something to think about

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
something to think about
2
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:33am
my daughter and I were having a few really bad days last week. She's 14 and while she is generally a good kid, she is also...well, 14. It takes alot to get me angry, but when I do I get really mad and usually say things that I don't mean. I always apologize and admit my wrongs...like I said, it happens very, very rarely. Anyway, my daughter and I were fighting and I told her that if she didn't like the rules in this house, she could find someplace else to live (the typical tough love approach) and that she needed to deal with reality. If you treat your boss/teacher, etc. like crap then you're going to be fired,et. That's the real world, therefor, you cannot treat me like crap. So, I'm telling her all this stuff about having to deal with the real world, get real about her life, etc. She sais...." I don't know how to deal with reality. I don't even know what reality is" Well, it just shocked me silent. Of course my 14 yr old doesn't know a thing about reality...she's never had to. I was married to her father for 3 yrs. He was a very abusive man to both she and I. She witnessed more in 3 yrs. than any little baby should. It took me about 2 yrs. after my divorce to get myself figured out. In the meantime, everyone placated her and overcompensated because of what she went through. Of course she has no idea of reality. Nobody wanted her to feel the pain and sadness.So, I was always there to take it away. I felt horrible guilt for the situation that I put her in by marrying this horrible man, so I never wanted her to feel an ounce of pain. or anger,frustration, loneliness, sadness....etc. We all did that for her. Now, what we have is a 14 yr. old who is so unable to identify with her emotions and has no ability to cope with anything. How could I have not seen what I was doing? My daughter is very immature and I now know that it is because she is hanging on to being a little girl so that she doesn't have to face what I'm assuming is a huge ball of emotions inside her. She figures if she stays little, I will continue to make those feelings go away. But, she knows she is getting older, and she knows that those feelings will always be there as long as she doesn't deal with them. Dealing with them is too much for her. So, how can I now help my baby without doing everything for her? By the way, her bio dad has not seen her since she was 2. He has had little to no contact with her. About 1 yr. ago she got a letter from his new wife informing her that she now had a new brother. New wife sent pics of them and my ex loving, hugging all over new baby. I knew it hurt her, but she acted like it was no biggie. I could see it in her eyes. I wanted to kill them. We have since demanded no contact, and they've complied. What to do? TIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:30am

"She sais...." I don't know how to deal with reality. I don't even know what reality is" "

Out of the mouths of babes? Big ((((HUGS)))) to both of you!

Mom, you did the best you could do for her. You have been strong, and protective of her when she needed it. Is there any way that your DD can go to a few counselling sessions? Might be good for the two of you to do a few together, and her some alone. Help you both deal with some of the anger and pain, learn to communicate better. Might give her some new ways to handle things. If you can't do some counselling, might be time for a few self-help books. Also, would suggest the two of you start doing some more talking, go do something fun or taking a walk while getting some feelings out in the open.

Hope your day is good!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:21pm

I totally agree with Sallie, counseling might be the biggest help if you can go.