Sneaky Smoking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Sneaky Smoking
15
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:28pm
I will try to make this quick. My DSD 16 is in town (lives with BM in another state) for 3 weeks. My DH and I both Smoke (yucky). Tofay I left the house with my DS to take him to my mothers while I went to work. I got halfway there and forgot something, so i had to turn around. I came back home and immediately smelled (newely put out) ciggarette somke in the garage. I didn't say anything, I just went back out to the garage and found that she (DSD) had taken 2 cigs (about 3/4 of the way smoked) out of the ashtray and put them 'aside' (prob. for later). I put the cigs back in the ashtray and dumped it into the outside garbage cans. I called my DH on the way to work and told him. We both agreed that although we both smoke, that we do not condone this behavior in our home. My dh said that he thought that DSD's bm lets her smoke. My dh also said that he would speak to her when he got home from work today. My other issue is that I have a DSS 14 (DSD's brother) who lives with us full time, to our knowledge he does not smoke, but now I am begining to wonder. If he see's his big sister doing it then why wouldn't he? (he is easily persuaded!) So In your honest opinion what would you do/ say to DSD?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 3:05pm

Well, honestly how can you tell her not to smoke when you both do it? I know she is not old enough and you are but what kind of example are you setting for her?

If she sees you both doing it, she probably feels it is not that bad to do, or else, why would you do it? Can you really tell her how bad smoking is when you both do it?

You also said you both smoke, yucky, then why do you still do it? Why not quit and set a good example for your step children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 3:14pm
Good luck, it sounds like a sticky spot to try to stand in. If she is 16, and allowed to smoke at her Mom's, and you smoke too - it was inevitable that she would start. I am so sorry for you all, take care. It's sad that you probably don't feel like signing the whole family up for some kind of Stop Smoking program. Take care.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 3:16pm

It's going to be difficult to dissuade her from something you both obviously enjoy. I am not a crazy anti-smoker or anything, but I do know that if you're smoking and telling your dd not smoke at the same time, your words mean nothing.

OTOH, you're an adult and it's your home and you're smoking legally while dd is smoking illegally. So, you can use that argument.

You say: "listen we know you're smoking, but you're underage and we do not condone underage smoking in our home. If BM allows this in her home, that's her business, although she is breaking the law and we will not do the same."

She says: "But YOU smoke - what a hypocrite you are!!"

You say: "Yes, I realize that it what we're saying is hypocritical to you, but the bottom line is that this is our home and you're smoking in it is illegal and we will not break the law. When you turn 18 and it's legal, then we may reconsider. But in the meantime, no smoking."

OR

"Yes, it seems hypocritical to tell you not to smoke when we're smoking. But if you smoke it is illegal and it's not illegal for us as adults. We can compromise by trying to quit smoking - how about that?" and then DO IT!

Are you and H ready to quit?

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:51pm

From one smoking mom to another...

You can use the illegal angle on it--the same argument we use for drinking, driving without a license, etc. I have also used the "once hooked, you can't quit" argument. My sons have seen and lived thru my times of trying to quit so they know how difficult it really is. Tell her "Hypocritical, sure, but (depending on how old you are!) when I started smoking, it wasn't known to be harmful. Yes, now we all know better, and if I had known then what I know now, I would've never started."

Hopefully by talking to both your dsd and your dss about how hard it is to quit and how kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray might make them think twice before starting.

Good luck (and keep your own cigs locked up somewhere so she can't steal 'em. If she can't get them, she can't smoke them.)! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 6:46pm

Another smoking mom here.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:24pm

And yet another smoking mom here - if only quitting was as easy as everyone thinks it is

:(

I haven't really had to examine this issue with my kids - DD hates smoking with a passion and begs me all the time to quit - then she remembers what I am like when I quit and understands how difficult it is.

DS is 11 and still think it's disgusting - I don't think he'll be an issue, but then again I'm sure my parents did think it would be with me either.

I would just sit down with dsd and have a heart to heart - about the health, the law and the addiction, yet if mom lets her.... you are not going to accomplish much sadly...

Good luck....




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:36pm

And yet another smoking mom here - if only quitting was as easy as everyone thinks it is


Amen to that!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:08pm

I've been dealing with this situation with my daughter for a while. In fact, we've had several "scenes" about this in my house. We don't smoke, but we discovered that our daughter was. We told her that we didn't allow smoking in our home, and that we didn't want her to smoke at all. I grounded her twice for smoking in the house after we told her this, and I think she stopped doing it here. Of course she could still be smoking elsewhere.

We can't be with them 24/7; all we can do is keep making it difficult for them to smoke and telling them how bad it is for them.

Hope this helps.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:27am
One thing you can tell her is that it is illegal for her to smoke under 18,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:14pm

Actually, to be a little picky here, I don't think smoking for people under 18 is illegal, it's SELLING cigarettes to a minor that's illegal (for the store). I have never heard of anyone under 18 being arrested for being in possession of cigarettes.

We don't smoke and don't let anyone smoke in our house. Both my MIL and DF died from emphyzema so if my kids ever decided to start (and right now, I doubt they would because they are pretty against smoking) I would remind them of grandma hooked up to oxygen. My SIL also smoked and tried to quit various times and has now quit again, so I do have sympathy for smokers and know it's really hard to quit. The thing is that if the girl's mom lets her smoke at home, then she's addicted by now, so expecting her to quit cold turkey for 3 weeks isn't any more realistic than expecting the parents to quit. so saying "don't smoke" even though she has already started isn't going to work.

I really don't think there's anything these parents can do as long as they continue to smoke because parents teach by example. I read this book "yes, your teen is crazy" and with regard to alcohol and drugs, the author said that you really can't tell your kid not to drink if they always see you having a drink every night after work. So I think the same thing goes for smoking. Either the 3 of you have to try to quit together or she's going to continue to smoke even if you say she can't.

Although I wouldn't go as far as my SIL (another one) who actually bought her son cigarettes because she was too wimpy to tell him not to smoke (she doesn't and there is a history of cancer and heart disease in the family).

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