So aggravated by DSD

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
So aggravated by DSD
14
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:15pm

I'll try to keep this short, but it's hard for me. Just the background, 17 yo DSD has a history of not doing what she is told re the cell phone. The latest was when DH found out that she had been using the phone late at night after he told her (several times) not to. Normally this wouldn't matter in the summer, but she has to go to summer school and in order to have a car to get there (there's no bus), she has to get up at 6:00 to drive him to work to have his car to go to school, then she goes to a babysitting job, then will pick him up from work.

So DH starts getting into an argument w/ me today on the phone on something totally minor and I was really annoyed because he was really yelling at me and then when I would try to talk, would hang up. Very mature. So a while later, after he calmed down, he called back and said he was sorry for yelling and then he tells me that he found out that DSD has been sneaking downstairs after we were in bed to get the phone and text message. OK, a couple of months ago, she charged an extra $80 on the phone bill because instead of the 200 TMs that are included, she did an extra 900 or something like that. This month already, she has 400+ extra. I thought DH was going to cancel the TMs on her phone, but apparently he didn't. She was told to pay the $80. I don't know if she gave him the money or not. So now, he took the phone away from her.

So then she is at her grandmother's overnight (the aunt she babysits for is in the same town as GM, which is quite a distance from where she lives) and give GM the old "My father is so mean to me" story. He calls me up and talks my ear off for about 1/2 hr about everything they said. Of course, I don't think she tells GM that she regularly disobeys dad, sneaks around, drives his car w/ friends in it illegally and all the other stuff. She even said things like I only cook pasta (well, I am Italian, so isn't it logical?) and I won't take her to the store to buy clothes (which she has never asked). GM actually buys everything that DSD tells her. DH said that GM was welcome to have DSD go and live in her house if she didn't want to obey the rules in our house.

On top of all this, DH has been having a lot of medical problems lately. He has had various tests and noone has really made a diagnosis but he is being sent to a specialist and it looks like he probably has some unusual kind of cancer. It's considered a slow growing one and not immediately fatal, but of course, this is adding so much stress. He is already under counselling, but the stress just makes him very irritable and acting out at everyone. I just don't know if I can take this anymore. LIke is it too much to ask that DSD not use the phone after 11:00 at night? I don't think that's unreasonable. He has been more than willing to let her take his car all weekend and basically every time she wants it.

She had the nerve to tell her GM how mean he was to make her take summer school. Well, actually he talked it over w/ the guidance counsellor and he felt that even though she could technically take 7 classes next year and still graduate, given her poor academic record, the GC thought that wouldn't be the best idea. Well, who was not doing their homework and basically goofing off, so she didn't pass English & Science last year? Is that our fault too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:37pm

Well...I definitely feel that most of your family's stress can be due to your husband's illness.

I can't give advice regarding stepchildren because I've not been in that situation but I do have teens...with cell phones...and grandparents.

First let me say, is your daughter waking up on her own and going to summer school as she's told? If so, why not be a little lenient with the cell phone. After all, it's summertime and as long as she's able to function properly during the daytime, why not give her a little freedom at night (she sounds somewhat responsible what with school and babysitting). Otherwise, you're going to have to sleep with the cell phone under your pillow (and I've been there done that). You can save yourself a lot of heartache too by just increasing the number of allowed TM. Trust me, they're going to TM each other...a lot. It's best to just increase the amount. If you feel uncomfortable with that, have them pay the difference each month. It beats paying the ridiculous fees they charge when teens go over their allowed number of TM.

Regarding the grandmom. I find the relationship between GM and child to be "sacred". There's not a lot you can do to "defend" yourself because the GM will ALWAYS understand the grandchild. That's their job! :>) I don't mean to make light of the situation but I'm sure the GM knows what's really going on, etc. If GM offered to have your DSD live with her, then I would say...fine, go ahead. Perhaps a few week's visit over the summer might shed light on her activities. I'm sure she'll return after a week or two.

Again, I will send positive thoughts your way regarding your husband. Illness takes a tremendous toll on a family. You must pull together and battle whatever challenge he will face. He will need your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 4:05pm

DSD gets up at 6:00 a.m. when DH wakes her up. I never actually had to institute a rule for my DD about when she had to go to bed or get off the phone. I figured by the time she was a senior in h.s. she was able to decide that by herself. After all, I wasn't going to call her in college and tell her to go to bed. The big diffs. were 1) my DD would at the latest be off the phone or in bed my midnight and that was rare, while DSD could be on the phone for hours on a school night talking until 3:00 a.m. I think that's ridiculous. 2) My DD was getting A's and B's in school while DSD was getting a couple of F's, therefore summer school. If my DD wasn't doing well in school, then I would take all steps necessary to make sure she did her work.

