SMACKDOWN IN CHURCH PARKING LOT

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
SMACKDOWN IN CHURCH PARKING LOT
9
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:20pm

This past weekend I attended a baby shower in our church fellowship hall, I had forgotten my camera and returned to the parking lot to retrieve it from the car. Out of the corner of my eye I say a young girl, 12 years old push her mother in to the side of their family van and followed up with a blow to her mother’s stomach. She the proceeded to scream ”I told you I am ready to leave!”

My brain had a mini-stroke, did I just see a clip from Tweens Gone Wild? The attack of tween continued, all the while the mother was consoling the child, begging her to listen to reason and yes, they would go to the mall for her new shoes in a few minutes.

I am not particularly a fan of corporal punishment, but remember spare the rod spoil the child? My children are sixteen and twenty-three, I can count the spankings they had on one hand, all before the age of 10 as I remember. By the grace and mercy of God this was not my child. I surely would have resorted to smack-down in the church parking lot, grounds for some sort of religious retribution from the church elders I am certain.

A couple of tips:

It is okay to say NO to your children
The earth does not revolve around your children
It is your responsibility to discipline your children
Teach consequences for actions
Extend and expect respect

I am not Mother of the Year material. DD & DS have seen anger, disappointment and tears in my eyes, when they cross a line sometimes I yell. Making certain they know where they stand and I love them in spite of some behavior or choice. Sometimes I practice imprisonment; I have had the nerve to ask where they are going, with whom and what time they will be home. Sometimes I say NO, knowing that they will hate me for that moment. Sometimes I say or do nothing, letting them reap the consequences of her actions, even when doing so breaks my heart. DD & DS have at various times alluded to slavery practices when forced to do their chores. But I do all these things, why? Because I am their parent and advocate, I am not their friend. Contrary to all the contemporary parenting experts, I long for a world where mothers and fathers return to parenting.

CONSIDER THIS QUOTE AS IT APPLIES TO OUR SOCIETY TODAY:

It might sound a paradoxical thing to say –for surely never has a generation of children occupied more sheer hours of parental time –but the truth is that we neglected you. We allowed you a charade of trivial freedoms in order to avoid making those impositions on you that are in the end both the training ground and proving ground for true independence. We pronounced you strong when you were still weak in order to avoid the struggles with you that would have fed your true strength. We proclaimed you sound when you were foolish in order to avoid taking part in the long, slow, slogging effort that is the only route to genuine maturity of mind and feeling. Thus, it was no small anomaly of your growing up that while you were the most indulged generation, you were also in many ways the most abandoned to your own meager devices by those into whose safe-keeping you had been given. Midge Decter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:09am

I agree with much of what you've written.

>>>>It is okay to say NO to your children <<<< LOL I think my kids would (on some days) say I learned this one too well! But the joy of saying 'no' sometimes, is when you say yes it means something.

>>>>Teach consequences for actions <<<< This one, too, is key - both positive and negative consequences are the way we learn. If you ask nicely, I may do what you're asking; if you scream at me, it's guaranteed NOT to happen. If you behave responsibly, you will gain more trust and have more freedom.

I have a co-worker who laughs regretfully about her teen daughter's selfishness - very sad to see.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:54am
I would love to send your post to a couple of my sisters, but they wouldn't get it. My kids are the oldest of my parent's grandchildren, my oldest niece is 4 years younger than my youngest child. 2 of my 5 sisters allow their toddlers and preschoolers to run their household... the kids say "I want...." and mom jumps like some kind of servant, and I don't think "no" is part of mom's vocabulary. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that in a few years, it's going to be those sisters in the church parking lot with their tweens. IMO, some of those hellatious, out of control teenagers didn't get that way when they turned 13, they've been ruling the roost for years, and have no experience with the word no. Another of my sisters disciplines with force - they MAKE the kids do things by virtue of the fact that mom is bigger, stronger, and faster than the kids.... what that sister forgets is that at some point those kids are likely going to be bigger, stronger and faster than mom - then what are you going to do?? My DSs all reached that point by the time they were 12, and the oldest 2 have been stronger and faster than dad for about 3 years now too... they've got to respect parental authority long before the tween age for reasons other than sheer size or it's setting mom up for a "church parking lot scene" IMO. I feel bad for that mom in the parking lot, but something went wrong long before that afternoon.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:33am

I am a lurker on this board, but this post really struck a nerve with me (not at you of course!!).

