son's girlfriend
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son's girlfriend
| Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:34pm |
This is kind-of long, so I'm sorry. My ds (16, will be 17 in 2 months) has been with his girlfriend (18) for over a year. She will not come to our house (and ignores us when she does come over) and does not want ds to spend any time with anyone (including family) but her. she does not have a driver's license, is manipulative, and depends on him completely. he is now almost never home (although he does always come in by curfew and does well in school) and has isolated himself from all friends, family, and most activities. No one in the family cares for her as a result. He also wants to include her in everything, including week-long family vacations and when I say no (which I always do; I think overnight trips with a boyfriend/girlfriend at his age are not appropriate, plus she does not want to be around our family at home, so why would i want to spend a week with her when I am trying to relax?), we argue about if for the week before vacation. She will then call him constantly while we are on vacation, whining and making him feel guilty becasue she has nothing to do without him. At times, he will comment on her neediness and complain that she is whiny and immature, but they are "in love" so if I say anything to him about his change in personality, and my concerns about him sacrificing his future to take care of her, he says he won't give up college, he doesn't need friends, he is happy, etc. He bought her a $200 promise ring for Christmas and last week they started a joint savings account (they both work; at the same place because she would have no way to get to a job without him) for their future. Obviously, that concerns me. I think the relationship is unhealthy and when he is away from her for even a few days (grounded or on vacation)he is a different person. Do I leave him alone and let the chips fall where they may? Do I make more of an effort to have her at our house? I am somewhere between wanting to do nothing and hope relief will come when he goes away to college (if he does)and wanting to do anything to get her out of the picture. I am sad that my son is not really part of the family anymore and watching him sort-of go downhill is making me miserable. Any advice would be appreciated.

I think you need to find a way to reach your son. How about his father? Is he in the picture and if so, would he try speaking with him?
So much of what is written in domestic violence literature is about the man dominating the woman, but it does happen the other way around frequently. It sounds like this could be the case with your son. You could contact a local or inner city shelter/domestic voilence service and ask if they have any pamphlets that you could give to your son.
Here is a link to a paper entitled "The Loser" and it goes on to describe signs of abusive relationships, etc. Anyway, it has some interesting information in it that you may be able to point out to your son and discuss.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html
I really do believe that if this girl is being as manipulative as you make it seem, your son could be headed for trouble and at risk of extremely detaching himself from his family. A loving, open and honest relationship brings people into the fold of family - it does not alienate the persons from their families. Their relationship sounds toxic to me so I can totally empathize with you. I hope you're able to rech your son.
You mention that your son is almost 17. I've found with both my daughters that it seems that this is the age where teens seem to pull away from their families and want to spend most of their free time with friends. It just so happens that your son is spending time with one specific friend, and a girlfriend at that. That being said, I would imagine that you might find yourself facing more problems when he begins his college search. You'll have to have a lot of patience and hope that as he matures, this relationship will have run its course.
My fear as a parent would be that she will manipulate him in the future should he decide to break away, by becoming pregnant. You may want to have a serious discussion with him regarding that possibility. Otherwise, I would just let nature take its course. Nothing you can say at this age, will deter him from someone he feels he's "in love with".