Son Treats Me Like Crap

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Son Treats Me Like Crap
7
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:23pm
I have a DS who is 13 1/2. The way he treats me is getting so bad that I don't
know what to do. I actually started crying this morning. You can't ask him to do
anything. Last week I was already for bed and I asked him to put the trash out
and his answer was "no". Of course I started yelling at him and I wound up putting
out the trash in my pajamas. Then I asked him to shovel before he went out while
I was still at work and when I got home, it was not done. I did it and had to do it
again the next morning (husband was away). Today we had a family birthday to go to,
which he did not want to attend and my husband didn't either and didn't think it was
fair of me to ask my son to go someplace he did not want to go. Anyway, my son was
giving a hard time about going, he was mad and while lying on the sofa he started to
throw all the pillows on the floor. When I asked him not to do that because we walk
on the floor with our dirty shoes he didn't pay me any mind. I asked him twice why
he did that and he totally ignored me. Then he raised the volume on the television.
I just sat there and started to cry right in front of him and told him it really hurts me
that I have a son who treats my like crap. His answer was "why do I have to go to this
party". I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I don't know how to get him
to have some respect for me. I am at my wits end with him. I am a good mother and
do a lot and take care of my children. Why bothers me the most is not that he does it,
that it doesn't bother him. How can I get him to change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:05pm
The situation is getting worse. I posted the first message almost 30 minutes ago
and he is still laying on the couch even though I repeatedly told him he had
to take a shower. We are supposed to be leaving in 5 minutes. Short of me
dragging him by his shirt up the stairs, i don't know what to do. My
blood is boiling and I feel at any moment that I am going to crack and lose it
on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:09pm
OK. So what is your husband's reaction when your son acts like a 2 year-old? Does he step in? Does he back you up or does he leave you hanging?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:58pm

Sounds like it's time to play hard ball with him. In our house we call this a "tune up." He needs to know you mean business. He needs to lose some privleges that he holds sacred, whether it be tv, sports teams, MSN, whatever. Take them away. Then draw up a list of expectations you have of him - start small. If he accomplishes one thing, or works with you on one request, he earns a privlege back. Make your expectations clear and don't negotiate once you're written them out. The hardest part could be maintaining your own composure. Don't yell and stay calm and don't react to his reactions. Give him the message that you are the one in control and if he wants his privleges back, it's up to him and if he doesn't, well, that's ok with you, you'll continue to put out the garbage, etc., but his life could become a bit miserable - his choice. They soon learn that it really isn't worth it. When my dd was 13, this process took a month. But it worked. As she gained back her privleges I talked to her a lot about working together, having open communication and trust. Things are so much better now. I've had to do some of the same with my 11 yr old dd lately as she hits the age of attitude.

Teens are up and down. They challenge. But we do get through it. Choose your battles carefully, don't react as he wants you to (thereby reinforcing his negative behaviour), talk to a friend, and be kind to yourself.

Good luck
cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 2:05pm

I'm sorry you and your son are going through a tough time. I agree that he needs to stop acting like a small child, but you also need to stop treating him like one. Sit with him and set reasonable expectations that you all agree on, talk to him reasonably and with respect.

You said <<<>>> and <<>> in this post and something about <> in the other post. Each of these reflect a view of him as someone to be manipulated and controlled, and a realization that at 13 he's bigger and stronger, so just picking him up won't work.

Rather than seeing how you can *make* him do what you want, see him as someone to talk to about what is going on and what needs to be done.

For example, we are going into the city to see my bro and sil tonight - it impacts my DD in terms of her homework and disruption of her regular Sunday routine. I *do * expect her to come with us, but I approached it by all of us talking about it - she was part of the plan. If she really, really didn't want to go, I'd pick my battles - letting her pass on stuff that isn't as important and holding the line when it is. Knowing she has some input and control makes her less likely to fight over every little thing.

Family counseling may help all three of you find ways to negotiate and work together over the next few years.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 3:27pm

You don't avoid the pitfalls of the teen years by being a good parent-you just plain don't avoid them! So, first, realize that this isn't the same little boy you dealt with 2 years ago and won't be again(oh, there will be glimpses but he is a teen now)What worked before most likely wont work now

I agree with Sue.

