Son is Head over Heels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Son is Head over Heels
12
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:09am
My son, almost 18 met a girl, age 15 on our family vacation last summer. Since then, they spend all their time on AIM and she calls him almost daily. She and her family came to our area for a subsequent vacation. We were gracious and allowed our son to see her. They were together for 15 hours. Some of this time was not supervised. My son told me that they were kissing.

Our son has always wanted to attend a school near her home. We are not going to let this happen. He has a bright future and should not be spending his time with girls at this young age.

He has been ivited to spend a few days with this girl at her parents home. We are going to say no. I am aware that my son has invited this girl to his senior prom, next spring.

How do we get the message across to him that he has the rest of his life to think about girls but for now his mind should be on school work and the long road ahead of him? And what is up with the parents of this girl to allow her to call my son?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:23am
I think you should point out to him that at 18, while he is "of age", this girl is a minor. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but in the states with statutory laws, if anything goes on physically between them, he could be in a lot of trouble.

I'm not implying that your son is going to "try" anything, but this may shake him up enough to get his mind focused elsewhere so that he can go on to college and meet girls his own age. You can always mention that later, when this girl is 18 and he is 21 if they're still interested, perhaps they can pursuit their friendship then.

As for her parents, they should have their heads examined.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 12:29pm
I agree with you and Mary on this one.


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Avatar for louannems
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:48pm
Why would you want to control your son? He is 18 and can make his own choices. These type of long-distance/ age different relationships have a way of working themselves out. Once he is in college, he will most likely see how many girls are right there, and he will be interacting with them in class, and in on-site college events.

I don't think that I would make such an issue out of one girlfriend. At his age, he may have several girlfriends each yr. Or he may really like this one girl. It doesn't mean he plans on marrying anytime soon!!!

When my son was that age, I did not pick and choose his girlfriends for him! She may only be 15, but could she be close to 16? And he is not quite 18, so that is not a big difference in age.

I remember when I was a senior, all the boyfriends/girlfriends didn't last past the first semester of Freshman yr in college!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:11pm
I think you still need to be mindful of the statutory laws given that she is a minor and he is not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 6:45pm
As far as the age difference goes he is an adult she is still a minor and I'd make sure he kept that in mind...however, I see nothing wrong with the relationship...15 is not a baby afterall. At 15 I was hanging with college aged kids and my boyfriend was in the Navy serving in Viet Nam and I somehow was able to maintain my virginity until I was 19.(imagine that)

And what is up with the parents of this girl to allow her to call my son?

This is the 21st Century girls have been calling guys for years. It wasn't common practice when I was in highschool but I do know it has been going on for the past 30 years. My daughter calls her boyfriends they are afterall her friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 9:07pm
Boy this sounds close to home. My son is 17 (18 in Feb) and he has a girlfriend of 16 (as of Oct). He's a senior and she is a sophomore. She lives almost 2 hours away. They IM and talk on the phone all the time. If it wasn't for the distance I wouldn't mind so much. But actually it may be a good thing. They hardly see each other and when they do her parents or we are there, not much alone time. They are both in sports which is how they see each other, we parents go to the sport events too. If she lived here, they could be alone very often.

He will be going to college in the fall (maybe even starting in the summer). We would prefer he didn't have a girlfriend back "home". We want him to enjoy all of college and not think of his high school girlfriend. He is still wanting to go away to college which would create more mileage distance between them. But life is different now then when we were kids. When my high school boyfriend went to college that was it for me, on to hometown boys. But with IM and cell phones things are different. Good or bad I don't know.

She is a nice girl and I do see how she has make him happy, they love talking to each other and are always laughing. I don't think it would be good for us to do anything to break them up, may force them the wrong way. We just need to be involved in there visits with each other. Oh, I AM going to talk to our son about the statutory (sp?)laws though, you never know.

Good luck

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 2:34am
I read your post several times and still I'm confused about what your concerns are exactly. Do you think that the girl is too young for your son? Do you think that your son is too young to be interested in girls? I understand that you want your son to focus on school and his future but it is pretty common and normal for a 17yo HS senior to be romantically involved with someone. I don't think that there is any way to get his brain off of her, but if you try to keep them apart you may just cause a lot of resentment from your son. You can make it clear what his responsibilities are in your home and regarding school but you can't (and shouldn't) try to tell him what he can think about!