I think the bigger problem is that she refuses to obey her father's rules. It's not up to me to say whether she could use the phone at night. Summer school is only for 4 weeks. I think that if she finished that and passed and said "now can I use the phone later at night" he might have said yes. It's the sneaking around that is the big issue. After all, he has been very reasonable about letting her use the car and go out w/ friends. He made a contract w/ her about summer school too. If I get a note from the teacher at the end of the week, you can use the car for the weekend. If no note, you can't. So far she has been able to use the car.

DSD already lived w/ the GM 2 summers ago for the whole summer. Unfortunately, DH & GM have a really bad relationship, so more than normally, GM believes everything DSD tells her. When we had the problems 2 yrs. ago, she never told her GM that she was skipping school and failing. Accd. to GM, everything is DH's fault, so DSD gets a lot of sympathy from her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:21am

i agree, gm is automatically going to believe dsd over ds. not going to change. might remind gm of who's actually flunked the classes. it isn't your dh, but dsd. she's 17, right? if must, let her go live with gm for a while, again. can gm handle it? does gm know she sneaks? does she sneak over at gm's? or is she allowed to go whereever? cut off the texts. bring the phone into your room, dont leave it where she can get it. put under pillow if needed.

got to be stressfull for you all, including dsd. is she acting worse with dh getting testing and being snappy? might be a way to get more attention, kwim?

best wishes to you and hope all works out well

sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 12:04pm

No this has nothing to do w/ the testing because this kind of behavior has been going on for a couple of yrs.

I don't know how she would behave at GM's. When she spent the summer there 2 yrs ago, she was only 15, so she wasn't old enough to drive. I think she was pretty bored w/ no cell and no computer. She had moved from the same town her GM lives in now, but since it had been a couple of yrs, she wasn't that friendly w/ her old friends. If she moves back, she will have to change schools for her last yr of high school. I do think she would miss her friends from the town she lives in now. It's a 30-40 min. drive so I don't think she would see them that much and the old friends would have new groups.

I have no idea how GM would be about letting her drive. I know she wouldn't let her drive when she had her permit, even w/ GM in the car. GM is in her late 60's but not in that great health. I don't think she really wants DSD to live w/ her. She also has an aunt in that town, who is the one she is babysitting for. Her kids are 9 & 7. I don't know if her aunt would take her in or not or if she would want to cause then she might get stuck as the live-in babysitter. It's funny how all these relatives on the mother's side will criticize DH. They even all joined in 2 yrs. ago when GM tried to get guardianship, but when it comes right down to it, they won't step up and say that DSD can live w/ them, so I don't know where she is supposed to go. Do they really want her to go to a foster home w/ strangers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 1:19am
Rough spot really made worse by GM stepping in undermining what little authority DH may have. If she is headed to college next year, this may be the time to just throw your hands up and deal with this for one more year and focus more on Dh's problems instead. It a shame that these kids (I hate to generalize, but there really are so many) don't realize that parents aren't trying to make their lives difficult, we're just trying to make them become responsible and become "adults"
Anyway, I don't know the solution, if she pays and then does whatever she wants she just got around the rules. If you take away the text ability it may just make her be on the phone more and go over on minutes and make a new problem.
Hopefully she'll realize that her family is important and start showing some respect to the people who most likely care the most about her.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:04pm

DH & DSD had a conversation this weekend (which consisted of 95% of DH talking) about her obeying the rules of the house. GM's big help is "just tough it out for one more year until you're 18." Well, what is she going to do then? Is GM willing to have her live there if she's 18? That wasn't made clear to me. DH & I are hoping that DSD will be able to go to college, which is what she allegedly wants (to be a teacher) but because of her academics, she will be lucky if she gets into community college. I just found out that she actually didn't go to one of her final exams. DH said he is going to monitor her school work more closely this year, which he should have been doing all along. You do get warning notices, so it's not like it should be a sudden surprise that you are failing a class.

There is really such a bad relationship between the 2 of them, it's pathetic. I was really hoping that she would go away to college, because they need some space between them, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen unless she does move in w/ GM.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:20pm

Seriously, cancel the darned phone. I cannot honestly believe that you are still dealing wtih this issue. Does H have a spine at all? I mean, c'mon. This girl is controlling and manipulating everyone around her, even you.

