So Outraged!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
So Outraged!!!
20
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:39pm

So today my going on 12 year old son comes home and tells me his teacher asked him if he was being abused at home!!!!

So, going back to the beginning, my son is a very serious, introverted child prone to strong emotions and periods of brooding. He also prefers solitary time and activities and isn't much of outward joiner. He's also been not feeling well lately as he has severe allergies to pollen and the change in season is really hitting him hard.

So his teacher pulls him aside, saying she's noticed he's acting differently and then asking him if "everything is okay...are there problems with friends at school....are there problems at home....is he being abused..."!!!! He replied that no, everything was fine and then apparently (according to him) she was okay with his answer.

But I am just so outraged! I am not only strongly offended at the implication that we are harming our own child but also very upset that a teacher would single my son out for being "different" and implying that his behaviour is abnormal and must be due to something "wrong" in his life. He said that afterwards he felt guilty like he had let us (his dad and I) down. Probably he's thinking there is something wrong with him.

OMG I just want to flatten this teacher. Do they expect every child to behave the same way in their classes? Do they not consider differences in temper or mood or even, hello, the onset of PUBERTY!!! He's going on 12 dammit and kids that age go through alot of crap emotion-wise. Just because he is a bit quieter and introspective than others doesn't make him weird.

I told him I wanted to meet with her but he begged me not to open up the issue any further because he said it really wasn't a big deal and she was just looking out for him and that she seemed okay after a brief conversation.

I had a similar incident with my dd when she was younger when a teacher, seeing my dd as quite slim and knowing she is a dancer, implied my dd might be anorexic. The teachers may be well-intentioned but they are grossly uninformed. They get some coaching on how to spot problem children and then overdiagnose the issue. And then they plant concern and fear into the kids who start to think maybe something is wrong with them...

ARRGGHHH I could just scream.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: diamondslb
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:31pm
That's a good idea.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: diamondslb
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 2:22pm

The mother is in Canada. There are no "guidance offices" in Middle Schools in Ontario.
The schools are not that big. So, your advice is not applicable.

In fact, the teacher acted out of concern. Better that a person he has an everyday relationship with him ask him if something is wrong than someone he sees only occassionally (like the principal here). Notice that he was asked if he was having problems with friends as well.

The teacher most likey has noticed behavioural changes in the child. And behavioural changes are a flag that something is bothering the child. Yes, kids can be moody but overly quiet and introspective behaviour,especially if the behaviour has intensified, can be an indication of a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: diamondslb
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:20pm

The schools are not that big. So, your advice is not applicable.>

Sorry I didn't know the ins and outs of the schools in Canada. I think my more recent post about getting the teacher's version of events is still applicable.

I never meant to imply that the teacher wasn't sincere in her concern for the student. I'm just empathizing with the OP that things could have been handled better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:33pm
Wow! I'm a teacher, and yes, we ARE mandated reporters. And there have been a few cases where I suspected something was wrong and reported it to the school social worker. I'd rather err on the side of caution; question something that turns out NOT to be abuse rather than risk missing genuine abuse. I won't fault the teacher on that one, other than bad judgement and poor "radar" for spotting abuse. But I'm also the mom of a formerly abused child...and there is NO WAY I'd ask any kid such a thing directly! Unless you have a rock solid relationship with the kid, they will NEVER admit such a thing, even if it is true, and it will totally spook them. My gosh, It was 6 months past termination of parental rights before my son was willing to admit that his home life was abusive, and that Child Welfare wasn't just maliciously persecuting his family!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 12:10pm

thanks everyone....I think this is just a case of a very young, and impulsive teacher. She has, overall, been a very good teacher for my son as he has done quite well this year with a mostly A's and some B's report card and he has demonstrated alot of good things in projects etc. I just think her age is a factor (she is under 30 with no kids of her own) and she hasn't had alot of experience with emotional pre-teens. Its a mixed class of 5th and 6th graders and the 12 year olds have a unique set of issues. Makes me question why a school would mix the two grades as there is a world of difference in that one year. Heck, some of the 12 year old girls are taller than me and already developing into young women while the 5th graders are still in pigtails!!!

I have calmed down about it and decided not to pursue further with the teacher given that if she was truly concerned, she would have contacted me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 12:21pm

Interesting comment about the mixing of 5th and 6th graders.

DS's school, which goes from pre-k to 8th and separates the 6-8th kids from the youngers, is now considering changing the combination so that 5th/6th and 7th/8th are the groupings.

The reasoning is that research shows greater developmental difference between 6th and 7th grade kids than between 5th and 6th grade kids.

Having seen the huge leap DS and most of his friends have made intellectually and emotionally (not just physically) in the past few years, I have to say that's probably true.

IMO, you should be glad your 6th grader is around 5th graders instead of some of the 7th graders I've seen. Wowsa!

k

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 1:34pm
Our school district separates the kids between 6th and 7th grade, and yes, by this point in the school year there is a huge difference between 5th and 6th grades, but in the beginning of the year it isn't nearly as pronounced. I too, would rather have my 6th grader grouped with 5th graders than 7th graders - some of those 7th graders look and act like they should be in high school already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:19pm
You sure? We have 'em in small town Alberta!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 4:43pm

They have split classes because

(1) Not enough kids to for a full grade 5 or a full grade 6 class. It is as simple as that.
(2) Can not have a split grade 6 & 7 classes because the curiculum are very different
and,in some schools, the school stops at grade 6

The schools have no choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 4:49pm

She is in Ontario.

Many schools in Ontario only go up to Grade 6. The kids have to move to another school for Grade 7 & 8. Some of these schools are K-8 (with many grade 7 & Grade 8 classes..feeder schools for the surrounding K-6 schools) but the two parts are "keep separate. Some are just Grade 7 & 8 schools..

A school would not have a split Grade 6 & 7 class because the structure of the curiculum is very different in Ontario between Grade 7 & Grade 6. Grade 7 & 8 is middle school. K-6 is elementary school.

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