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:48pm

We are in a situation now where my DH's nephew, who is almost 17, is residing in some sort of group home or foster home because he threatened his stepdad w/ a knife. Of course, this was a long term problem of mother ignoring the kid, working long hours, stepdad is kind of an ignorant redneck type. They never really knew how to exert parental control and on the other hand, gave this child all kinds of material things but in DH's opinion, didn't give him much attention. My DH has a DD the same age and when those 2 kids were little and his sister was divorced, he used to take care of his nephew a lot. He said he never had any problems because he clearly explained the rules and the nephew knew he wouldn't take any crap. On the other hand, my DH played w/ the kids a lot.

About 3 yrs. ago, DH was out of work and nephew spent every school vacation w/ us (I guess cheaper than getting a babysitter or going to camp). We never had any trouble. He even helped out around the house. Then even after he had been in some trouble and sent away from home, he wanted to come over. DH was a little nervous cause I have a younger son, but he told nephew "You can come if you obey the rules. There will be no drug use, no smoking." He came and everything was fine. His mother was actually annoyed at DH because he told her son he couldn't smoke in our house. Another example of the child ruling the house--the parents actually buy him cigarettes, even though cancer and heart disease run in the family and his mom is a nurse. That would be the day that I would buy my kids cigarettes. I suppose I couldn't prevent them from smoking outside if they bought cigarettes themselves, but I didn't even allow my own father to smoke in my house, so I wouldn't let my kids do it.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:48pm

> > I surely would have resorted to smack-down in the church parking lot, grounds for some sort of religious retribution from the church elders I am certain. < <

Not to mention Child Services, if someone saw and turned you in.

An acquaintence of mine, who is all of 5-4 and 90 lbs soaking wet, got into an argument with her 16 yo son at the local mall. As they were getting into her car, he pushed her and smarted off and she slapped him. Someone called CS and they came to call (address from car tags, I guess??). They asked what happened and then asked to see the child in order to question him. She called him into the room, all 6 foot, 180 lbs of him. CS took one look at the kid, and said "nevermind".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:12pm

Well you are kind of preaching to the choir here, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:29pm

Actually, I did speak to the mother and the daughter. I very politely (well, maybe not politely) interjected myself in to the fiasco. It seemed to put an end to the tirade the tween got in the van and slammed the door.

After speaking with the mom a few minutes, empathizing with the situation and the embarassment she must feel, I suggested that this was red flag behavior and perhaps she could obtain some assistance in counseling. She became very defensive and tossed the daughter's behavior off as one of her tantrums, "nothing new" and "she is just feeling her growing pains." Unfortunately, I feel this mother has not yet felt the full impact of growing pains. Wait until this young girl hits sixteen.

The pastor's wife was in attendance at the baby shower and I shared what I had witnessed and my concerns. Hopefully they will be directed to some type of family counseling when they are ready to explore that option. I am certain this situation did not develop overnight.

As for the daughter, I said very little other than to invade her personal space and remind her that her mother's friends were aware of her behavior and if there was anything she needed to talk about I directed her to a variety of sources available. What I would have preferred was to drag the brat out of the car by the ear (but not my brat) and really what would that have accomplished?

Since I have no BTDT experience I was at a loss for advice for this mother and child but did the best I could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:50am
"just feeling her growing pains"??? The brat should have felt a good smack across the backside years ago! As you said, this didn't develop over night, and without some serious intervention is going to only get worse in the next 4 or 5 years. My guess is that this girl hasn't heard no nearly often enough in her short life, and has been running the household for years.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:46pm

Hi, this is one of my main pet peeves, children running the show! I would have been speechless to witness this! W-O-W!

My Dh's ex wife lets my sds decide if they go to school(youngest one missed WEEKS if not months of school last year), do homework, visit grandparents (they don't), you name it. I can't for the life of me understand how some parents can usurp all their power like this. I am not a dictator (I am a huge fan of consequences and 'extend and expect respect' etc) but giving them the choice over things that should be mandatory is unbelievable to me. And violence like shoving mom into the car is never acceptable.

I know what these parents must say "I don't have the energy for the battles' etc..but come on! I agree, when you have to put your foot down with a willful child, it can get very ugly (the aftermath of sticking with saying 'no' to my ysd has lasted hours) but can you really, in good conscious, make decisions regarding raising your children around your own needs?

I hate to quote dr phil here but I will: You are not raising children, you are raising adults. If this scenario is normal at the home, then this woman is likely raising a bully and/or someone who may find taking orders from a boss impossible (and may end up unemployed). Not to mention what kind of roommate or partner would put up with that behavior. It's sad.

Enough of my soapbox, but this sort of thing gets me so riled up!haha :)

TTC 2 Journey 10 mos ttc naturally with Met (all bfn) June 2010 back on clomid 100mg x 7 days-BFP! M/C August 4 more rounds of clomid (3 w/ IUI) all BFN March clomid plus injectables -BFN April = natural cycle May back to clomid plus injectables