So mad I could spit nails!

Avatar for soccermom03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
So mad I could spit nails!
7
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:29am

Tonight DD15 went out for the evening with her bff, a friend of bff from out of town (all 3 girls are 15) and 3 boys who are good friends, all are 18. I know, the age difference thing could be troubling, but this is just a platonic friendship, plus the out of town friend used to live here and grew up with 2 of the boys and their families are good friends. I was perfectly comfortable with DD being out with this group.

They went down to our county fair to walk around but got bored. They came back to our side of town, grabbed something to eat and went over to the elementary school playground across the street from our subdivision. They were sitting on a bench (and on the ground, lol) talking and one of the boys had his guitar and was playing it (he's never without it). The police showed up at after they had been there a half hour or so(about 11:10), yelled at the kids, and sent the boys on their way. They kept the girls there, and I was called by someone at the police station and told I needed to pick my DD up within 5 minutes or she would be taken to the juvenile facility. Needless to say I pulled some shoes on and ran out the door to get her. When I got there, an officer motioned to my DD to stay where she was and he approached me. I told him I didn't realize the playground was off limits after dark and was sure DD didn't know it either (heck, I work for the school corp and didn't know that). He proceeded to ream me out, called me a bad parent and accused me of neglect. He "just couldn't believe any decent parent would allow a 15 y/o girl out with a grown man" (this one is a very sweet, rather backward just-turned 18 year old that is a *great* kid), but then again he "shouldn't be surprised given that you (I) didn't even know the city curfew was 11 pm or that she was out trespassing on public property". He proceeded to then make a big show of telling DD that if her parents weren't capable of raising her right then he sure would. He started talking about some 20 year old girl who was raped last night, etc, asking DD if she wanted to be next, ranting about how she could have charges pressed against her by the school corp for being on their property, etc.

Okay- my bad for not knowing the city curfew (11 pm- is this not a little silly, especially over the summer), and obviously they shouldn't have been at the school, but they weren't doing anything wrong there- not drinking or using drugs, not vandalizing, not being loud or disruptive. They were just there. I wanted so badly to cut loose on this jerk officer when he questioned my parenting skills- who is he to decide who MY DD can or cannot spend an evening with? If they were caught making out or in a compromising position, okay, but when they arrived, DD tells me she and her "date" were a good 6 feet apart, and he had a guitar in his lap. He definitely crossed a line and said some very offensive and inappropriate things to both my DD and I. I agree that the kids should have been sent on their way, and will even agree that it was appropriate to have me come and pick DD up since it was after curfew, but I am livid as to how my DD and I were spoken to. I was really afraid to speak up for myself, as he kept repeating how he could "haul her into juvie and keep her all night if he wanted to". I didn't want to make things worse so I kept my mouth shut- almost bit through my tongue to do so.

A big part of me wants to write a scathing letter to his superior, though...........GRRRR!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 1:19am


I agree. That policeman was totally out of line. Does your police force have a complaint
office? I would call and make a formal complaint as to the inappropriateness of the language. Take a day or two to calm down (perhaps call a lawyer for advice) and then compose a letter of complaint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 7:35am

I agree that you can and should contact the "Community Liaison" or Complaint officer. In NYC, those officers hear all concerns and the city tracks them (as do community groups). If you're worried about repercussions (I don't know how small your town is), there's probably a way to call in anonymously.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:07am

Just curious about the age group of the police officer? I really can't even guess if he was old and steeped in misconceptions or too young to have a clue about parenting!

I'm with you-they should have been sent on their way or yes, maybe even had the young ones picked up to make a point that curfew is for real-period.

Anything past that is absurd!

Seriously, the comment that HE would raise your dd 'right' in the same breath he is upset about her being with 'grown men' of 18 is just plain creepy to me.

I would report the incident unless, as someone mentioned, you had legitimate fear of repercussions.

His actions could be justified(neighbors might have called it in -this might be an ongoing thing at that park, just not with your kid) His words were inexcusable

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:26am
The way the officer reprimanded both you and your DD was uncalled for. It's too bad how some people let their egos control their brains and hearts. When I encounter those people, I just thank God that I'M not like that. So tell yourself:"I'm OK, he is not!"

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:32am

IMO, you have every right to be upset, this guy was well past his professional boundaries in how he spoke to you and DD.

Avatar for soccermom03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:12am

I'd say this officer was mid-20's max. He just had this "I'm a bada@@" attitude and was obviously trying to intimidate the girls and me. DD told me this morning that both her bff and friend from out of town were in tears, but DD was furious. He kept telling them "those guys were only out for one thing, if he hadn't come along chances are they would have been raped" which couldn't have been farther from the truth. Our town is in the midst of a police scandal in which a well-known 20 year veteran officer, who had been a school liason officer no less, has been charged for child molestation for having an ongoing relationship with a teen. DD knows the officer involved from school, and after the rape comment told the officer "I'll take my chances with "B"- apparently it's the child molesting cops girls my age need to look out for". I'm sure that inflamed the situation, but it was after all his comments about us being stupid and neglectful parents and her being allowed to "just run the streets looking for trouble".

I am going to take a day and cool off- I am still just livid- and find out how to report this jerk. We don't live in a big city by any stretch- our pop. is maybe 70,000- so I'm not really concerned about retribution per se. I didn't want to pour any gas on the fire last night, but I'm not worried about that today. It is officers like him that give our police dept a black eye and I think they need to know about it. One of my good friends is married to a high ranking detective in the department and at the very least I will mention it to him and see what he thinks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:11pm

I think it's great that you have a friend on the police force. Maybe he could at least talk to this younger guy about going overboard on how he relates to people. I remember when we had the DARE program in 6th grade. The kids all really liked the police officer, who would get to know them, and there were a lot of kids. I remember going up to him and introducing myself and saying whose mother I was and (this was a while ago), he said oh yes, your DD is the one who loves NSYNC. I'm sure years later, all the kids look at him fondly. This is the way to build community relations. Now this group of kids had a bad encounter w/ the police force that is going to give them a negative image of police. I really hate it when people abuse their power.

I suppose kids who are used to "hanging out" don't think about the fact that they may be trespassing if they aren't doing anything wrong. I know that in our town, they are building new train tracks but they aren't in operation yet. A couple of 18 yr olds got arrested for trespassing because they were walking along the train tracks, just minding their own business, not causing any trouble. I thought that was ridiculous. The police officer could have just reminded them not to walk on the tracks and sent them home. Then there was something in the paper about how they will be testing the trains soon, so it would be dangerous to walk near the tracks. I guess they were using them as an example.

Oh and since this guy was in his 20's, I'm sure he has had a lot of experience raising teenagers, right?