Pick your battles!!

You have every right to expect him to take out the garbage but you dont IMHO have right to demand he drop everything and do it this minute.

Make a chart of his responsibilities with his input. That doesnt mean you let him call the shots but if hed rather empty the dishwasher than take out the garbage, that should be within his 'power' to negotiate by the week or month or whatever

Give a little; get a little

Something as simple as

"The garbage needs to be out by 6pm"(assuming its like 3pm)can work wonders. My kids might wait until 558 but they do it.

I still have to stand over them for details. I ask the 15 yr old to clean the bathroom on occasion-give him until dinner of the day and yes, he does it-sort of. Sometimes it means taking the time to stand over them and show them what you mean(something about 'use the wipe on every square inch of the toilet' appears to be unclear ;))

You might want to start talking with your husband about family gatherings and what should be attended as a family and what might be more flexible. Maybe weddings and funerals are musts and birthdays are maybes? I dont know because I dont know your family situation details but it sounds like you ALL need to talk this out. If DH doesnt have to go, of course a 13 yr old boy is going to start questioning it-biggest influence on a child is the same sex parent, acc/to Dr Phil and it makes sense

You might have to compromise more than you like on that once without DH's support-sorry!

Hang in there and this board is a great place to fine support-I think we have had an influx of parents with 13 yr olds the past 2 months so there will be lots of people in the same boat as you, Im sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 5:50pm

I agree with Sue and Windrush, at 12-14 they ALL develop an attitude, the only difference is how bad it gets and how long it lasts. My DD and I have a great relationship now (she's 15 1/2) but when she was 12 I thought I'd given birth to a monster.

Teenagers tend to see themselves as "almost adult" rather than "barely out of childhood" and my experience has been that the more you treat them like the "almost adult" that they think they are, the more they act like it. Negotiating rather than demanding has worked much better with my 4, the oldest are 22 now. Giving them a time frame to get something done, rather than expecting them to do it "right now" seems to work better too. I got in the habit of assigning jobs that had to be done by the end of the day, and I'd post them on the family bullitin board in the morning, before they got up, so before they even left for school, they knew what the job for the day was.

IMO, the birthday party isn't really the problem, it's a symptom of a bigger problem, that being his lack of respect for you, your expectations, and your standards. Sometimes the easiest way to get that respect is to show them respect even when they haven't earned it - that means no yelling, no screaming, no hysterics or tears. And let him know "we're leaving at 2, I expect you to be showered and ready to go by 1:45." And tell him that well before noon... then WHEN he showers and gets ready is his choice. It sounds like he's trying very hard to maintain control over his life, and giving him some control is not a bad thing at all.

At 13, he has to do things because he WANTS to anyway (even if the only reason he wants to is because he doesn't want to deal with the hassle if he doesn't do it). If he isn't already bigger, stronger, and faster than you are, he will be very soon. All of my DSs reached that point by the time they were 14 or 15, so physically MAKING them do something has been out of the question for a very long time. But most of the time, they do things fairly readily, either coz they don't want me nagging them, or just because they've come to realize that doing chores around the house is part of maintaining the family home - which they live in as much as I do. AND if they do what I ask today, I will be much more likely to do something extra for them tomorrow.

I know you've heard this before, but pick your battles, pick your battles, pick your battles. Not everything is of equal importance, and it isn't such a bad thing to let some things go.

Hang in there. I agree that maybe some family counseling will help get things headed in the right direction.
Rose

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 5:00pm

Hi,
I'm new here and actually found the site because I am going through some difficulties with my almost 16 yr old son. I also have a 14 yr old son. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I just read a book called, Get Out Of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall. It is a great read for parents of teens actually, I wish I had read it when my Son was 12 or 13. It really delves into relationships between moms and boys too, which is very interesting and has helped me not to feel so depressed about how my sweet little boy has dissapeared! Things between me and him are better then they were about 2 months ago, mainly because I understand his behavor better and it really is mind boggling that there are things causing him to behave this way....and He really doesn't Hate Me/you :) Anyhow, I really would reccomend reading it :) Also, Dad's aren't being treated quite the same way...they are both Men, or little boys....whichever way you'ld like to look at it :)

Good Luck,

Julie