son 14 goin on 20??
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| Mon, 02-12-2007 - 7:24am |
I need help my problem is with my son who is 14. He started going out with this girl in September and they have been on and off since then. This girl has been out with practically every boy in the school and my son says hes in love with her. I have even practically seen him in tears over this girl. She is always telling him she loves him but the next day shes with someone else. She knows the hold she has on him. I can barely take it. 14 is too young in my opinion for feelings like love and I have repeatedly asked my son not to talk to her anymore, but he goes behind my back and talks to her. He lies and says hes talking to someone else when it is her he is talking to. Now this morning I wake up and get him up for school and hes in the shower so I looked at his cell phone and there is over 100 texts back and forth with this girl including some pic texts of her COMPLETELY topless. I don't know what to do. I'm worried about his attachment to her! How can I get him to stop this relationship before it gets worse without him hating me for it?
Thanks

..on the phone thing, maybe at least stop the text messaging. DS14 is not permitted to text message, but can use his phone in limited capacity.
Sue
Perfect advice, Pam! I think I'd call the girl's mom and inform her, in case she's unaware of what her daughter is doing. (I was unaware DS17 drank alcohol, and I would have appreciated someone informing me so that we could take measures to stop that behavior before the school suspended him.)
I am shocked to learn that a girl that age (also 14?) would send a topless photo of herself. We blocked text messaging on all our cell phones cuz of the cost. I guess this is another reason to do it.
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I'm the mother of a teen dd, and I would certainly want to know if she had sent topless photos of herself to anyone - but as we've learned the hard way here, there are many other parents who would rather not know, as that makes their job *easier*.
I would deal with his failure to obey your wishes first. I would most definitely remove text messaging from his phone until I was positive it could be used in a responsible manner. I would then make him turn over his cell phone to me when he's at home and it would stay in my room at night to prevent him talking late into the night.
I also might be inclined to show the photos to her parents. I would have to give this some thought though depending on what I knew about her parents.
I have "banned" DD from all contact with an ex-b/f but it was b/c he posed a threat to her physical safety. It was made clear to her that I would check her phone. I would check the computer (get Internet monitoring software to check him IM and e-mail). I even talked to the vice-principal at her school and told him to put them both in detention if they had any contact on school property. He actually agreed with me and talked with both of them. This insured that DD didn't initiate the contact.
I don't know if I would go quite that far in your case. You might just stop with the cell phone restrictions and see what happens. Hopefully, he'll figure out she's not for him on his own.
Deal with the things you CAN control, and bite your tongue on things you can't. Forbidding the relationship or talking negatively about her is only going to make her seem more attractive to DS and he's likely to go behind your back to talk to her. You can't MAKE him end the relationship, especially if they're talking at school, but you can control his cell phone use, his computer time, how much he's away from home in the evening and on weekends. Deal with that stuff without bringing the girl into it, focus instead on his irresponsible use of those things.
It does sound like DS is likely to get his heart broken by this girl, but unfortunately, we can't protect them from every heartbreak, as much as we'd like to. And as cruel as this might sound, getting his heart broken by her might not be all bad - if he learns that some types of girls just aren't worth his time and attention and makes a better choice next time around. As much as we hate to admit it, the kind of girl who would send topless pictures of herself to a boy does hold a huge appeal for teen boys who are thinking with their horomones rather than their common sense. Even though DS is only 14, those horomones are likely already running wild - and it's so hard when our little boys start turning into "frat animals" but it does happen to most of them in some way.
Rose
Get her parents involved and DO show them the pic text that she's sending out. They need to know what their dd is up to and with their help, you may be able to get your son away from this girl.
stacy
I think it would be helpful if we better understood your definitions
They have been "going out" since September? How? Group dates? Individual dates? Purely an in school thing?
It would be easiest to say he cant date outside of school until age 15 but, if that ship has already sailed, it becomes more challenging to now add a restriction and, of course, it will seen as related to the GF. You can still restrict the phone, his time, etc but, again, its more challenging and you will have to be more careful about your phrasing
Also curious about 'before it gets worse". I can define that one many ways ;)
As my own parents used to say, "it takes 2 to tango" so be careful you dont fall into thinking she is leading ds down a path he doesnt want to go(and I would say the same if the sexes were reversed). Be talking seriously and heavily about sexual matters, physical and emotional. It may not be THIS girl but it will be some girl so be sure he is prepared for the whole package
As Rose said, it is very difficult to see our little boys this way. But my oldest who is nerdy and introverted and didnt date until after high school-even he had porn magazines stashed under his mattress at this age. It is THERE!