son being picked

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
son being picked
9
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:58am
My son is 11 years old and he just started middle school.
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:15am

At 11 yo?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:22am

Having 3 boys, I can tell you this is acceptable socialization technique in many of their minds. My middle one, who is 'popular', talked this way with his friends. It's like they are being tough and not showing real emotion

In any case, boys are boys and are not going to say "New haircut? I just love the way it brings out your eyes"

Help him understand this. Popular middle son is now 19 yrs old & works with small children PT at the park district. He appears to have a gift and I had a co worker gush over how wonderful he is just yesterday. I had him pegged as the least caring and sensitive of my three and I'm the mom!!!!! The "Im cool" attitude can be quite misleading. Encourage DS to look past the words

And, if he just cant handle it, maybe its time to find different friends. These things do change in middle school

I would not intervene at this point but would have a talk with teachers if it continues after the holidays. At least they can keep an eye on it and tell you what they are seeing

Edited after reading coldfingers post.....I had the same thought and its why I would want teachers input. I think it is very different if 'everyone' is treating him this way as opposed to his little circle of friends. 'Everyone' would certainly worry me more. So maybe asking the school now instead of later isnt a bad idea




Edited 11/6/2007 9:28 am ET by windrush54
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:24am

I can so relate to how you are feeling and what your son is going through.My 13 year old is going through something similar and it is not fun.Keep the lines of communication open with him and the school to do what you can to help him feel good about himself.Is he a part of any clubs,groups,sports etc?? That can be a good place to start,have him participate in activites that he likes and he should make friends that have similar interests.This is a tough few years for kids,they need to know they can talk to you,teachers or counsellors or any trusting adult.Help him make new friends and enjoy life.


Let us know how it goes,


have a beautiful day,


~Shelley


www.LiveYourDreamsAtHome.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:48am

I'd wait a while. Suggest that he call other guys to do things outside of school. That's what I did when DS18 was in middle school, although, because he was shy, DS rarely initiated any get togethers with friends and he was very much a home body. And he remained lonely for 1-1.5 years, but he was busy with soccer outside of school, year-round,and that kept him from being too lonely. He was not picked on, but lost his closest friend who played different sports and who found new friends. When DS got to HS, he went to the sporting events and dances, met new kids, and got back into the social scene.

Does your DS have an activity outside of school that can keep him socially involved in some way? It's not the same as having a close group of friend at school, but it does help. Give him something to look forward to by letting him know HS will be better. If you see that his loneliness is affecting his grades or his habits in an undesirable way, then talk to a counselor.

DS24, otoh, was picked on a LOT when he was in middle, and HS, cuz of his height. He was only 5'1" when he got his driver's license at age 16! (Now he's 5'10") But he was a self-confident socializer with tons of friends, and he never let the razzing get to him. He'd just mouth back at the guys. He was always good-looking and that kept him popular among the girls, and then the guys wanted to include him, too.

I decided we cannot change our introverted kids' personalities--so much of it is genetic. We just have to make suggestions and help our less-confident kids adjust to the "out there, at you" screaming of the world we live in, reassuring them that they are okay, all along the way.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:56am


Thanks for saying this - I have often though the same thing of my ds18, who is also somewhat popular.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:00pm
For what it's worth, I work in a middle school and I have a middle school-aged son. I would urge you to contact the guidance counselor without delay. They know how to handle these things in a discreet way, and no one need ever know that you got involved. It's their job to teach kids how to socialize properly, and the counselor needs to be made aware of what is going on. Kids are very clever about doing these things when teachers aren't looking, so his teachers very well may not be aware of it. They have enough to keep track of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:46pm

I have to agree with you - I have a lot of friends who are teachers and teachers' wives, and a lot of times, unless it's REALLY bad, the kids know how to keep this kind of behavior out of the teachers' radar zone.


That being said - as the mom of 3 now adult DSs - I think in some social circles this is just how guys socialize.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:50pm
Please contact the guidance office, and talk with the teachers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 4:02pm

Marie -


>>>>went right up to the freshmen and dared them to throw the papers at him instead.<<<<


Can I just say that I LOVE this story about your DS!!