So DD seems to have her 1st BF
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So DD seems to have her 1st BF
| Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:49pm |
She will be 14 next month, and start High School, in September. She hasn't started menstruating. I think its time for the "intercourse" talk. I know that she knows, I mean all the stuff that is out there, friends, internet, tv. But I know that I need to talk to her about it.
Can I have some suggestions that have worked for you guys? How to put it so it doesnt scare her, yet so it doesnt entice her. Basically to make her understand it clearly.
Thanks in advance.

Well, I got fortunate in that when I was about ready to give DD that talk some show came on talking about teen girls and sexual pressure, etc.
I think 14 is a little late for nuts and bolts sex ed
I would focus more on relationships and boyfriends. What he might expect-what she would be comfortable with. This would be a good time to talk about YOUR expectations-is she going to be allowed to date one on one? School nights? Can they go everywhere? How will they get there?
I think you should look at it as the first comversation of many and make it clear you are open to questions
I have spoken to my daughter about sex many times mainly because she has asked and she developed very early. One thing I have stressed is that the act itself involves so much more than it may seem. I had my daughter when I was 19 and her dad was 18, we never married, never even lived together. I've always felt like I needed to be very straight with her on the topic. I have talked to her (and many of her friends) about birth control. But I have also talked to her about how avoiding pregnancy is only one of the many factors involved. I have also covered the emotions involved, STDs (although probably not as much as I should have), and how a person's reputation and self esteem can be damaged by having sex. I have also talked to her about oral sex, because it seems to be such a big thing for teens these days. I may sound crazy, but I told her it is something you do when you really love someone, because it really is a giving thing and it shouldn't be taken lightly. Whenever I want to bring something up, I mention that I saw it on tv or read an article about it and go from there. I told her about something I saw or read about teenage girls giving oral to boys in the school bathrooms and how those girls were getting nothing out of it and have only hurt themselves. (Not to say it's ok if they got something from it!)
One of her 15 year old friends just found out she is pregnant. That really freaked my daughter out. We've spent some serious time talking about how crazy it is that such a small period of time in your life can alter your life and everyone else's around you. Nobody thinks it will happen to them. Uh, except maybe those of us it did happen to!
So of course, talk to her about what your expectations are and what your thoughts on sex are, I have told my daughter I would lik eher to wait until marriage or at least until she is an adult and out of the house and then she can decide for herself. I know this is not exactly what most parents say, but it makes sense to me. Bring up the emotional, self esteem and reputation issues, as well as birth control and STDs.
I personally have addressed some of the specific things boy say (but it feels better without a condom or come on, I really need to have sex, it hurts), and encouraged her to respond with comments like, and that's how I was conceived or no, I don't want to be a parent yet.
We did talk about how she may not feel comfortable talking to me about specific things (like getting birth control) and I encouraged her to think of an adult she trusts if needed. I reminded her to do whatever she needs to in the end to protect herself.
Hopefully some of that is helpful (and didn't offend!)
Be very straight forward and honest about it. You want this to be a forum where you and your dh can speak with her about questions and concerns without any uncomfortable feelings.
We had the talk with our son when he was 8, kept it a simple sperm and egg conversation. At nine he asked how the sperm got to the egg and we ended up moving onto the intercourse discussion. At 12 he comes to both his father and I with questions (this year it's mostly about crude comments that he hears other kids making and some moral issues he has with explotation that's in the media (comic books, movies etc...).
I believe that the most important thing you can do, no matter what information you give her is to help her feel comfortable talking with both of you. Don't lecture, you want this to be an information session where she is free to ask all the questions she wants.
stacy
i just wanted to add, that you should never 'assume' that kids know everything, just because the information is all 'out there'. many times kids have the wrong informatin, and they pass this information on to each other. i worked with teens and their misinformation was astonishing.
so first - even though tshe may know everything, sit down and have 'the basic' talk, you might also want to get her a book. then you can talk about peer pressure, and feelings, talk about how things are very distorted in movies and tv (i don't mean just porn, i mean that in the tv shows things are just so simple).
remember that the most importatn thing is to keep lines of communications open so that she can always come to you with a problem
I agree with the others. Sex ed within families is an ongoing process. Talks can last from 30 seconds to hours. Hopefully, you've already had some talks but if you haven't, please start with the basics - she has to learn the mechanics and as someone else said, don't assume she already knows them.
If her relationship with her b/f is still pretty casual, I would leave it at that at this point and watch for opportunities to discuss the rest. The TV show 7th Heaven used to present the best opportunities for discussion. I would probably stick with dating issues at this point.
Later on, the discussions should become more about consequences - both physical and emotional. Schools do a pretty decent job with the physical so I tend to just remind my DD of them and then focus on the emotional. I would also like to add that if your family has specific religious beliefs please be sure to include those. I had sex when I was 15 and my biggest thing was reconciling my faith to what I was doing. It was a huge struggle for me. I have also focused on the consequences to the current relationship and future relationships.
I have tried to make available a variety of resources for DD. DD and I have e-mailed back and forth. She was too shy to ask for for birth control face to face so she sent me an e-mail. In addition, I encouraged our youth program at church to do special lessons for senior high students (with parental permission) on this and other timely topics (binge drinking, date rape, etc.). Our hospital has a program called Straight Talk for Girls/Guys. I have a friend that took his son to this and he said it gave them a wonderful starting point. I wish I had taken DD.
Good Luck!!