Sleepovers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Sleepovers
15
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 6:00am

I posted about this previously under "weekend negotiations". I have come to dread Fridays because of the negotiations and

Photobucket

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 6:49am

Stick to your guns - if you're not comfortable with the situation, just say NO and refuse to discuss it further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:16am

Well, our son was recently suspended after he admitted drinking. After a whole lot of questioning both him and his older brother, we found out that kids DO often drink at sleepovers. My older son said that the only time he drank in HS was when he'd be staying over somewhere--he was smarter about how not to get in trouble for it, I guess. We will no longer allow our 17 yo to sleep over at any friend's home. It was not the parents of my son's friends who'd allow the drinking, but he told us they'd walk to other kids' homes whose parents apparently don't care. (At least they had the sense not to drink and drive.) So calling the parents ahead is not enough, unless you also specifically ask them if the kids will remain in the house the entire night. And how will they, or we, know if they sneak out?

Ugh! Unless we're constantly with them, it seems they'll find a way to get in trouble. I thought that was supposed to stop at the toddler stage.

Skip the sleepovers!

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:24am

Sorry but I would absolutely forbid sleepovers especially if you know this type of behavior is going on (which normally does at sleepovers). Even though your daughter doesn't drive, what makes you think that others aren't driving while drinking, even driving illegally. I think the other parents would agree too if they knew the circumstances. I forbid sleepovers when I suspected that my teenage daughters were taking advantage of the situation. My 19 year old later admitted that the sleepovers were a way to do things that, naturally, they shouldn't have been doing.

If you give your daughter a reasonable curfew, then she doesn't need to be sleeping over. Nothing good happens after midnight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:58am

I had no idea this was going on with my first one-he was a pretty introverted kid with 2 friends-never dated-never invited to 'a party'. I was thrilled when he slept over at one of those homes because he was actually socializing! I was shocked to find out a couple of years later that they were drinking!!

DS2? Not so shocked. He hung with the popular crowd and yes, the parental attitude was these were student athletes on the honor roll, they worked hard all week and they 'deserved' to blow off steam on the weekends by partying.

It's tough. I called the sleepovers a few times and made DS let me talk to the parents but all I said was that I was checking he was where he told me he would be-I didnt have the nerve to ask if they were providing liquor.

I guess you could say I gave up his senior year and focused him on staying safe by not driving-if you're going to drink, stay over. At this point he hung with a lot of older kids from his lifeguarding job-they had apartments.

The other way I could present that change is that I wanted him to be prepared for college by getting a taste of learning self control in high school.

I do think at some level that is a valid point-Im not sure where your dd is at 17 grade wise-but maybe the last semester of high school, allowing it with guidance on safety might be 'educational'????

If she is still a junior, nope! I'd stand firm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 10:45am

It is very difficult.

I first experienced the "drinking sleepovers" last year. My dd (16) has had the same group of friends for probably 8 years. I know all of their parents, etc. Last year they changed dance studios, to a "better" one out of town. The first sleepover they were invited to, I talked to the mother, met her, etc. Well, after dd comes home, a couple of days later I found out that they were supplied alcohol at the party, BY THE PARENTS. My dd "says" she did not drink. She said her and one other girl didn't. Everyone else did. Well, my dd has not been back there to sleepover again. But, her friends have. I even told the other mothers what I "heard" goes on there, without saying that dd told me. And they have continued to let their daughters go. And choose to ignore it.

Since then, it really has snowballed into A LOT of drinking sleepover parties at different houses. I have tried to explain to my dd, who I really think is having a hard time being the ONLY one of her friends who is staying away from these parties....for now. I really feel like it is a ticking time bomb!

Her friends are lying to their parents, etc. I am happy that my dd is (right now) telling me what is going on, but, I am not sure how long it will last! AND the parents that have the NERVE to supply OTHER PEOPLES KIDS with alcohol really makes my blood boil!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 10:57am
I don't know what is wrong w parents who supply kids w/ alcohol since they could get into so much legal trouble for doing this, both civil and criminal. I would never supply any underage kid or allow them to drink in my house. I don't really know what to say since my DD hasn't asked to go to group sleepovers. She has slept over one friend's house on many occasions and I never thought it was for drinking. I have also learned that she has tried alcohol on a couple of occasions this summer (she's a 17 yo senior) and that she didn't sleep over, so I guess forbidding sleep overs isn't going to stop the drinking either. She told me when she went, who was driving, etc. and said they were going to a movie, so it wasn't that she said she would go to a party. At least that night the kids were smart enough to pick a designated driver. My main focus is keeping her from drinking & driving, since I know now it's going to be impossible to totally prevent her from drinking. She says she drinks much less than other people. So now I am thinking that all her friends, who I like and are supposedly the "good kids" in school are sitting around drinking all the time on weekends. I don't really know what the answer is for this since if she goes away to college next year, there will be no way to supervise this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:02am

Exactly my situation with son #2. Having a follower for a son is a lot harder than having a leader, even if the leader leads others to trouble. Not knowing what's going through my son's head has me constantly worrying...esp now after the suspension, I'm afraid he's severely depressed.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:52pm

I would start by telling her today that beginning this weekend she is to accept no the first time or she won't be going anywhere. Arguing will not be tolerated. And then you have to stick to it. DD and I went through this and after about twice of her staying home that night, she quit arguing about whatever we were telling her no to. In exchange, we promised to just not automatically say no and to really think about her request. The guidelines were explained - if I think you want to stay out to avoid having to follow our rules (drinking, curfew, etc), then you will not stay out. If I think you are staying out b/c you want to be with your friends, then we parents will begin rotating whose house you stay out beginning with ours. This way we will begin to trust your friends.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:47pm

Ya know, I've been reading these responses and thinking about it all day. At first, I was ready to say that I was grateful for the responses that confirmed that

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: karezz
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:09pm

Call the mom and ask her if she will be home all evening. Ask her if boys will be staying all night. Ask her if their will be alcohol. Give the mom your home phone number and a cell phone number and tell her to please let you know if she needs anything.

Sleepovers are good for kids but not if the ONLY reason is to avoid the house rules. Homecoming weekend is a fun weekend and a special occassion. If you can be reasonably assured that they will be supervised, then I would let her go but only if she understands that arguing is not allowed. A reasonable conversation in which she presents her thoughts and views is a good thing as she does need to learn to express herself in a positive manner. You need to explain to her that you will give all due consideration to her request as long as she doesn't argue and that sometimes you will say yes and sometimes you will say no. As a parent, sometimes all we have to go on is our gut instinct and mine is fairly well-developed. DD has learned not to argue when I tell her I have a bad feeling but I've also learned to give her side of things some thought before I just automatically allow myself to get that bad feeling.

Also explain to her that each time you allow her to go somewhere and she stays out of trouble and does as she's expected to do, you will begin to trust her more and with that increased trust comes increased freedom. Then you have to be willing to back that up. If she goes Fri night and stays out of trouble, then you have to consider letting her doing something else another time. But make sure that these conversations are calm ones, you are the parent. If she starts to be disrepectful and argumentative, then end the conversation and tell her you will be happy to talk when she is calmer. She will learn soon enough that arguing will not get her anywhere.

Good Luck!

Pages