So Outraged!!!
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| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:39pm |
So today my going on 12 year old son comes home and tells me his teacher asked him if he was being abused at home!!!!
So, going back to the beginning, my son is a very serious, introverted child prone to strong emotions and periods of brooding. He also prefers solitary time and activities and isn't much of outward joiner. He's also been not feeling well lately as he has severe allergies to pollen and the change in season is really hitting him hard.
So his teacher pulls him aside, saying she's noticed he's acting differently and then asking him if "everything is okay...are there problems with friends at school....are there problems at home....is he being abused..."!!!! He replied that no, everything was fine and then apparently (according to him) she was okay with his answer.
But I am just so outraged! I am not only strongly offended at the implication that we are harming our own child but also very upset that a teacher would single my son out for being "different" and implying that his behaviour is abnormal and must be due to something "wrong" in his life. He said that afterwards he felt guilty like he had let us (his dad and I) down. Probably he's thinking there is something wrong with him.
OMG I just want to flatten this teacher. Do they expect every child to behave the same way in their classes? Do they not consider differences in temper or mood or even, hello, the onset of PUBERTY!!! He's going on 12 dammit and kids that age go through alot of crap emotion-wise. Just because he is a bit quieter and introspective than others doesn't make him weird.
I told him I wanted to meet with her but he begged me not to open up the issue any further because he said it really wasn't a big deal and she was just looking out for him and that she seemed okay after a brief conversation.
I had a similar incident with my dd when she was younger when a teacher, seeing my dd as quite slim and knowing she is a dancer, implied my dd might be anorexic. The teachers may be well-intentioned but they are grossly uninformed. They get some coaching on how to spot problem children and then overdiagnose the issue. And then they plant concern and fear into the kids who start to think maybe something is wrong with them...
ARRGGHHH I could just scream.

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I understand what you are saying. I understand both the resentment at being 'implicated' and the frustration with shyness and introversion now being seen as pathology.
Yet....she is a mandated reporter; this is part of her job. She could be held liable if indeed something was going on with your son.
I actually had written in the thread about the "19 Minutes" book that I am going to ask for someone to check in with DS3 as part of his IEP next week to make sure nothing is happening to him at school. He is the type of kid who could so easily be bullied and I rather like the idea of someone looking out for him. And the conversation could easily jump to "how are things at home?" I hadnt thought of that until your post but I'm willing to accept that part
IMHO....cut her some slack!
He IS the type of kid who is likely to be picked on-bless her for recognizing that and caring
When DD was in kindergarten, she collided head-on with her brother rounding a corner and wearing sunglasses. She got a monster black eye and DS had a huge goose egg on his forehead. When she went to school, she was called into the principals' office to talk about it.
If this is the same teacher your son has had all year, she is mostly likely already familiar with his serious and introverted disposition and if he was even more so than usual, I think it is admirable that she noticed enough to ask him if he was okay. I don't think that coming straight out and asking him if he is being abused at home was appropriate. As my DD was all those years ago, she would have been better served referring him to the principal or school counselor.
It is extremely unfortunate that the world we live in is such that the bumps and bruises of childhood and the moods of puberty stricken pre-teens garners such attention, suspicion and speculation. It is also unfortunate that the people hired to educate our children must also be on the lookout for indications of child abuse.
While I can certainly understand your feelings of outrage, please understand that your DS' teacher was actually doing what she felt was the right and correct thing to do. She probably didn't approach it the best way possible, but I think her intentions were good.
As the parent of a somewhat introverted DS17, I, too, think this teacher overstepped her bounds in asking if the student was being abused. That is just going too far. I've had students I tutor tell me that their parents hit them, but I would never dream of asking a child if his parents abuse him without first talking to the parents about their methods of discipline.
When DS was suspended last year and got quite depressed, the athletic director said, "Oh, he feels bad cuz he let his parents down, and he feels he's not as good as his big brother." My gosh! What does HE know? After the initial shock when, both DH and I were quite angry for 1/2 day, or so, we knew we had to comfort him. DS knew very well how much we love him and that we hadn't been perfect as teens, either. He knew we'd forgiven him, even though he'd have to earn back our trust in him. It was the way the school punished and ostracized him, only to set an example for the other students (the principal is adamant that out-of-school suspension is required for that, even tho kids were drinkng 3 weeks after the suspension), that caused his depression. And not until he was again allowed to park on campus, three months later, did I see that he felt whole again.
The problem with many teachers and administrators is that they do not carefully consider an individual student's personality, mindset, emotional state before opening their mouths. And do you think one could ever tell the student, "I'm sorry"?
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
^^^"The problem with many teachers and administrators is that they do not carefully consider an individual student's personality, mindset, emotional state before opening their mouths." --- BINGO!!! That is exactly my complaint. Not that a teacher is looking out for a kid and implicating me in something very horrifying to me but that having been his teacher since September for goodness sakes, she must consider his personality overall before talking to him on such a sensitive topic.
She shocked him with the question and he has been stewing about it all evening. Is that fair to the kid??? Why should he be made to feel embarrassed and, again, singled out because he is an introverted kid?
And now because I want him to get past this I can't even say anything to her about it because he said it would humiliate him.
Rose
That teacher needed to think a little before she blurted that out to your son. The word abuse alone puts fear in children. And how many times do you hear that children can hear things and start to think that maybe it is happening. Please, I am not saying it is, but you know what I mean.
My dd is 19 and is really tiny about 4'11" and only around 91 lbs. She has been tiny all her life. Runs in my dh family. And yes, she has had teachers concerned, especially in high school, that she was anorexic. One that was funny her senior year. The class followed dd lunch period and the teacher told her not to hurry, to finish her lunch!! But non ever came straight out and asked. One in particular, and this is funny, is her b/f mother who she had as a teacher in high school. She is constantly worried about her being thin. When she has dinner with them, she is always making sure there is something my dd will eat so she will eat.
I guess as teachers they are just geared to look for all these things, but a little tact, please.
Andie
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