Sophomore Slump, Hormones or Depressed?
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| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:29am |
~~~ LONG ~~~
I'm a bit worried about DD. She was so happy with life during her freshman year and that's just not holding true this year.
She didn't have a lot going on over the summer, socially, and I noticed she seemed down -- didn't make many efforts to get together with friends, she waited for them to contact her. I thought that once she got back in school, reconnected with friends, etc. she'd perk back up.
Last year, she jumped right into high school life with both feet -- joined clubs, went out of her way to meet people, participated in most everything, tried to eat lunch with different people every day, etc. I figured she do the same things again this year.
Hasn't happened yet. She doesn't like any of her classes this year, (except her AP class which interestingly, is the one with the biggest time and work commitment) is bored, feels like she doesn't have many friends, (and the ones she does have don't like to do anything) no social life, feels 'trapped' and depressed.
After school, she hangs out in one of the buildings with one other person, doesn't get out and socialize, watch sporting events or anything. It's like she's hiding from people. She eats with the same 3-4 people every day, hasn't tried to reconnect with friends from last year, ('they're with their 'other' friends, mom') hasn't joined any clubs, didn't attend the first Model United Nations meeting (which she participated in last year and LOVED), and the big shocker -- she got an F on her first French test. I was very calm when she told me this, didn't react at all hardly. She said French is just really hard this year. She turned down the opportunity to be on the yearbook staff (invite only) because she felt her homework load would be too much.
This all came out Friday night as I was driving her home from the football game. She had made plans to watch the game with a friend, but that fell through when the friend couldn't go to the game. I told her I would take her and her friends to dinner before the game, but most weren't even going to go the game. One girl did join us for dinner, but then went off and joined her other friends (not inviting DD) to watch the game. I told DD that sitting with me probably didn't have much appeal to a teenager! One of her male friends sat with us, but it was a bit awkward, and DD was a bit on edge. There were a few other things, so overall Friday was a pretty disappointing day for her.
I don't know what to think. I told DD that sophomore year was kind of an 'off' year in high school -- it's not the new and exciting freshman year, and not yet upperclassmen, so sophomores are just kind of stuck there, like a middle child. Also that she may have gone into school this year thinking it was going to be a repeat of last year, found it different then what she expected so feels disappointed, and also that she may have gone into this year thinking 'well, I'm not going to be here very long, so why bother?' since we're plannong on moving and didn't extend herself and make an effort like she did last year. She told me it was easy to make friends last year because she didn't know a single person!
We talked more about things and I encouraged her to see if the Drama dept still needs people for the tech crew, something she wanted to do last year but sprained her ankle instead which would force her to get out and she'd definitely meet other people. She promised me she would. I also told her I thought she should try and reconnect with some of the kids she knows locally. She told me she would over the weekend, but she didn't.
She went on a school trip to a Shakespeare Festival last year, had a great time and signed up to go again this year -- she'll be leaving on Thursday.
I'm sure her spirits will lift over the course of the trip, but I think if she slips back into the same mindset, I'd like her to see a counselor. She's a lovely young lady in most every way and I'm puzzled as to why she feels she doesn't fit in.
Any thoughts or ideas?

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Hi Julie,
Sending hugs your way. I guess I don't really have any advice, because it is sure hard to predict human nature - why at first they are happy and then they are sad. I guess a lot of it depends on how long this has been going on. My first thought was that it might be related to your pending move, but, then again, maybe it isn't (related). As long as she is talking with you, I would tend to let it go a little while longer and see if she can work her way into a more active lifestyle on her own. Maybe wait and see how it goes after she returns from the Shakespeare festival?? My dd is also behaving a little differently compared to last year, but she is a freshman, not a sophmore. But she is hanging out with a different group of kids now, and seems not to be real interested (desperate?, lol) in having a boyfriend right now (which is good!)
Anyway, I've been thinking about you!
Amelia
When are you planning on moving and how does your DD feel about the move? Maybe if the move is pretty soon, she does feel that she doesn't want to get too involved in activities, etc. because she will be disappointed to have to leave them.
Other than that, I would say look at a website that gives a list of symptoms of depression to see how many your DD has and if necessary, send her to a counsellor. I know that lack of interest in friendships and activities is one sign. But then again, teens are so complicated and moody.
My DSD (who is now in 11th grade) had a bad start to freshman year. She & her DF moved to our town before 8th grade so I knew it would take some time for her to adjust & make friends. The strange part is that 8th grade was fine, then in 9th grade, she had a total behavior change, started skipping school, did very poorly, etc. She has managed to bring up her grades (I think) but she still really has only 2 friends that she hangs around with outside of school. One of them works a lot and has a really overbearing mother who hardly ever lets her do anything. My DSD just gets sick of asking her to go places and having her say no, so she has basically stopped asking. She had an argument w/ the other girl at the beginning of the summer so they didn't see each other most of the summer. Now they have made up, but that means my DSD just about sat in the house and watched TV all summer.
