So Outraged!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
So Outraged!!!
20
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:39pm

So today my going on 12 year old son comes home and tells me his teacher asked him if he was being abused at home!!!!

So, going back to the beginning, my son is a very serious, introverted child prone to strong emotions and periods of brooding. He also prefers solitary time and activities and isn't much of outward joiner. He's also been not feeling well lately as he has severe allergies to pollen and the change in season is really hitting him hard.

So his teacher pulls him aside, saying she's noticed he's acting differently and then asking him if "everything is okay...are there problems with friends at school....are there problems at home....is he being abused..."!!!! He replied that no, everything was fine and then apparently (according to him) she was okay with his answer.

But I am just so outraged! I am not only strongly offended at the implication that we are harming our own child but also very upset that a teacher would single my son out for being "different" and implying that his behaviour is abnormal and must be due to something "wrong" in his life. He said that afterwards he felt guilty like he had let us (his dad and I) down. Probably he's thinking there is something wrong with him.

OMG I just want to flatten this teacher. Do they expect every child to behave the same way in their classes? Do they not consider differences in temper or mood or even, hello, the onset of PUBERTY!!! He's going on 12 dammit and kids that age go through alot of crap emotion-wise. Just because he is a bit quieter and introspective than others doesn't make him weird.

I told him I wanted to meet with her but he begged me not to open up the issue any further because he said it really wasn't a big deal and she was just looking out for him and that she seemed okay after a brief conversation.

I had a similar incident with my dd when she was younger when a teacher, seeing my dd as quite slim and knowing she is a dancer, implied my dd might be anorexic. The teachers may be well-intentioned but they are grossly uninformed. They get some coaching on how to spot problem children and then overdiagnose the issue. And then they plant concern and fear into the kids who start to think maybe something is wrong with them...

ARRGGHHH I could just scream.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:08pm
For what it's worth, I think the teacher overstepped her bounds. If she really had concerns, she should have spoken to the school counselor or social worker so they could look into it in a more thoughtful and professional manner. I don't blame you for being upset!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:28pm

I understand what you are saying. I understand both the resentment at being 'implicated' and the frustration with shyness and introversion now being seen as pathology.

Yet....she is a mandated reporter; this is part of her job. She could be held liable if indeed something was going on with your son.

I actually had written in the thread about the "19 Minutes" book that I am going to ask for someone to check in with DS3 as part of his IEP next week to make sure nothing is happening to him at school. He is the type of kid who could so easily be bullied and I rather like the idea of someone looking out for him. And the conversation could easily jump to "how are things at home?" I hadnt thought of that until your post but I'm willing to accept that part

IMHO....cut her some slack!

He IS the type of kid who is likely to be picked on-bless her for recognizing that and caring

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:09pm
I know the teacher is a mandated reporter if she has reason to suspect there is abuse. But I think it's different to come out and ask a kid if they're being abused just because they're acting quiet in class...that just seems like quite a leap to me if that's all there is to it. As a teacher, I wouldn't take on that conversation myself. I'd refer them to the guidance office. I think it's good that the teacher is observant and is trying to figure out what, if anything, is wrong. There's just a big difference between asking "how are things at home" vs. asking "are you being abused."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:17pm
According to my son she has seen incidents of abuse in students previously in her career. So I presume this makes her ultrasensitive to potential issues. I get that she was looking out for his best interests but I would hope there would be some type of protocol ie maybe calling ME and asking me if I think he's acting differently and why???? Then if she didn't get a satisfactory answer she could dig further. I dunno I just find it upset him a great deal and has him second guessing himself. I told him not to be ashamed of his feelings and that he's never done anything to let me or his dad down...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:24pm

When DD was in kindergarten, she collided head-on with her brother rounding a corner and wearing sunglasses. She got a monster black eye and DS had a huge goose egg on his forehead. When she went to school, she was called into the principals' office to talk about it.

If this is the same teacher your son has had all year, she is mostly likely already familiar with his serious and introverted disposition and if he was even more so than usual, I think it is admirable that she noticed enough to ask him if he was okay. I don't think that coming straight out and asking him if he is being abused at home was appropriate. As my DD was all those years ago, she would have been better served referring him to the principal or school counselor.

