Son depressed, refuses to attend school

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Son depressed, refuses to attend school
5
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:35pm

I am the parent of a 14 year old boy who is suffering from depression. He is in counseling (just begun after sorting through three previous therapists) and his father and I are hopeful that a strong, trusting connection will form with this new Doctor, whom he professes to like.

My immediate concern is school. Last fall he hit an emotional wall at his middle school. He's now in a small, alternative middle school -- a warm, extremely supportive environment where he already had friends. He started in January. It began well enough, but has declined rapidly in the last two weeks. He cannot articulate why -- his depression causes him to be very sensitive to criticism and I know he's angry and frustrated. His schoolwork has fallen behind, The school and I are building a plan to get him caught up (he's very bright -- straight A's at his previous school). But last Friday he refused to attend school and refused again today. I'm hoping we will resolve this in a partnership with my son, his school and his therapist. I've also brought in the support of our pediatrician.

In the meantime, I'm wondering if anyone in this discussion community has dealt with this problem. What methods did you find to cope with an adamant refusal to go to school?

I'm new to this board, struggling with my son's unhappiness and looking for support from other parents. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:43pm
I don't have any bdtd experience but I just wanted to welcome you to the board.
Pam
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:37am

I'm concerned that his depression is so debilitating that he is refusing to go to school. Seems it's paralizing his social life. Do you have medication for him? My ds had to try a couple before we found one, and since I had some experience with that one, I gave him mine, which were half the strength that the ped gave him (and I'm more than twice his weight!!) and they had terrific effect on him. He's been off them now for, well, since Thanksgiving weekend, and is doing fine. Some days better than others. I got him some St John's Wort that I thought he was taking, but since there was originally 60 in the bottle and I counted 58 in the bottle the other day, I think he's not taking them...lol

I wish I had better advice for you. I hate to just say "drug him" but if it's truly depression (and it sounds like it is) it's probably a chemical imbalance and he needs to be rebalanced. Talking it out is an excellent plan, but sometimes kids also need the meds.
(((HUGS))) I feel your pain, I truly do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:19am

I'm very sorry that you are going through this and wish there was some easy answer but there probably isn't. You are right to keep trying until you find the counselor that clicks with your child so hopefully that will help. Have they tested him for any type of learning disorder that could be contributing to his depression? DD has ADD and really struggled with alot of things for a while before we started medication. Until her 10th grade year, she had always done very well grade-wise but she hit a brick wall that year. Medication and a little counseling helped tremendously.

I would also ask is he on medication for the depression. If not, you might want to speak his doctors about that. I didn't want to medicate my child either but she was miserable.

The only other suggestion that I have for you is that you might also go to counseling. I choose one that specialized in adolescents so that she could help me understand why DD did some of the things she did and what I could do to help her. I did this for a while when dD refused to attend counseling. It also helped me with my stress level.

I wish you and your son the very best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:17pm

huge hugs....

i went thru this with my DS who is now 19. its very difficult and i don't know what resources you have at your disposal. (i live in a different country so i don't know exactly how things are in the US)

first of all - accept the fact that your dd is going thru something difficult. in most cases - its not that he is just 'choosing' not to go to school. its important that you (and the other adults in his life) understand this. this doesn't mean that you are condoning what he is doing (or not doing) but that you understand that he is not being lazy or something. there is some kind of *real* fear involved here. understand too, that this is going to take a lot of time, patience, and trial-and-error on everyone's side -and your son is the one who will have to do the work. its not going to be easy - but you need to support his every step. things that seem to you to be trivial or that you are usually taking for granted (lets say that he couldn't go outside, and one day he went out for a few minutes) - need to be supported and noticed.

second - i don't know how things go in the states - but i know that its very hard to find a good therapist, and to get a good diagnose. i found that for us, the best place was a clinic that specialized in teens in trouble. i preferred working with a clinic because i felt that there was a 'team' there, there were other people in addition to 'our' therapist, and there were other options available - such as groups for teens with phobias - that are not available in private practices. again - this is what worked for us in israel - i don't know what would be the best in your situation.

third - about medications. i am kind of on the fence about this. i think its important in some cases - and i think its dangerous in others. psychiatrists tend to prescribe meds - sometimes without fully hearing the whole story. my son was on meds at different times - the last time the meds made things worse, in fact i was sure he was going to committ suicide, he was so suicidal. the psychiatrist said -ok, lets try another one, but at that point i told my son that i support his decision not to take anything. its been 9 weeks that he is off everything and he is doing much much much better.

definately, as one of the other posters mentioned, YOU need help for yourself, and you need to be able to be in contact with the therapist and any doctors who may be prescribing meds. make sure you write down your questions before you go because you may forget. one other things - you also need to make sure that you knwo what is really bothering him. to this day, i am not 100% sure about why my son would get panic attacks. but i do know that he go thtem. at one point i tried driving him to school and i could see that he physically COULD NOT go in there. he would get pale, shake, and he just couldn't do it. this is not a 'normal' kind of fear.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:59pm
I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that I'm in a similar situation. I have a 14 year old foster son who suffers from (mild) depression and (moderate-severe) generalized anxiety disorder. On top of that, he is ADHD, Oppositional-Defiant, has a lousy background, and does not get along with his peers at all (constantly verbally bullied). As you can imagine, school is NOT his favourite place to be! The only thing that gets him there most days is that he feels it will go against him in court if he doesn't go to school. See, Child Welfare is in the middle of a process to terminate his parents rights - and he REALLY wants to go home. That's not going to happen - those rights are almost definitely going to be terminated and he is going to be ours permanently - and I'm REALLY afraid that he'll just refuse to go to school at that point. To top it off, he is NOT in counselling OR on medication at this point, and there is now way that I can influence that (yet). This morning was a battle-royal to get him to school, and it just seems to get harder every day. The worst part is that when he DOES come to school, he does nothing and annoys the hell out of his teachers and classmates. I've considered home schooling, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to make him do anything at all! He doesn't see himself ever graduating - he's just "putting in time" until he's old enough to drop out. Very sad.