As far as joining activities, forget it. They go to a big high school and there are plenty of things to do, but she doesn't join anything. Then her DF will get mad and say "this year, you have to join something" but still nothing happens. He knows it doesn't look good applying to college w/ a big blank for activites. But I actually think that besides being shy, she is probably depressed. She spent all weekend in her room, although she did say she had a sore throat on Sat. She doesn't even interact w/ members of the family. She did go to a counsellor for a time last year, but since the counsellor never spoke to my DH or me, we have no idea what was going on w/ her, and then one day, she just said she wasn't going back. IMO, it didn't seem to make any improvement in her situation.
Well, this turned out to be more about me than you, but if your DD doesn't seem to improve, I would def. take her to see someone and not let things get out of hand.
Hi Julie, here are a few thoughts (and as you know I've dealt with a depressed dd):
I wouldn't worry about one F in French, but pay close attention to the grades from here on out because a sudden drop in grades is one sign of depression.
Not joining anything could very well have to do with the impending move and "why bother" makes sense to me. However, and I do hate to tell you this, but it is possible that the pending move may be upsetting her, and she doesn't want to share that with you b/c she knows how much you'll worry. So perhaps ask her if she would like to talk to someone, that you understand how she may not always want to tell you every little thing. But if she is not interested, I wouldn't push it until she shows more signs of depression, such as:
http://www.focusas.com/Depression.html
And one last thing: I am a big believer in "balance", something that seems to be moving quickly out of favor in our society. If you look around you will see that some teens excel at having a social life in high school (like mine, to the detriment of school work -again, no balance); and some excel academically, to the detriment of a social life. I've seen this again and again with the kids who are in AP classes and push themselves hard to get into the best schools. These kids could benefit from a sense of balance, imho. Not saying your dd fits into that category but her work load has always seemed overwhelming to me. I would be too tired for friendships, too!
Just some thoughts for you....
Marie
Thanks Amelia! You just never know with teenagers, huh? I've been wondering where you've been too; glad to see you back.
I'm optimistic about the Shakespeare Festival since she had an absolute blast last year. All the Drama kids go on the trip so if she has fun there, gets to know them a little better, then works on the tech crew for the Fall production, she may feel a little better about things.
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At this point, who knows? Our house has been on the market for a little over two weeks, and no one has even come to look at it! Our realtor held an open house yesterday afternoon, but didn't leave any indication of how many people came, what the responses, reactions were, etc. I called her yesterday evening with those same questions, and she has yet to call me back. I have to admit I'm a bit annoyed about that.
Plus, DH's employer is really dragging feet about giving him a definite 'yes' or 'no' re whether or not DH will be allowed to move, transfer, etc. and retain his curent salary, grade level ...
DD actually said on Friday night that she 'just wants to move'. I told her it looked like we may be here a while and she seemed genuinely disappointed.
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I did just that over the weekend and sent her the link because it had one of those "Are You Depressed" quizzes attached. DD took it and scored a 17, which indicated mild depression. Only thing is, the quiz was really geared for adults instead of teens. I took it and scored a 30! which indicated I am suffering from severe clinical depression and need serious help, so I don't know how accurate the quiz actually is.
But you're right, I'm going to watch how things go with her for a few weeks after she gets back from her trip, see if she's feeling any better. If not, I'll definitely try and find a counselor. We have a great pediatrician whom I'm sure can give us a great recommendation.
Thanks for your input and I hope your DD gets back on track too.
Hi Marie,
Thanks for your btdt experience!
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I'm not as concerned about the F as I am about the fact she didn't really seem to care. That's just a bit out of character for her. She seems to continue to do well in her other classes, so this may be just a little hiccup.
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This may be true. She told me Friday, though, that she is ready, that she 'just wants to move' but it could be all a brave front. DD is very good about that. And she knows that I do worry, and I am pretty positive she deliberately doesn't tell me a lot of things because she doesn't want me to do just that.
I think you may be onto something there with that 'balance' thing. I think it may apply to some of her overachieving friends (the ones who are taking an extra zero period class, every AP and honors class offered and plan on careers in Cold Fusion Technology and Veterinary Medicine -- and yes, she actually has friends like this!) but DD, while bright and doing well academically, isn't quite so driven. She has one AP class (which is the only class she likes), and an advanced English class, but the rest are just regular old high school level classes.
