So aggravated by DSD
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| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:15pm |
I'll try to keep this short, but it's hard for me. Just the background, 17 yo DSD has a history of not doing what she is told re the cell phone. The latest was when DH found out that she had been using the phone late at night after he told her (several times) not to. Normally this wouldn't matter in the summer, but she has to go to summer school and in order to have a car to get there (there's no bus), she has to get up at 6:00 to drive him to work to have his car to go to school, then she goes to a babysitting job, then will pick him up from work.
So DH starts getting into an argument w/ me today on the phone on something totally minor and I was really annoyed because he was really yelling at me and then when I would try to talk, would hang up. Very mature. So a while later, after he calmed down, he called back and said he was sorry for yelling and then he tells me that he found out that DSD has been sneaking downstairs after we were in bed to get the phone and text message. OK, a couple of months ago, she charged an extra $80 on the phone bill because instead of the 200 TMs that are included, she did an extra 900 or something like that. This month already, she has 400+ extra. I thought DH was going to cancel the TMs on her phone, but apparently he didn't. She was told to pay the $80. I don't know if she gave him the money or not. So now, he took the phone away from her.
So then she is at her grandmother's overnight (the aunt she babysits for is in the same town as GM, which is quite a distance from where she lives) and give GM the old "My father is so mean to me" story. He calls me up and talks my ear off for about 1/2 hr about everything they said. Of course, I don't think she tells GM that she regularly disobeys dad, sneaks around, drives his car w/ friends in it illegally and all the other stuff. She even said things like I only cook pasta (well, I am Italian, so isn't it logical?) and I won't take her to the store to buy clothes (which she has never asked). GM actually buys everything that DSD tells her. DH said that GM was welcome to have DSD go and live in her house if she didn't want to obey the rules in our house.
On top of all this, DH has been having a lot of medical problems lately. He has had various tests and noone has really made a diagnosis but he is being sent to a specialist and it looks like he probably has some unusual kind of cancer. It's considered a slow growing one and not immediately fatal, but of course, this is adding so much stress. He is already under counselling, but the stress just makes him very irritable and acting out at everyone. I just don't know if I can take this anymore. LIke is it too much to ask that DSD not use the phone after 11:00 at night? I don't think that's unreasonable. He has been more than willing to let her take his car all weekend and basically every time she wants it.
She had the nerve to tell her GM how mean he was to make her take summer school. Well, actually he talked it over w/ the guidance counsellor and he felt that even though she could technically take 7 classes next year and still graduate, given her poor academic record, the GC thought that wouldn't be the best idea. Well, who was not doing their homework and basically goofing off, so she didn't pass English & Science last year? Is that our fault too?

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Dear Rose:
You are right as usual. There was some court ordered family counselling 2 yrs ago but I don't know if it did any good. People have to want to be motivated to change so ordering them to go to counseling is kind of useless. DSD also went to counselling by herself, but just stopped it abruptly. Due to confidentiality, we have no idea if the therapist suggested it or if she just stopped going on her own.
DH has said some terrible things to her. No matter how mad I got at my kids, I wouldn't tell them that I didn't love them or that I wanted them to go live in a foster home. I have never even said for them to go live w/ their dad. The one time I heard (from him) that my DS was unhappy and he told his dad he wanted to move in w/ him, I found out what the problem was so we could work on it.
I must sound like I really hate my DSD. I don't. I actually feel sorry for her some times and if I think her dad is getting to be too much, I will try to get him to back off. The relationship (of lack of) between them is really causing me a lot of extra stress right now. It's also causing him a lot of stress which he doesn't need due to his medical problems. I feel like I really don't understand her either. He has been very generous w/ letting her drive his car basically all weekend and letting her drop him off at work so she can take his car to babysitting. I probably would have said that it wasn't a realistic job because it was too far away and that she could easily get a job working close to home. There were plenty of help wanted signs around. I don't think that what he was asking was really unreasonable--i.e., don't use the phone after 11:00 p.m. Who does she have to call that late that she can't call earlier? So to me, she could have avoided all this latest drama just by obeying one simple thing. It's like, does she want to want to get in trouble for some reason? I know kids aren't always going to do what they are told but if it's something relatively painless and it would make your life that much more enjoyable at home, why not just go along?
Of course, DH did much worse when he was a teenager, so maybe she's trying to copy him. He had an abusive father (physically & emotionally) and he didn't care at all what he said. DH would just do what he wanted and he didn't care about taking the consequences. It got to the point that his parents just couldn't control him. He was spending every weekend away from home when he was underage, having a relationship w/ an older woman. I'm sure his parents didn't even know where he was, but unless they wanted to call the police every weekend, there wasn't much they could do. I think it was easier for them to have him out of the house. Maybe she figures if she's a lot of trouble, he'll send her away. The only trouble is that he said ok and then grandma said she couldn't live there, so that kind of leaves DSD in a bind. When I wanted to get away from my dad (not abusive to me, but kind of depressed and bad tempered), I just figured I wouldn't apply to any college where I had to live at home.
Could DSD WANT to be getting in trouble?
