Son is a player

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Son is a player
4
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:56am

My son is having casual sex and god it really bugs me!!! He's 18 and for most of high school he's really been a womanizer. Sleeping around with different women. He's one girlfriend, which lasted about 6 months, and then he was back at his ways.

My other son is 25 and was unfortunately a loner for most of high school. He wasn't the guy that ladies paid much attention to. Now though he's been going to the gym, has worked on his appearancen confidence, and has a pretty good job. Now he's also a player, having casual sex with many women.

It bugs me because of the way they disrespect these girls. I overheard my son joking with his friend about the girls he was fooling around with. He obviously had no respect for them.

I haven't been very close to my sons, as I've always been hung up on my career. I guess maybe thats why they don't respect women, or at least thats how it seems to me. My DH says that its a phase and they'll grow out of it soon.

I've been hurt by players before so I guess it hurts to see my sons go in that direction.

Have any of you ladies had to deal with this from your sons? How do I handle this and try to steer my sons toward serious relationships?




Edited 1/1/2007 11:57 am ET by bria0gol
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: bria0gol
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:53pm

One of my DSs has been a huge player in the past, not just when he was "single" but also when he was engaged! Makes my blood boil to know that he's cheated on my DIL numerous times, the last time that I know of just a few months before the wedding. He SAYS he didn't do anything the last time that I know about, but I know him, I know the girl involved and her reputation, and I know how badly that girl wanted him back - if it hadn't been for the fact that he got pulled over by a cop for going 45 mph over the speed limit and DUI, I'm sure he'd have cheated physically as well as in his head. Unfortunately, DIL is a trusting, naive soul, and believes him when he comes up with "reasons" for being caught in that situation. It's just a matter of time before he's unfaithful within the marriage IMHO. I've always talked a lot about respecting women, morals, values, etc... but with this one it didn't stick. The other two, definitely not players, to the point that they don't date much at all, not unless they think the gal is really special. I'm not sure what to tell you - I think part of the problem with S is that I didn't get him til he was 17, and by that time he'd watched just about every adult in his life live the "player mentality."

I hope that your DH is right, that these guys eventually outgrow it - but there are enough 50 y/o players out there, I tend to believe "once a cheater, always a cheater." Sorry I can't be more encouraging, just wanted to let you know I've watched the same thing you're watching, but didn't get very far in dealing with it.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bria0gol
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:54pm

With the attitude your boys are currently carrying, do you WANT them to have a serious relationship?

Nahhh...that's where the hurt REALLY comes in. If they are players who are playing and a female close to their age goes along........it takes two to tango, as my elders used to say.

I would like to see all our kids show more respect for themselves and for the possible consequences these acts hold but I, personally, don't feel it shows disrespect for women over men.

I have 3 boys and I stress that they need to be sure the girl always knows where they stand. No lies or false promises...that may be what you remember from your past but, honestly, I dont think that's necessarily what's happening with a lot of girls today. I don't think those false promises are always needed, so to speak

My middle son is my most outgoing and carries that Abercrombie look. Last day of school his sophomore year he came home with all sorts of 'offers' written on his car from girls(I had to get on the net to decipher the slang-THEN I blushed)

So, certainly encourage open communication and CONDOMS but don't blame yourself for causing this-I just dont see it

A time will come when they get bored and want something else....it might be 29 or 32 but then maybe it will be a lasting relationship too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: bria0gol
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:08pm
I think it's those false promises that really irritates me with S - every girl he's ever been with has gotten the impression that she is THE one. I suspect that's part of why his ex's always hang around long after he's moved on, they fall for all his lies. I love the boy dearly, but I don't respect the way he handles relationships at all, and probably never will until he's proven that he's serious about monogamous.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: bria0gol
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 6:46am

Well, you know, they are still young and sometimes we parents really make it tough for our kids. When they are young and get too seriously involved with one person we are concerned because they are young and should be dating alot of different people. When they do date different people we call them "players" and get worried about them being too promiscuous and never settling down. If they don't date we get worried that there is something wrong and they are lacking in social skills and will end up alone.

So which is it? Do we want them to settle down immediately or play the field or what? We're never happy are we?

If your sons are happy and if at all times everyone knows its not serious and no one is getting seriously hurt (hearts will be broken along the way but that's life) then just ensure they at least practice safe sex. AND that when they DO find a more stable/serious relationship that they handle that relationship with sincerity and honesty.