Spreading rumors

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Spreading rumors
6
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:01am

I could use some advice on how to help my DD who is 15 with some rumors that are being spread about her by some "mean girls." My DD has been going out with her bf for about 5 months. They are good kids. My DD is quiet, but is usually well-liked and makes friends easily. One of the friends she has made this year as a freshman in HS is a girl who is a lesbian. They don't hang out outside of school, but she talks to her because they have a few classes together. I found out last night--when I found my daughter on the phone in tears--that some girls have been going around spreading the rumor that my daughter is a lesbian too. More specifically, they have been going up to her bf and telling him that he has a lesbian gf, and they are "concerned." I know my daughter, and I spoke with her again last night, and nothing could be further from the truth. She insists the bf knows this isn't true, but he's urging her to deal with these people and she doesn't know how.

From where I sit, there are 2 possibilities. First, I think these other girls--who have known him longer and who have admitted to "liking" him in the past--are jealous and want to break up the relationship. They have figured out his achilles heel because he claims to be very anti-gay (which I don't approve of). OTOH, since most of this info is coming to my DD through him, I'm wondering if it isn't a ruse to get her to be more demonstrative and to get us to loosen up our rules. He says these friends of his don't really know her because we don't allow her to hang out at his house. But my DD says that when we did let her go over there, this one girl was so flirtatious with the bf that it made her very jealous so she didn't say much.

It's so hard watching your kid go through this. Any advice on what to say? I've urged her to speak up for herself, to see a guidance counselor, to keep getting together w/ some of her old gfs....anything else?

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Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:33am

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:49am

Thanks, Janetlz. I appreciate the info. However those situations were in middle school, and this is occurring in high school. Also, this seems to be especially insidious because these girls don't really think she's a lesbian, I'm fairly certain. It's their way of trying to break up her relationship with her bf. It breaks my heart because, even though I've been cautious about this relationship from the start, she has wanted a bf for so long and they are kind of sweet together. He's a very cute boy and I know lots of girls like him, so I'm sure she was bound to come up against something like this.

But since so much of the info about the rumors is coming FROM the bf, I worry if maybe he's using this to get her to do things to prove she isn't a lesbian.

I could use some advice on these things. I think HS is a different situation from middle school. I don't see it as my place to go to the school counselor at this point. It also doesn't seem to be the kind of open bullying that was going on in those other threads. It's not like they're saying that it's bad to be a lesbian; they are whispering these things to her bf out of their "concern" for him.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 9:02am

>>She insists the bf knows this isn't true, but he's urging her to deal with these people and she doesn't know how.<<

This has me concerned. What does she think he wants her to do? There HIS friends HE should deal with it.... or tell them to kiss off and mind their own business! They are probably jealous and he is probably loving the "attention."

Does she suspect as you suspect?




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 9:37am

Bingo. She does suspect that the girls are trying to break them up. But you bring up an excellent point. He supposedly is standing up for her, but he told her that he can't always be around her, so she has to learn to handle things herself too. She said "I'm not good at dealing with people" or something like that, which got my antennas up big time because the one thing she has always been great at is her interpersonal relationships. I think this guy isn't speaking out strongly enough to his friends and I worry yet again that he is undermining her self-confidence. This is the second time that she has said she isn't good at something, which is very unlike her and which I suspect is coming directly from the bf.

He definitely loves the attention he gets from all the girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:58am

She knows she isn't. You know she isn't. Her friends know she isn't. Might be the time to do some one on one talking to her and reminding her that if these girls aren't directly confronting her, that she doesn't have to stand up to them. She doesn't have to act any differently toward them. Maybe she needs to have a little talk with her "boyfriend". Maybe she should ask him: Do you think I am? If he tells her no, then she should ask him why he's listening to these girls. Remind her gently to put it back on HIM. If he's disturbed by these girls and what they are telling him, I agree with the pp in that HE should deal with his own friends. Not, telling her that she should deal with his friends. Sounds to me like the bf needs to be sucking it up and reminding his "friends" that he knows his gf isn't a lesbian, and asking them why they are interested in the rumor that she is, unless the friends want a date with her. And, if he isn't willing to do that for her, gently remind her that maybe this isn't THE bf, but that you support her in any decision she makes in regards to her relationship with him.

Best wishes to her!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:58pm

I have to agree with the PPs that there is no reason why your DD should have to defend herself to her bf's friends. If it bothers the bf so much then he needs to tell his friends to mind their own business and back off.

But I understand how hurtful it is to see rumors being spread about your DD. My DD's a junior and this past month her ex-bf starting dating a freshman girl who started spreading rumors that DD was a slut which I thought was ridiculous considering that DD has been dating her current bf for over a year and a half. The girl was making nasty comments on DD's myspace and DD thought the whole thing was completely juvenile and tried her best to ignore it but this girl wouldn't stop. DD's bf, who is a freshman in college, ended up speaking with the ex-bf online to try and get him to talk to his gf to make her leave DD alone. But DD knew it wasn't true, her bf and her friends knew it wasn't true so she didn't really care. DD's response, or lack of response, to the whole thing really showed me just how much she has matured and things have quieted down some. I was more upset than she was about the whole thing because it is hurtful when people are mean and spread lies to try and manipulate people and their relationships, but that's what some mean teens do at that age.

Maybe your DD's lack of action is her way of thumbing her nose up at these girls and letting them know that they are not even worth her time. Hopefully she'll realize sooner than later that this boyfriend may not be the one for her.