Snooping - When the tables have turned
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| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:42pm |
Has anyone ever had problems with your teenager snooping through YOUR personal stuff? I am going to be totally honest here. My husband and I have a couple of VCR porn tapes which, we have watched bits and pieces from time to time. These tapes were placed in very back on the top shelf of our closet...along with other adult type novelties we've gotten throughout the years.
My 16 year old step-son started (about 5 months ago) snooping through our personal things and has discovered these tapes, along with some Playboy mags. The first time, he had found the Playboys. He has a part-time job after school. He apparently looked through a few, lost track of time and had to get to work. He forgot to put the Playboys up. When my husband and I got home (with our 6 yr old son), I saw the magazines scattered on the coffee table. Thank goodness I got to them before our younger son saw them! The 16 year old got a stern conversation by my husband and I and stressed the importance of our privet stuff. (we don't go through his things)
Not a month later, he had pulled the magazines out again but this time left them on our bed. Again...another stern talk. The third time, he found our personal lubricant and decided, I guess..to use some. My husband noticed the nightstand drawer open and the lubricant missing. I covered it up by telling him I must have placed it on my dresser. While my husband was in the shower, I told my step-son that he borrowed something from my room and I wanted it back. I then talked to him about "INVASION OF PRIVACY."
He apologized and said he wouldn't go into our room again. Guess what?!? Last week, he plundered in our closet and found those lovely tapes. Playboy magazines are one thing, but I totally draw the line knowing my son watched porn. I don't want him to think that this is the way women should be treated. You know how porn can be I am sure.
At this fourth and last time, I totally blew my top. I started going through his personal things while he standing in the room! I wanted him to feel violated too but he just sat back and said he didn't care. He didn't have anything to hide in his room. So, I took his TV, Game systems and games. I put him on indefinite restriction. To him, this was the worst thing I could have done. **I should interject here and say that for the most part, he is very responsible young man and gives no problems with drugs or drinking.***
He was so angry that he climbed out of his window and went to his grand-parents house. (my in-laws) I sent my husband over to get him because he wasn't going to be permitted to run away from his problems. I wanted him to seriously think and be remorseful about how I felt violated. He lost my trust too.
Things have been really strained between us and he tries to act like he normally does, but I refuse to sweep this under the carpet. He has asked how long the restriction is and I told him it was until I am satisfied that he realizes the severity of his actions and how those actions made me feel. I have a feeling he is going to try and hold out longer than me...hoping my anger will subside and I will give in. Nope...I am going to stick to this one.
Any comments or advice on this will be so very helpful. Or just knowing there is someone out there who has had this happen to them.

Oh, yes! This has happened to me, too. Not that I have porn or anything like that laying around. But my dd had gone into my room and gotten into things she shouldn't have. (She also went into her brother's room and did this). I had a locksmith come and put different locks on both bedroom doors (ones that had to be opened with a key). I also stressed to my dd how disappointed I was that I couldn't trust her. She said she wanted a lock on her door, too, but I said "no" and the reason was because her brother did not invade her privacy the way she had done with ours. Since then, my dd has gotten a LOT better about respecting privacy and we only ended up using the locks for about a month.
Good luck!
You aren't going to like what I have to say.
No, your step-son shouldn't have been rummaging through your room. That was a clear boundary violation and he should have consequences.
However, the old "do as I say, not as I do" advice has never worked. You cannot have pornography in your home when you have minor children under your roof. There's just no way around it. They WILL find it eventually. For an adolescent boy its like catnip to a cat. And with the graphic and degrading nature of porn today it is even more damaging than ever to a young mind. I work closely with an adolescent mental health facility, and we are seeing more and more teens and young men who are truely addicted to pornography to the point that it has beome an obsession that interferes with normal life. This stuff is garbage for the soul. I and my colleagues are convinced that it is doing significant damage to male-female relationships in this country. ivillage has a message board called "Families Damaged by Pornography." Hop over and take a look.
You state "...I totally draw the line knowing my son watched porn. I don't want him to think that this is the way that women should be treated. You know how porn can be I am sure."
If you believe this, why do you have it in your home?
Sorry but you are not going to like what I am going to say. Although I agree that he should be punished because he has invaded your privacy, you should also realise that you have kids in your household. You should not have that type of material in easy access to any child (and a bedroom closet is easy access.)
Kids are curious,especially young teens. What are you doing with pornography in your closet, even if it is "hidden"? What did you expect? Of course,once his curiousity was "wetted",he would look for more "juicy" stuff. He is a teen boy, after all!