Also I think that you should let your son attend college where he wants to go, even if it is near this girl. To force him to go somewhere he doesn't really want to go could be a big waste of money. By next fall they likely won't be together and you would have kept him from his dream. The majority of relationships don't last past the first semester when one of them goes to college.

This next piece of advice is completely unsolicited but I am going to say it anyway: if your son goes away to college you will instantly have no contol over him anymore. He can be staying out till 4am, sleeping through class, fall in love and forget about school, do all kinds of things that you may disapprove of and there won't be a thing you can do about it except to cut him off financially. He will be a legal adult, and the school won't tell you anything because of privacy laws (doesn't matter who pays the tuition!). According to my son, the more kids were controlled by their parents in HS the more they went wild when they got to college. My advice is to start letting go little by little NOW. If you have raised him well then he will be okay. I have 2 kids in college right now and I learned this stuff the hard way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 8:00am
You are so right about kids sometimes going off the deep end when they get to college if they were too controlled the last year or two of HS - but sometimes they go off the deep end even if they had plenty of freedom SR year. I'll never forget one of the girls on my floor in the dorm 25 yrs ago...parents were very strict, very conservative, very religious (dad was a pastor), and it didn't take long after college started for the rest of us to see she didn't know how to handle all the freedom she suddenly had. Long story short, by Christmas of our freshman year she was pregnant and had no clue who the father was because she'd gotten into a series of 1 nighters and she didn't even know some of the guys names. We tried to give S and J gradual freedom starting in Jr. yr for J and Sr yr for S (S had a LOT of negatives like drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and delinquency in his life before he came to live with us, and we felt that he needed to change his habits BADLY before we could trust him enough to give him some freedom). So far, so good, though they both periodically make decisions that make me want to pull my hair out.

S had a long term (16 month) relationship with a gal from the summer after Jr. yr through Sept of college - we were pretty sure this was one high school romance that would last. But 300 miles between them as they headed off to different colleges was too much, and they went through a VERY nasty break up. She was very controlling of him, and even though it made us crazy, we said nothing most of the time just because knowing S, it would backfire in a big way. Once she was far enough away that she no longer had control, the relationship went to pot. He had his heart broken in a big way, but he's moving on now...currently seeing a 17 y/o HS Jr, he's 19 and a fresh in college, and while I'm pretty sure this relationship won't last more than 6 months, he's happy again for now. J spent a good share of Sr yr (turned 18 in Sept of Sr. yr) being very heavily pursued by a 15 y/o freshman. We figured that when he was off to basic training and AIT 500 miles away her attention would turn elsewhere...well, it doesn't appear that has happened...she's now almost 16, he's 19 and it scares the begeebies out of us (statuatory laws especially), but again, how much can we say before it backfires on us. The three yrs between them wouldn't be a concern to us if she were 18 and he were 21, but now....

Yes, these guys should be concerned with school over g/fs but lets face it, WE were all worried about boys in high school (at least I and my friends were), and it's been going on for longer than any of us have been on this earth, and not likely to change. As long as they keep their priorities in order, and we think our DSs have, let them have a life along the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 6:17pm
Good post, elc. These are very valid points and well said :-)

cl-kkiana :-)


cl-kkiana

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 7:17pm
You said your son is almost 18, right? Well, then you really don't have a say in who he dates, at least not for much longer. And you're not going to LET him go to a college near his girlfriend? Again, not your decision (or at least shouldn't be, but I don't know who's funding his education). Besides, why is it so abnormal for your son to want to spend a significant amount of time with a girl he likes? I guess I could understand your point if your son was 13 or 14, but he's practically an adult. Spending time with girls "at this young age" isn't at all bizarre, nor do I think it will have any affect on his "bright future." I do agree, however, that you might want to encourage your son to check out the laws in your state... a three year age gap isn't too bad, but the state might find it a bit shady, especially if they're sleeping together. And I don't want to assume that I know what your son is doing, but if he's almost 18, there's a signifigant chance they are. Sorry if my message is harsh, but it seems to me that you're worrying about something that's pretty much out of your hands.

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