It does seem that she does have more over-achieving type friends and they are the ones that DD claims 'never want to do anything', they don't got to football games or dances -- that sort of thing. So she hangs with that crowd somewhat, is friends with them, but isn't exactly LIKE them. She actually wants more of a social life! And that, I believe, is what has got her down -- her lack of activities outside homework. She says she is tired of always being the one to try and initiate things, but I think she may get overlooked on the invites because we live so far away from the school, kwim?
I'll look at the website you provided the link for and watch how things go after she gets back from her trip next week. Maybe she was just down because of all the disappointments she experienced Friday.
Thank you, again.
Julie
(the ones who are taking an extra zero period class, every AP and honors class offered and plan on careers in Cold Fusion Technology and Veterinary Medicine -- and yes, she actually has friends like this!) but DD, while bright and doing well academically, isn't quite so driven.
When you move, have you given any thought to putting her in a public school, but in all AP classes? I can only speak of my home town, but we have a great deal of over-achievers who get an excellent eduation in the AP classes, but maybe for someone like your dd, might also have time for some semblance of a social life!
And two weeks on the market, huh? I know that has been unheard of lately in Cali, but we sold our house right after 9/11 and it did take about 2 months but it sold! I guess we are getting back to a much more "real market" these days. Good luck and let me know what happens with the house, and the move! Btw, do you know that while the buyer has 2 weeks to back out of the deal (and we have one back out - painful), the seller does NOT? So, once you accept an offer be certain you are going to move!
It's sounds like she's having a lull in her social life. That's happened to me a couple times in the past 4 years. It's like, one day you have all these friends and a solid "group" to hang out with, and then all of a sudden, they've "split up" or are just doing different things, and it's like, "hmm... I have nobody to hang out with...". It picks back up, but the middle stage- switching groups- is awkward.
She's probably anticipating the move, and not making a huge effort to find new friends. But then again, friends in highschool aren't just something that one can even find, really...they just have to happen. But I personally would be too intrested in making new friends when I knew I'd have to leave.
If the tech crew at her school is anything like the tech crew at my school, it's absolutely a good idea. It's social and time consuming and tons of fun.
If it continues, taking her to a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea. Even though it seems like a typical teenager would be offended at being taken to a "shrink", I think alot of teenagers secretly would enjoy it.
I hope everything works out!
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Most definitely! We'd like to reduce costs all the way around. When we visited Colorado, we toured a Catholic High School in the area and found that the curriculum is a year behind what DD is doing in school here. The AP class she is taking this year is only offered to juniors in CO, and the classes she took as a freshman are on the sophomore curriculum. I don't know how that particular school would adjust for that -- put her in classes with juniors? I doubt it. But having her repeat the same courses all over again seems senseless.
Anyway, it seems like her social life issues are not so much that she doesn't have ANY time (although it is limited) but rather she does not have the social schedules and agendas other teenagers do. She doesn't seem to get many invitations and when she trieds to get some people together, they either don't want to or aren't allowed by parents. Like I said, her social life is extremely limited and that I think is the big issue here. She loves being out and about but has no one do be out and about with too often. I reminded her that 15yo's are still pretty much at the mercy of mom and dad and if mom and dad don't want to drive them, well then, the kids are stuck with that.
I just called her to remind her to go check with the tech crew leader to see what help was still needed and she totally blew me off! Said she'd 'maybe' go over! After she seemed pretty excited about the idea over the weekend and promised me she'd go do it. Ugh.
As far as the housing market, our realtor told us when we listed the house that it was a very slow time. 150+ houses for sale in our community of 12-15,000 and nothing much moving -- just price reductions! So we pretty much new it was going to be slow going. DH called me this morning to tell me the news reports that nationwide, the housing market is on an all around down-hill slide and that maybe it was God's plan for us to just stay here! Work with what we've got, be thankful for what we've got and he's got a point there, don't you think? We'll just see what happens in the next few months.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and suggestions!
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That must be what has happened! Two of the four good friends she made last year moved away over the summer and another has locked herself into a hugely demanding schedule so things must feel 'off' for her. She's not completely alone, but I think does feel lonely about how things are going this year.
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It seemeto me that we BOTH thought it was a great idea over the weekend, but when I called her to remind her to go check on this, (she asked me to) she pretty much blew me off, said that 'maybe' she'd go over! I reminded her that she'd promised to at least go check it out so I hope she does! It will be hard for me to hide my disappointment if she doesn't! A lot of the people who crew will also be on the trip later this week and it would be a great way to find new friends to do things with.
As always, it's great to hear things from a teen perspective, so thank you for your thoughts!
Edited 9/25/2006 5:59 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
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