It is extremely unfortunate that the world we live in is such that the bumps and bruises of childhood and the moods of puberty stricken pre-teens garners such attention, suspicion and speculation. It is also unfortunate that the people hired to educate our children must also be on the lookout for indications of child abuse.

While I can certainly understand your feelings of outrage, please understand that your DS' teacher was actually doing what she felt was the right and correct thing to do. She probably didn't approach it the best way possible, but I think her intentions were good.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: diamondslb
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:30pm

As the parent of a somewhat introverted DS17, I, too, think this teacher overstepped her bounds in asking if the student was being abused. That is just going too far. I've had students I tutor tell me that their parents hit them, but I would never dream of asking a child if his parents abuse him without first talking to the parents about their methods of discipline.

When DS was suspended last year and got quite depressed, the athletic director said, "Oh, he feels bad cuz he let his parents down, and he feels he's not as good as his big brother." My gosh! What does HE know? After the initial shock when, both DH and I were quite angry for 1/2 day, or so, we knew we had to comfort him. DS knew very well how much we love him and that we hadn't been perfect as teens, either. He knew we'd forgiven him, even though he'd have to earn back our trust in him. It was the way the school punished and ostracized him, only to set an example for the other students (the principal is adamant that out-of-school suspension is required for that, even tho kids were drinkng 3 weeks after the suspension), that caused his depression. And not until he was again allowed to park on campus, three months later, did I see that he felt whole again.

The problem with many teachers and administrators is that they do not carefully consider an individual student's personality, mindset, emotional state before opening their mouths. And do you think one could ever tell the student, "I'm sorry"?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:10am

^^^"The problem with many teachers and administrators is that they do not carefully consider an individual student's personality, mindset, emotional state before opening their mouths." --- BINGO!!! That is exactly my complaint. Not that a teacher is looking out for a kid and implicating me in something very horrifying to me but that having been his teacher since September for goodness sakes, she must consider his personality overall before talking to him on such a sensitive topic.

She shocked him with the question and he has been stewing about it all evening. Is that fair to the kid??? Why should he be made to feel embarrassed and, again, singled out because he is an introverted kid?

And now because I want him to get past this I can't even say anything to her about it because he said it would humiliate him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: diamondslb
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 7:47am
I understand that you're upset that the teacher didn't come to you first on the whole abuse thing BUT.... if your DS really were one of those kids who were being abused at home, that action on her part would likely lead to further abuse for him. Using the word abused was probably a bad choice of words on her part, but she's probably seen enough in her career that a change in a kid's personality or behavior makes her wonder what's going on with him. You say she's had him in class since September, when she said she said he was acting "different" it's very likely that she noticed he was acting different from his usual behavior. I'm not a teacher, but I am in one of the "helping human service" professions, with a caseload of 65 that I see almost every day, and when someone is acting differently than they usually do for a couple of days in a row my radar goes up and makes me wonder what is happening with them. I'm sure the teacher meant well, even if her methods weren't the best in the world.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: diamondslb
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:22am

That teacher needed to think a little before she blurted that out to your son. The word abuse alone puts fear in children. And how many times do you hear that children can hear things and start to think that maybe it is happening. Please, I am not saying it is, but you know what I mean.

My dd is 19 and is really tiny about 4'11" and only around 91 lbs. She has been tiny all her life. Runs in my dh family. And yes, she has had teachers concerned, especially in high school, that she was anorexic. One that was funny her senior year. The class followed dd lunch period and the teacher told her not to hurry, to finish her lunch!! But non ever came straight out and asked. One in particular, and this is funny, is her b/f mother who she had as a teacher in high school. She is constantly worried about her being thin. When she has dinner with them, she is always making sure there is something my dd will eat so she will eat.

I guess as teachers they are just geared to look for all these things, but a little tact, please.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: diamondslb
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:23pm
On further reflection, I think it might be worth talking to the teacher before making any assumptions. I know that a lot of times what kids think the teacher said and what the teacher actually said are two different things. I'd approach it from the point of view that you just want to figure out exactly what happened.

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