Dear Rose:
I happened to have an appt. w/ my therapist last night and discussed what has been going on w/ her. She agreed that DH has no insight into how his behavior affects his DD. She recommended a book which was written by a local person, so it is possible we could have a consultation w/ her also. The title of the book is something like Redirecting Children's Behavior, but my T basically said that it shows WHY the child is acting a certain way. I was surprised that when I came home and mentioned this to my DH, that he immediately called the bookstore and ordered it, maybe because he doesn't realize that maybe his behavior has to change to get his child's to change. I think it summarizes that there are certain reasons why a child will act a certain way and, if I can remember, it's either attention, power, avoidance or revenge.
Now I don't think that DSD is just seeking attention. One positive thing about DH is that he will praise her for any positive accomplishments, like the fact that she got 100 on a test yesterday (which confims that there is no reason she should be failing in school if she put any effort into her work). I told him that I thought some of it might be power or revenge, like you can't tell me what to do kind of thing. Avoidance might be like the time she damaged the car and insisted that she didn't know what happened, that someone must have come by and damaged it while she was sleeping and now she says it's more like she was turning into her friend's driveway and hit the tires. I'm sure we will never know the whole story. Maybe if he reads this, he will get some point of how to be a better parent. I told my T that while I'm on message boards, talking to my friends who have kids and reading about childhood behavior, that doesn't seem like something DH is doing.
It's very rare that DH & DSD ever do anything together. At least it was nice when he was teaching her how to drive. Unbelievably, he was very patient when he was doing that and not yelling. It might be a simple thing, but it was some time they could spend together. He complains that the only time she talks to him or is nice to him is when she wants to borrow the car or wants money. We used to do more things as a family when the kids were younger and DSD and DS got along better (which was up to the end of last summer). Sometimes he would insist that we drag the kids to things they didn't want to go to, they would be all mopey, which would get him irritated, noone would have a good time and then I would say why are we spending money on doing things that noone wants to do anyway? If you want to do things w/ the kids, you have to do what they want to do, which is more like going to minigolf or an arcade. But now that DSD is 17 and can drive, she doesn't want to be seen w/ dad anymore. Sometimes he'll ask if she wants to go to a movie or do something w/ us on the weekend when my kids are at their dad's and she'll always say no. I think it would be very sad if they just spent the next year until she turns 18 just tolerating each other or worse.
I told the T that her grandmother had said just stick it out til you turn 18 and we both said then what does her grandmother expect her to do then? Unless she says that DSd can move there when she's 18 cause grandma won't feel as responsible, but it's not like 18 yr. olds are suddenly all adult. Where we live housing is very expensive. If she has a minimum wage job, she could hardly afford to support herself. If she lived at home, not only would there be no rent, but we would help her pay for college.
Well, that's great news. I'm so happy for you that you've found a T you can speak openly with and trust.
You mentioned how when the kids were little you did more family oriented activities and spent more time together as a family. That's because when they are little like that, we basically dictate how they spend their time! Hah - try doing that now. As much as I joke about how how difficult it is to control their time as mini-adults and older teens, to a certain extent we really do need to carve out some time for the older kiddos. They need us more than ever during these years - just as they need to navigate their way to adulthood, they still need the foundation of their family time.
I have a friend who has Family Day Sundays. They have five kids ranging in ages 12-22. Obviously the 22 year old is off and on her own, but the rest of the kids live at home and with such age differences, the parents need to get creative. They joined a local rec center on a lake. They can go as a family, but the park/center offers so many activities that no one ever gets bored. There are boat rentals, lounging on the beach, playing basketball or volleyball, picnicking, hiking, even fishing in some parts. There is a ton of things to do. They don't go every Sunday, but they've made Sundays family day and it is most of the time. There will always be some scheduling conflict which prevent it from always being a reserved day, but similar to Wednesday Movie nights, it's the carving out of time spent solely for family that is important.
In the summer months, we eat a lot of ice cream, so often we'll ride down to the farm with dd and her bff and get some ice cream, watch the cows chew their cud, chat and laugh. It is only an hour here and there, but it's a pleasant memory for all of us. If you can replace all the unpleasant memories with a few pleasant memories I know it will help. It may seem forced at first, but after a while it become normal. DD17 loves to play tennis, yet whenever H asks her to go play she says no. He's been trying to figure out a way to get her to go, so finally he asked her when her bff was over and the three of them went to hit balls around while I walked the dogs nearby. It was a nice time. When H was healing me teach dd to drive, it was horrible, but then dd realized that she liked H's method better than mine. I had to put my hurt pride in my back pocket and let him take over. My dd would love to tell everyone that she and H do not get along, but in fact, I know that they are closer than she realizes. I used to love listening to them chat it up early mornings before school - H would drive her to her bus stop downtown. They had lots of great conversations and laughs during the ride. I think dd will remember that one day, maybe not now because she's just miserable with herself, but one day she will cherish their time spent together.
I hope your H realizes the value of creating positive moments with his dd and learns to parent her in a manner that's suitable for everyone. Hugs and best of luck.
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