So frustrated I could cry
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So frustrated I could cry
| Sun, 07-15-2007 - 11:31pm |
Please allow me to vent. My 18 y.o. DD (whom I have posted about several times here recently)had her wisdom teeth out a week ago. All four of them. And yes, it's been a rough week, and she still is feeling a bit sore, etc. Tonight, her boyfriend comes over and she wanted him to just hang out here with her. She was tense, and not real cheerful because her mouth hurt. DH was hanging out on the sofa and was extremely tired since he had worked in the yard all day in weather in the 90s. The boyfriend kind of picked up on DD's tenseness, and DH's exhaustion. I don't think he felt comfortable being here because of all this tension. He wanted to go over to his best friend's house, and DD was invited too. DD went, but she ended up driving herself because her boyfriend was a bit put out with her attitude. Maybe not a nice thing for him to do, but I kind of understand where he was coming from. Anyway, she's been texting me for the last 15 minutes telling me how she hates being over there, and how her boyfriend doesn't really want to be with her, he'd rather be with his buddy. DD has a tendency to be very negative at times, and tonight being tired and having a very sore mouth, that's the way she is being. DD and her boyfriend will be going off to college in 5 weeks...he to military school, her to a college about 2 hours away. I KNOW she wants to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves, and I KNOW she wants to remain friendly with him once he is gone. It just makes me NUTS when she gets in these negative moods. She can't see the forest for the trees. She truly does not seem to understand how she makes the situation worse for herself with her poor attitude. Her boyfriend is a very, very nice guy.....very good looking, and fun to be with. He wants to have fun this summer before he goes to this very strict school he'll be attending. She doesn't seem to get it that when she is grumpy and negative, the last thing he wants to do is hang out with her. If she would just be happy, smile, and be fun to be with, she'd end up having a much better evening herself!! AND, the boyfriend will be more inclined to spend his spare time with her. How do you get this across to a teenaged girl!!?? I'm so frustrated. --Nancy

Ramona Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!
Nancy-I too have posted on here many, many times about my 18 year old daughter..you would think she was an only child HA HA! But I know EXACTLY where you're coming from.
A few months ago, when my daughter had her wisdom teeth out, her then boyfriend of over a year, didn't even call nor stop over to see her the day she had her teeth out...couldn't deal with her mood? I don't know but that's another story in itself.
Your daughter and her moods are a mirror image of my daughter. My daughter, when she was with her boyfriend at different functions, would spend half the night texting me or calling me to complain about one thing or another right in front of him many times.
Then, I think, I figured it out. She's saying so much in just those text messages...she's uncomfortable, unhappy with the way he's treating her...and I wouldn't (like I did too) blame it all on her.
Do you hear yourself (just like I did) when you speak of her boyfriend? "He's good looking, fun to be with...." I used to do the same thing to my daughter...yell at her to "snap out of it" and be the type of girlfriend he WANTS to be with and stop complaining all the time. Then I realized...she does what she does because of the way HE makes her feel..she's not happy WITH him..and it's not entirely her fault...just watch them together and read "into" what she's trying to say. My daughter's exboyfriend, at the end, never put her or her feelings first..and she sensed that all too clearly.
He would come over...but bolt out of here only to hang out with his friends..
it was as if he was coming over but only half of his was into it.
Has your daughter dated before or had any other serious boyfriends? Is this guy into her as much as you say she's into him? She's wearing her heart on her sleeve, so to speak, and saying so much without even speaking. I've seen my daughter with other guys; she CAN be the best girlfriend in the world...if that's the way she's made to feel..happy, easy-going, just a joy to be around.
Let me know how it's going...right now MY daughter rid herself of the exboyfriend when he started standing her up on dates after over a year of dating but is back to dating an ex that just wants to be "friends"...after they used to date for a year...which will probably never work...another story.
Keep your chin up and REALLY talk to her..find out what's really going on.
You just say it. And hope she hears you and understands what you're saying. Otherwise, she has to figure it out for herself and learn from this experience.
When my now 19dd was in her senior year, she and her bf hung out constantly and they were moody with one another often towards the end. Because dd was going to college, they tried to be with one another all the freakin time and after a while...they get sick of each other. They still loved each other, but they were always nitpicking. I had a couple fo discussions with dd about spending TOO much time together and always being conncected via cell or text and that's not a healthy thing for any couple. Each party needs time with their friends or alone. DD agreed yet she didn't know how to take the time to herself or allow her bf the time to himself without feeling like they were mad at each other...ugh. Eventually, dd just figured it out and started putting him off once in a while and then the time they spent together was more enjoyable. **However, I will add that dd's bf was so convinced that when she went away to college that he would lose her he did the unthinkable (for dd anyway). He was with another girl and they inevitably broke up just after she went to college. It was heartbreaking, but I think it was just one of those things. They didn't know how to balance things out in their relationship.
At 18, IMO, they are too young to be in situations like this I feel. They DO need to time to be free and hang with friends, etc., and being in a steady relationship is just too demanding. But when I tell my dds' to 'date' they tell me that no one does that anymore!!
Hi kja, Thank you for your long response. It's good to know that I am not the only mom going through this frustration.
DD has been dating her boyfriend for a year and a half. For the first year, everything was wonderful....and really up until about 2 months ago, everything was quite good. He has been very good to her, and is usually quite considerate. I think a key thing with their relationship happened when he found out he hadn't gotten into any of the colleges he really wanted to go to, including the one DD is going to attend. It seemed after that, that he started to distance himself from her. Subtly at first, and then right around graduation he seemed very distant. He then went to beach week (she did not) and lived it up. Probably a little more than he should have, if you get my drift. When he got back, they had a pretty frank discussion and he revealed a couple of things. He needs to have time to have fun and live it up. He's going to military school in a month. And, it drives him crazy thinking of her at college with limitless (in his mind anyway)possibilities for her to meet and be with other guys. So, bottom line is....he's struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions, and so is she. The day she had her wisdom teeth out, he sat with her for a couple of hours, twice that day. He was so considerate and concerned about her, and I must admit, I was touched. To make this situation even more difficult, the girlfriends are scattering to the winds (for a variety of reasons, some of which have to do with DD)....and the few left around are working, or on vacation and not available all the time. Consequently, she has relied on her boyfriend even more for companionship.
Bottom line is that he's confused about his feelings about his life in general, and about her too. Sometimes he is really fun to be around, and sometimes he's very insensitive to her. So naturally, when he acts that way, she gets more upset...and you're right....she is probably wearing her heart on her sleeve. It seems to be a vicious cycle that neither of them knows how to get out of. He does share a good bit of the blame in all of this, but I guess what I am trying to have DD do is try hard to be really pleasant and fun to be with so that when they are together, they will have fun....and consequently have good memories to hold onto when they are both away at school.
It's frustrating. I guess it's the age, but gosh, it's so difficult to watch your child suffer. Thanks for listening, and answering. Nancy
Sure kids still "date". My girls do that all the time (18 and 20). Only my older daughter has had a serious boyfried for a year and it ran its course. They're still friends. There's so much going on in their lives that we never expected, anticipated, nor encouraged them to become serious with any one boy (we also didn't allow them to date until they were 16). It's been my experience that kids need to learn by doing or by experience. You can't really control who to date, how to date, etc. They just need to know that you're there for them and to keep the lines of communications open.
Once they're in college, perhaps their horizons will expand, they'll find that not everyone is "dating" and they'll form more friendships with the opposite sex rather than relationships.