Take all that material and lock it up. Get yourself one of those little "safes" with a lock and put all the Playboy & porn in it & anyother material that might be "iffy".
The rule of thumb with kids is
"Don't leave anything not locked away that you don't want your kids to ever see".
I would also lock your "night table" or "medicine cabinet" in your bathroom. Any kind of medication should be not handy to kids.
There are various types of trunks you can buy, I know we got ours at Walmart for about $12. Small price to pay to prevent the 'invasion of privacy'. We keep anything and everything we'd be mortified if the kids discovered in it and keep it locked.
As an adult you have the right to your own personal adult entertainment but with that is the responsibility to keep it locked away and away from the kids!
Denise
Thanks for the advice
Personally I don't have anything in the house or on the computer or in the car that I don't want found unless I know it is 100% secure from outside discovery. When we first got a home computer my husband would view porn online (fortunately when we weren't home) and wasn't familiar enough with technology to realize it was getting downloaded and saved on our PC! It was about 8 years ago and my kids were very young and I would be horrified to think that they would see it. I was horrified when I saw it, believe me! Now I recognize that he had a right to his private thoughts but to have it accessible to anyone in the house was unacceptable to me.
When I was a kid my dad had some playboy magazines and some playing cards with topless women and those silly pens where the woman's bikini would come off when you turned it upside down -- stupid stuff like that. When I was a young girl I stumbled upon them and it totally changed my perception of my dad in a number of ways and a time when I was very young and unable to handle it. Looking back I am appalled that my dad didn't take better steps to protect me from these items.
So I'd say its up to you as the adult to secure your stuff. Lock it up. Don't leave the key or the combination to the lock-box lying around anywhere. Ie have it with you at all times. This applies to stuff in your handbag as well. We all don't want our kids rummaging through our purses but...they do sometimes and stumbling across a diaphragm or some other items may lead to some awkward moments.
Your son after all is just a normal 16 year old and faced with being caught doing something wrong he is going to put up his defences and he is not going to easily admit to being in the wrong. After all, let's just face it, it wouldn't be in his nature as a teenager. They aren't mature enough to own up to this sort of thing.
My middle son was into 'bling' in junior high and helped himself to a few jewelry chains from my jewelry box. I was upset with him for the 'stealing' aspect but he didnt have to dig to find the stuff-it was on top of my dresser.
Thats the closest I can come to identifying with your experience. I find it odd and, to be blunt, disturbing that he is so cavalier about this. I would expect him to put everything back just as exactly as he could. Maybe getting interrupted once and you finding out but just blatantly leaving stuff out after he has messed with it??
It sounds like he is trying to get caught or send a message of "how do you like it?" Or this post is.
I do have to say I got some chuckles about the responses, though. Lock up my nightstand so my sons dont access my personal lubricant?? Well, that one has never been on my radar
When DS2 was 11ish, he came into our bedroom to talk and mid stream pointed and said 'you left the condom on the nightstand'. Yes, DH had placed it there and forgot to dispose of it-gross! I was embarassed, but life went on
I think porn and sex toys should be place in a discreet place in the parents bedroom but anyone snooping gets what they deserve and...life goes on! I see no reason to put anything under lock and key unless the videos involve mom and dad
And yes, he needs to learn to respect that privacy and shouldnt be doing ANYTHING in there short of hunting for a roll of toilet paper in the master bath
Speaking as a young adult (18 years old) and therefore as a teenager, you may want to think about why your son might have been snooping in the first place. You don't mention if you'd snooped in his room before you caught him snooping in yours. Has this ever been the case? Have you at any point snooped in his room or his personal items and been caught, or mentioned something you found that concerned you, and he's shouted at you some variation of, "I hate you! I'll never forgive you for this!"
If so, he's most likely punishing you for going through his room and his items.
This may make me an immature, disrespectful brat, but... I'd probably do the same to you. I daresay a lot of teens would feel justified in going through your things if you went through theirs. And of course, two wrongs don't make a right, but I'd feel that I was on an even footing. I would also probably feel incredibly sickened ("Yep. They're still doing it.") and never look again.
You are perfectly within your rights to be angry about your son snooping in your bedroom. You have the right to feel invaded. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would you say your son had the same rights? Probably not. You're a mum first and foremost. Your son is your business. It's your home. But why, if you are ashamed to have those things in your room, are they there in the first place?