Son and grade 12 graduation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Son and grade 12 graduation
15
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:27pm
My son, who will be graduting this year, does not want to go to his graduation ceremonies. He is a bit of a loner and although he does have a girlfriend (she's not in the same grade) he doesnt want to go. I think its because most of the kids are going in groups with friends, renting limos etc. and he is feeling quite left out. I have tried explaining to him that this is a very important time in his life and he would regret it in the future if he didnt go. I told him that even if he just went to the ceremony, he doesnt have to go to the party after - we can do something on our own (dinner, whatever...). He is still firm on not going. He still has time to change his mind but in the interim do I just leave it be and accept whatever his decision is? From the "mom" perspective, I would be so disappointed not to see him on the stage with the rest of his class.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:39pm

I don't know if this will help. DH wasn't a big fan of school either. Both his parents were teachers at his hs, dad was actually asst' principal! He left school mid-term (he had enough credits to graduate) and never went back. Not for prom, sr. sneak day, grad ceremony ... nothing. He doesn't regret it at all.

I can certainly understand your DS' being hesitant to be involved in the festivities if he never felt accepted or like he belonged. But I can sure understand how you feel too. I'm pretty sure I'd want to see my grad in a cap and gown, recieve the diploma and all that. Maybe you can encourage him to go through with the ceremony, but make plans to leave right after it's over -- plan something special for that time with him, the rest of the family and his girlfriend.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:56pm

I didn't want to go to my HS graduation, even after doubling up my 11th & 12th grade classes, but my mom wanted me to go. It was very uncomfortable for me as I didn't really hang out with many of the kids in my grade and I felt like a loner. There was none of that post graduation comradary for me. The celebration began after I left the grounds and went home. Am I sorry I went, no. Do I wish I had skipped it, yes.

I think this is your son's choice. Perhaps together you can come up a way to celebrate in your son's style, yet in some way that you will also enjoy and feel the full pride of the moment.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:57pm
I agree with Jules. Does the nearest big city have a famous restaurant? Hotel? Tell DS you have a special evening planned--just for family and girlfriend--and you would love to see him walk the plank, and then leave right after because you have made plans. Is there something he always wanted to do but it was too far away, or too expensive? Maybe this would be the time to go. After all, you're celebrating a big milestone. You could even tell DS that you're glad he doesn't want to spend grad night with all those other people, you would love to have him to yourselves to celebrate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 1:24pm

I like the idea of planning a big, special evening and leaving IMMEDIATELY after for this big surprise. Sort of a trade off - he does something you want, he does something you want.

If going to graduation is really not meaningful to him, you might have to let it go. Maybe you can convince him to get the gown and hat, and you can at least have a graduation picture. And then do the special celebration anyway, to mark the finishing of High School which is still a big important day, with or without the celebration.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:53pm

I just had another idea; maybe you can compromise ...

Ask him if he would go through the motions -- get the cap and gown, go through with the ceremony ONLY until he gets his diploma. Then let him walk right on out of there!

That way, you can see him in the cap and gown, see him shake hands and get his diploma, you'll get your photo op and he only has to stay until his name is called! Then you can all just leave, you can avoid all the inevitable chaos after the ceremony and you can go do your something special.

Just an idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 6:03pm
I'm with the other posters in that you should try to talk him into going through with the ceremony and then leave immediately afterwards for something special.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 7:00pm

I guess high school graduations have changed since my own. It was out on the football field and there were so many people milling around that no one would have notice one if one student wandered away.

You're right. It would be inconsiderate to the other students for him to do that in a smaller venue. My apologies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 8:10am
i understand how you feel. but i am thinking from your ds's POV - maybe it would be better if you would ACCEPT his position (after all - it IS his choice). maybe if he sees that you are accepting HIM *as is* it will be easier for him to change his mind later on. you can ALWAYS try and push him into the graduation later on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 9:17am

S & J weren't really into high school graduation either... would have skipped it if they had felt it was an option, they weren't real wild about their classmates either, really didn't care to hang out with any of them after graduation as they never felt really accepted by them in high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 9:51am
I know you would be disappointed but, honestly, it is HIS graduation after all. We as parents have these romanticized visions in our heads too. We project our own feelings and thoughts and regrets on our kids. Consider that he might regret GOING vs NOT GOING. Let him be. Do a celebration party at home but he doesn't need to go to the ceremony if he doesn't want to be there...

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