Son is driving me freakin crazy!
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| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:36am |
Okay - so back to the saga of my 17, soon to be 18, year old son. He got kicked out of school due to lack of attendance 3 weeks ago. Only 4 months to go in grade 12 too - but thats another story and most of you have heard me rant about that one!
Anyway, I told him if he didnt go to school then he must find a job. I did warn him when he quit school that his relationships with his friends, especially his girlfriend, at school would change. Sure enough they did. Girlfriend found another guy and broke up with him. He was devastated! First love - they'd been seeing each other for over 2 years. So knowing his despair, I let him off the hook for awhile to heal a bit. He's been spending most of his time at his friend's house, another drop out, playing video and computer games all night and then coming home at 7 in the morning and sleeping all day. (The other boy's mom has her own issues - depressed I think - never seems to leave her room - sad situation really) but his friend is very polite and has never caused us any problems.
Anyway, so after about a week of this nonsense I told him that enough was enough and he had to find a job - even if it was just part-time. He said he wanted something night shift and agreed to apply at a local fast food restaurant for that shift. He filled out the app and they called him for an interview which he ended up missing due to sleeping thru it. Told him to call them, apologize and see if they would reschedule. Well, he did and they did -he went but unfortunately they wanted someone 18 years old - so much for that.
So I told him he had to come up with an alternative plan. Last night he wanted a ride to his friend's house again at 10 pm. Normally I make him walk but I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk with him (captive audience in the car). Well, he was in a horrible mood and basically blamed everyone but himself for his predicament. I told him that he has only himself to blame for getting kicked out of school. He kept saying it was the school's fault, our fault, blah blah blah. Then I told him that he had to find a job or find some other option (maybe summer school). He told me to "shut the f-up" and "get off his 'f-ing case'. Well, I kinda went ballistic after that and told him that he appreciates nothing anybody does for him, its his own fault for where he is now, etc. etc. We've offered to help him out on so many levels, even offered to help him buy a car (nothing expensive) but something to get around in as long as he saved up $500 - thats all we wanted from him. He said to me "big deal, a crappy car worth 3 grand". I told him my parents never bought me a car, much less a cheap one, and its taken me until I'm 40 and years of hard work to get something new.
I also asked him if he ever thought WHY his girlfriend broke up with him. Maybe because other boy has a car, works part-time and has money (she was always paying for my son) and actually valued his education. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say but I'd had it with him big time. I also told him that if he didnt get off his butt and start doing something for himself he could find somewhere else to live. Well, his last words to me were "ya, throw me out on the street stupid b--ch".
Needless to say I was incredibly angry, hurt, you name it and cannot tolerate the disrespect. I didnt sleep a wink last night and so far he's at his friend's house. Normally when we know he's there we leave the back door open for him but this time I locked everything up. Not sure what will happen if he tries to get in (he has no key). My 13 year old daughter is home (spring break) and I hope nothing bad happens if he comes home, like he goes ballastic or something.
Anyway, I just dont know what more to do. Do I proceed with tough love and actually kick him out or do I just let him find his own way but not go out of my way for him ie. no rides, no money, no buying any food he likes, etc. and hope he comes to his senses. Its totally disrupting all our lives and I'm not sure how to proceed.
Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

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I haven't even read the thread yet.... cause one part I read of your post was like a sucker punch in the stomach.
On Sunday my DS (almost 17) called me a stupid b--ch. I'm not over it yet!
I don't have the answers as of yet... but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Now I'll read the thread and maybe I'll have more to add later.
Sorry you're experiencing this.
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actually - you can 'force' him. this is part of the tough love approach. there are ways to get him to do this.
I think actually that it would probably be a good idea if YOU would speak to
tamara!! what's going on? has your son come home? let us know.
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Something about "leading a horse to water" comes to mind.
My 16dd doesn't like going to counseling, but it's required by her DR (and me). However, I can't force her to talk or share or cooperate with the counselor's suggested therapies. Her counselor recently told me that she will no longer schedule appts with dd unless dd calls her and commits to being involved and fully engaged in her own therapy. That was 3 weeks ago. This weekend dd and I are going to have a talk and make a decision that she can present to her DR next week. I don't know what will come of it, I am hoping that dd decides to continue with the counseling.
Anyway, yeah, you can make a kid go, but you can't make them talk. It's like forcing an alcoholic to attend AA meetings only to learn that he hits the bar on his way home. I mean it won't work unless the person has decided to seek the help and cooperate in whatever the therapuetic plan is, right? Perhaps one day your son will learn the value of counseling. It's such a shame that they see such a stigma already. I know my dd perceives her need for counseling as there being something 'wrong' with her even though I explain that it's not that at all. Good luck.
I would recommend a gentler approach
Its only been three weeks-to me, he is still adjusting and, if he even gets close to moving forward, something happens(like his GF leaving him) He is angry-most likely at himself, but he is not going to admit he made a mistake at 17 IMHO. So it spews out.....
NO excuse for the name calling. It must have been devastating and I am not excusing that but suggesting you tuck it away for now and deal with the rest of the situation
If he needs a car to work, provide the car. Get the junkiest cheapest thing you can find, insist on payments, whatever you need to feel confortable but how do you expect the kid to work if he doesnt have transportation???
I had to totally change my mindset with my oldest. We are so hooked on punishment and reward and control. Lets face it, you want him to do what YOU want and you are coming up with ways to FORCE him to do it-no car, no money, lock the doors, etc, etc
I think you will both be a lot happier if you forget trying to make him go back to school or in some way see and admit the error of his ways.
Look for jobs with him, drive him to interviews,stand over him at teh kitchen table while he fills out applications, remind him to do his laundry so he has clean clothing for the interview-support him in the new way of life HE has chosen even if you dont agree with it
When he finds a job-not before-find the car for him so he can go to that job.
He has got to see the error of his ways on his own-it might take 5 months or 5 years but you are just bringing out the anger by attempting to control him
Once he has a job, set a timeline for moving on out of the house-6 months would be my recommendation. Help him look for apartments so he knows what kind of money he will need; help him set up bank accounts if he doesnt already have them
This isnt enabling him. This is teaching him to go to the next step of life. He's 17 and, unless he is physically assaulting you or dealing drugs out of your home, I think you are still obligated to guide him
Grocery stores are good about hiring younger workers and have night shifts. Try other fast food places. Busboys at better restaurants are often younger.
Remember, if you just toss him out he is going to impose on this other family. Is that fair to them, expecially if the mom already has some depression issues?
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