I would deactivate the phone and be done with it. You can deactivate the phone without cancelling the service and being penalized as long as you pay a minimal fee each month. We did that with our dd's phone for 8 months. When we decided she could handle the responsibility again, we had the service turned back on minus texting and things have been fine ever since.

And if you have an extension in your room, take it off the hook each night so it disables every other extension in the house during the hours of 11PM and 6AM. It's really simple. You need to stop her in her tracks. And let her complain to everyone and anyone who will listen. You're not depriving her of anything and she's not being abused or maligned in any way. She's just pushing your buttons and testing your limits and now it's time to show her that her tactics will not work. Ugh. I just would be soooo freakin tired of this crap by now. You deserve a medal!!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:26pm

>>>I think the bigger problem is that she refuses to obey her father's rules. It's not up to me to say whether she could use the phone at night. Summer school is only for 4 weeks. I think that if she finished that and passed and said "now can I use the phone later at night" he might have said yes. It's the sneaking around that is the big issue. After all, he has been very reasonable about letting her use the car and go out w/ friends. He made a contract w/ her about summer school too. If I get a note from the teacher at the end of the week, you can use the car for the weekend. If no note, you can't. So far she has been able to use the car.>>>

No, I think the bigger problem is that your H is not being firm and staying firm. He flip flops and gives her an inch and she takes a foot everytime. She's pushes and pushes and complains to everyone who will listen and then he gives in. If she's not pulling her own weight or following the rules, why does she have driving privileges at all? Contracts only work if you utilize them to the fullest. DSD is a smart, cunning and manipulative young lady and she has learned that it works and will continue to manipulate as long as it does. And really, there is no reason for anyone to be on the phone past 11PM unless it's an emergency and most teens don't have to deal with real life emergencies so that's out. Our phones get turned off at 10PM. And if my 17dd is caught on the phone past 10PM she loses the privileges for the next day altogether. We removed the phone from her room for her own benefit - the temptation was too great for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:59pm

As of now, DH has completely taken the cell phone away from her. He says if she has to go out, he will let her borrow his phone in case of emergency. There was also some discussion about getting her a pay as you go phone and making her pay for it. The trouble w/ DH is that he will make a big deal out of some extravagant punishment, then go and change his mind and relent, so nothing he says makes any impression. And he would always say to me "you will give in to your kids if they keep asking you." Actually it is the opposite. He told DD he would take her off his insurance and not let her use the car any more and then the only way she could get to summer school was that he would drop her off at her friend's who lived nearby at 6:00 a.m. (school doesn't start til 8:00). I'm sure her friend's family would really like being disturbed at 6:00 a.m. every day, right? and this doesn't mention how she would get home. Would she sit in this girl's apt all day til someone could pick her up even if her friend and mother were working? This plan doesn't really make sense, does it? So then he thinks about it and today I guess she is back driving to school. I don't know if he is letting her babysit or not cause he says one thing and changes his mind the next minute.

He does the same thing to me. We were having an argument over the phone last week, caused by his stress about his DD. First he says "i'm going to get a divorce" and hangs up on me. Then an hour later he calls back and apologizes and says he should pack some things and leave for a few days to give us some space. I say ok, then he only goes out for the night and doesn't leave. Then by last night he was back to Mr. Romantic. It makes my head spin.

Her grandmother says "I can't believe you are making such a big deal about the phone" and as someone else suggested, we could get unlimited texting for only $5.00 more a month, so that probably would be a practical solution. But it's not about the phone, really. It's about the fact that she doesn't obey and she's sneaky and doesn't care what her dad tells her to do. If she can get away w/ it, she will. Then he goes overboard and says "if I can't trust you not to use the cell phone when I tell you not to, how can I trust you not to have other people in the car when you drive?" I kind of see his point. She actually is not trustworthy. But then he lets her go out w/ the car on the weekend to go to a place where they have mini-golf, gocarts and other things. It's about 20 mins. away. She said she drove one car and her friend met her there (she's not legally allowed to drive yet w/ other teens in the car) but who really knows? It's not like we're going to go to that place and check up. So he doesn't even make the point by grounding her for one weekend. I think it would be more effective to have a lesser punishment and stick w/ it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:33pm

I'm struck by your statement that none of this is really about the phone, it's about her disobedience and sneeking around.

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