. When my dd14 has a sleepover, she knows that she is always suppose to tell me where they are going, if they want to go for a walk around the neighborhood or to the nearby park. I generally do not allow them to go wandering around after its dark. However, I do get to bed around midnight and they are sometimes up to the wee hours watching movies, and I do allow that. It has never been a problem so far. Maybe that's cause I do have 2 other kids, and they help "police" each other. I have no idea. If I ever find out they are sneaking out, I guess things will have to change. I would guess I would have to ban sleep overs. When they are in her room, though, I have to confess I would have no idea what is going on in there. I guess some amount of trust is necessary.
I do want to warn you that it sometimes is not any better when the parent is there. After all, H.'s dad was always there (he is disabled) but apparently H. would sneak out the bedroom window (her bedroom faces the front of the house). Then another friend told me that she is confiscating cell phones at her dd's sleepovers, b/c one time one of the girls was having a fight with her b/f and he came over late at night to see the girl when both of the parents had already gone to bed for the night. I think the confiscating cellphones bit might not go over too well, even with some parents. I guess at some point you just have to trust them...I know my ds16 has been in some pretty dicey situations, and so far he always seems to make the right choice (knock on wood).
I always stayed over at my friends house because her mom just didn't care. They lived right across the street from my house, so my parents felt perfectly safe. But, her mom went to bed early and had loud sex that we got to listen to and giggle at, then slept. It was very easy to tell when she was asleep, too. Then, we snuck out. We went out the bedroom window, which makes me laugh now because we just as easily could have walked out the slider door in the back and no one would have noticed! We'd stay gone until just before sunrise and be sound asleep when her mom got up in the morning. When her mom wasn't home, we drank. She drank a LOT more than I did. She always filled the bottles up with water to make it look like they were just as full. Then one day, after we'd been hitting her mom's bottles for about 3 months, her mom asked us to stop refilling the bottles with water and ruining what was left! We were both shocked! She didn't mind that we drank her alcohol, she minded that we ruined the rest of the bottle. From there, it was a free for all! My parents never knew and they were right across the street. I suppose it helps that I was never much of a drinker, but not by much, considering we were only 14 at the time this all started.
I much prefer now that my dd have her sleep overs at our house, where I know there is no alcohol (I have 1 small bottle well hidden!) And since her room is right above mine and she knows we have security cameras, chances of her successfully sneaking out are very, very slim. At this point, I send her and a friend to bed around 11 and expect them to giggle until around 1. I do expect them to sleep, though. And I don't allow her to sleep over somewhere that the mom doesn't care if the girls sleep. That just doesn't work for me, and it takes her a good 2 days to work out the lack of sleep.
Just my 2 cents and more...
I don't think that you are being overprotective at all. I do not allow my children to spend the night at a friends house without adult supervision but if I know and trust the kid and her parents I am okay with my kids being there for a few hours unattended. I think that part of that is just trust. My kids have not done anything to break that trust yet, well at least my daughter hasn't.
When kids come over to my house for a sleep over I make sure that they are settled and give them their space. They have to tell me if they leave the house and have to be home by a certain hour. I do not take away their cell phones or anything like that though. They can stay up as late as they would like. If I ever caught my daughter sneaking out, she knows that she would be in trouble (learned what happens there with her older brother).
Adelaide
I feel your pain...
We recently moved to a very small town in ID pop 1200 from Raleigh NC.
My DD14 met a nice girl ( I thought) and they started having sleepovers, no problems, anything.
Then FF to last weekend. I was told that B's mom would be home, and I kept calling and checking on my daughter anyways (they said her mom was asleep)
So I called again later to check on them and my DD rushed me off the phone.
Called again half hour later B. says "Tiff's asleep"
I said "Wake her up"
She fakes saying "wake up, wake up" then gets back on the phone and said "she won't wake up"
I said "get her on the phone NOW"
So DD gets on the phone obviously faking that she is sleepy.
I hightail it over there with DH only to find them drunk, bottles everywhere.
I told DD to get her stuff she says "No, I am staying".
DH says "NOW"!!
She bitches and moans all the way home, then becomes apologetic, then naggy, it was awful.
Needless to say there will be no more sleepovers at B's house!!
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