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|Fri, 10-17-2003 - 7:50pm|
Several months ago I posted about an incident w/ my always perfect dd - when I took she and three girlfriends to the beach, they met up w/ some guys and got intoxicated. This got back to their school and they suffered a lot of abuse because of it, in particular my dd. Her b/f broke up with her and she just suffered a lot of abuse for the next 6 weeks. However, I kept telling her to hold her head high, maintain her dignity, etc and things would eventualy change. Fortunately they did, she won back friends, respect and her b/f.
It has not all been smooth sailing, and she faltered again - but everything worked out.
Right now I am very angry and frustrated over the way her so-called 'good' friends have treated. In particular this one girl (M) - who went on the beach trip w/ us and misbehaved -but did not drink.
We recently had homecoming. My dd's b/f of now one year, wanted to take her out alone the night of homecoming dance - to dinner - then meet up with everyone else at the dance. Instead of all (about 20 kids) going to dinner together. He wanted to do this while they were dressed up - take her somewhere really nice, to celebrate their anniversary, homecoming and her 16th b/d. He could not afford to to somewhere nice like that 3 times in one month. (Also - the b/f finds these friends to be a little annoying sometimes). DD was undecided about what to do - but eventulay decided to go along w/ the b/f plan. Her friend M got very upset. Saying things like she was choosing her b/f over her friends, etc. Then just really treating her badly - sometimes ignoring her, sometimes other stuff (I won't go into - too long). At first I was ok with just dd and the b/f doing their thing and thought the g/f was being a little selfish. Then after listening to my dh and my mom thought maybe they were right - this being homecoming they should go with all their friends. Anyway - dd then told M she and b/f would go w/ them - although b/f was really not happy about it. M's response was something along the lines of irritated and like she was not sure they would have enough room for them but bottom line they ended up going together.
M was horrible to dd most of the night. Either ignoring her or just being rude. Also I heard M's date was horrible to M - but dd explained later to me that it was actually M's fault. M got really mad when another girl who went w/ them said she was cold and M's date offered her his jacket. M's date then starting saying how he was not even going to go to the dance. M got upset and called her mom to come and get her. But - that did not happen. I learned of this when talking to M's mom late that evening and that M's date was being really mean to M. This was not hard to believe because he had been mean to her before. DD says he has spit on her and called her a b****.
Sorry - got a little sidetracked. But the worst thing I think M has ever done to dd was what she did when the girls spent the night at m's house after the dance. Some of the girls (in secret) put claims on where they were sleeping. OK - kid stuff no big deal. DD ended up stuck on the floor which is a hardwood floor by the way. So - she proceeded to make herself a bed on the floor with 3 blankets. There were 2 other girls sleeping on the floor and the regular group that dd hangs with were sleeping either in beds, on a sofa or in a recliner. M came to dd and told her she needed to give them some of the blankets dd had b/c they were cold. Dd explained all she had to sleep on was these 3 blankets - but M made a big scene, saying it was her house and that dd did not have to spend the night. (this took place at 3AM). In frustration dd threw 2 of the blankets at M and as I understand it, they took her pillow too. She slept on one blanket on a hardwood floor. Later the next day she got in an argument w/ M. DD did as I had suggested and told M that she (DD) would have never treated M or any guest in her home that way. And several nights before when a group had spent the night at our house dd and I had made sure that everyone - including those sleeping on the floor - had sleeping bags, pillows, etc.
I was so unbelievably angry when I heard this it was all I could do to stop myself from calling the mom and M and letting M have it! But out of respect for my dd I reframed. I was also angry at my dd that she let his happen. I told her she should have called me to come and get her. She said she had started to.
When M continues to beahve badly in barely noticable ways treat dd poorly. Either by ignoring her or being deceitful and manipulative. So do 2 of the other girls although they are much more cool b/c one girl who in particular is perceived as sooo sweet can never have her reputation tarnished. Yet she will quietly stir up trouble.
It all makes me so angry b/c these girls have parents, teachers and other kids so fooled. They and their families are like the pillars of the high school.
It seems that this treatment really started when dd and one of the nicer girls (L) did some things together - nothing big - and M and one of the other girls (J) got upset - especially J. L and J were very good friends. J started saying that L and my dd were ignoring them, always doing stuff by themselves,etc. Bottom line is J was afraid she was losing her closest friend to dd and she was probably afraid she was losing control over L. Well this just continued to get worse. Then M invites J on an outing and does not invite dd and L. But M&J continue to say L&DD ignore them. I just cannot tell you how untrue it is. It all boils down to J being afraid she is going to lose her primadonna role in the group.
Last night after the game - they all cheer - they were going to Taco Mac. DD chose not to go - saying she was not hungry - but I knew she was just trying to avoid another unpleasant situation. Then today L called dd and asked her to go to the mall with all of them (was to be 6 girls). then later M or J or E one called back and said E's mom was not able to take that many girls and dd and L were not able to go. Then J calls dd and asks if she will take her place in what she needed to do for the game that night (something squad members take turns on) b/c she was not going to be back from the mall in time. DD agreed to do it. I was sooo mad at dd. Why did she agree to this?!? I finally talked her into calling these girls back and telling them she could not b/c I was taking her somewhere. M got an attitude and said why did she not tell them b/4 b/c they were not going to be back in time and they had already called the coach and told her of the switch. Reality was they still had 1.5 hours and plenty of time to get back. Anyway - dd did it. Ohh - this makes me so mad!
What do I say to dd? Do I say anything to any of the parents. I know I should not say anything to the parents - this will just make things worse for dd. I want so much though for others to wake up and see what these kids are really like. Yet they are giving every leadership role in the school and win every popularity contest. And they are sooo horrible. What is this teaching dd - what is it teaching any of the kids about proper behaviour. To me it is saying if you behave badly you get the things you want and recognized as a 'leader.' I so want to take dd out of this school. I know the problem is not isolated to our school - but would just like to get her started again with a new group of friends and new environment.
I spoke to a counselor that works with teens and she even suggested changing schools. It is not easy to do that here though unless you move. She also suggested bringing dd in for counseling to help her learn to be more assertitive about standing up for herself. I suggested this to dd and she said she did not need counselin. Which was the response I expected. I know the typical response or advise would be to choose other friends - it is not that easy here where most other kids are doing drugs and when this little group seems to have so much control over the school. Please - help before I do something I should not because right now I am ready to explode.