Staying Home Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Staying Home Alone
9
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 3:16pm

I am soooo frustrated!

I have plans to go to Vegas for the weekend but my daughter broke curfew this past weekend and as her punishment, I told her she would not be allowed to stay home alone while I am gone. She doesn't know that I found out she was planning a small get together at my house and suspect they were planning on drinking. I made arrangements for her to stay with her grandma but she is refusing to go. Refusing! And she knows I can't physically make her go! I tried to reason with her, one of my friends said she could stay with her so that my daughter will be close to home and can still go out with her friends. But she is refusing to do that as well. I told her that if I get stuck staying home, I will make sure she is miserable as well and she will be grounded for the rest of the summer. She has practice on the weekdays all day, so she would be giving up the next 2 weekends. I think she doesn't take me seriously because she thinks I will let up on her.

I don't know what to do. If I skip the trip, I am out nearly $200 for a non-refundable room! Plus, I am furious at her for trying to control things.

I am thinking that I need to start the punishment now, taking away computer and grounding her. Perhaps a few days of that, and knowing it will last until school starts will shock her into agreeing to go stay elsewhere for the weekend. Should I do that? And just simply say that for refusing to go somewhere for the weekend, you are grounded from everything until school starts? I feel so out of control. And she is too stubborn to see that she is
creating a lose/lose situation. She doesn't have a job, but has a little over $100 in the bank, so I could take her money to help pay for the room as part of her punishment as well.

This is so frustrating. Especially because things have been going well lately. And it's such a fragile situation. I don't want to miss out on the one fun thing I get to do this summer, I used up my vacation time and money to pay for her friend and baby to come stay with us for 10 days. I don't want her thinking she is in control of everything, I don't want her staying home alone and having a party, and I don't want to lose my $200 or create some kind of power struggle. We have had situations before, where she has simply walked out the door and I have had to drive around looking for her. I don't want that to happen again either. She is a good kid in general, stays out of trouble but her pride and stubborness often cause problems.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry, does anyone have any suggestions??

Thanks for your help.
Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:17pm

I have two things - be calm and cool with her for starters. Call your local PD and ask if they have a check in policy... if you explain the situation, leaving out the party possibility, and ask if they could patrol frequently past your home this weekend.

Second - since she has practice I am guessing she is on a team and signed a sports contract which can mean whatever your school suggests but I am guessing that means no drinking , smoking, drugs etc... Remind her of this risk and what it means to be a woman of her word.

I think really - this is one of those places where she is testing you. Is there anyone who would be willing to go to your house and stay with her? I think this is a place where you need to be willing to take whatever financial bite you need to. Not as punishment to you but because you love her and would not want to leave her alone knowing you cannot trust her. Focus on the principles like trust, character, honor, leadership and making good choices not specific punishments.

don't let her suck you into drama - in our house the car is the magic "threat" and very effective too

good luck
Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:49pm
I like the suggestions that Courtney gave you. No you can't physically make her go to Grandma's house, but you can ask someone to come and stay at your house. I would also lay down the law about what she can and can't do while you are gone. Be sure whoever is staying knows the rules too.
I don't think you should have to lose your trip, but that is a possibility too. I absolutely wouldn't let her stay alone.
Kristie
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:22pm
I agree with the others - if you can't find someone to stay with her you might have to cancel your trip. Explain to her that as long as she makes child-like decisions she will have to be treated like a child (ie you will have to arrange for a 'babysitter'). In fact even if she does 'give in' and agree to stay with grandma I'm not sure I'd let her. She could say that and once you are gone she could refuse to go. And you certainly don't want your mom in a position to have to try to physically force her over to her house.


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

CL:
Pam
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:06pm

Do you not *want* her to know that you know about the party she has planned? If not, I'm assuming it's because you don't want her to know how you got that information. Is there any way you can tell her you know without divulging how you got the info? We live in a small town and it is very hard for *any*thing to be kept secret, so my boys would just figure the word got out and got back to me. Don't know if you could use that or not.

If she flat refuses to go to gm's, then I would lay out 2 other options. Either you hire a babysitter to stay in the house with her or you will stay home and she will have to pay you the $200 you are out by not getting to go. My guess, is she will opt to pay you the $200. By golly, if *she's* not getting what she wants, then by golly you aren't either. :) (I know all about that pride and stubborness LOL) I would just say ok, and here is how you will pay for it. If she has no job, then make her work every last penny off doing something. (I just went thru a situation with my own kid about needing to pay me and got some *wonderful* ideas from these ladies!) Whether it's *extra* chores or volunteer work, etc. see that she works it off. My kid is currently working at our local no-kill shelter. :)

If she won't go to gm's house, I'm thinking you won't have any fun at LV anyway, just for worrying about what is going on at home. So, you might as well make her pay for the $$$ you are out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:21pm

Hi Lucky13: I don't think I saw in your message how old your dd is. Anyway, I have a 16 yr daughter, and as good a kid she is, I would never leave her alone at home for a couple of days under any circumstances. First, I would be concerned if she had an emergency, she would have to handle it alone...that's a lot to deal with as a teen. I would also be very worried that she would have some friends over which could turn into the whole town crashing and becoming a full-scale party. It does happen. The minute kids get wind that a fellow teen is home alone...the pressure's on to have a party.

The fact that you dd is so upset about not staying home alone would cause me some concern. Obviously I don't know your dd, but if my dd responded that way, my red flags would be flying. Too many temptations out there.

You're the mom...just tell her that you're not taking no for an answer and she's going to Grandma's or her friend's house w/o question. If she stays with the friend, I would ask the parents what their house rules are so there is no confusion.

Besides, if your dd is staying with someone...you'll be able to have great time in Vegas and not be worrying about how she's doing.

Whatever you decide, best of luck and have a great time in Vegas.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:05pm
If she is refusing to go, then she must pay the $200 deposit that you have put down on the trip.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:31pm
I agree that I would not let DD stay at home alone especially if you have heard hints of a party. However, not knowing your or DD's history or if there are any medical concerns on your part, if all is within the norm then I would not cancel my trip to Vegas. You are the adult and the parent. Having a stubborn DD myself, who used to have violent temper tantrums, I understand that you can not physically force her to do something she refuses. But letting her control whether you go on this trip or not will not help matters IMHO. I would let her know that you are going to Vegas and give her a choice, if she continues to act like a child and refuses to go to Grandma's then as one other poster suggested, have a babysitter come to the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:25pm

Thanks everyone. I had considered having someone come stay at the house, but don't have money to pay someone and my friend that could, is allergic to cats (we have 3). My mom has obsessive compulsive disorder and I think the anxiety of staying there could push her over the edge!!

I finally just said here are your options, stay with A, B, or C, or, we both stay home and you are grounded from going out/having anyone over and from the computer for the next 2 weeks. That really bothered her since it is end of summer and all. But, she is very stubborn. I have agreed to let her stay with a friend one night and at my mom's the next. I plan on locking up the house and talking to her friend's mom filling her in on the details.

I think when I come back though, there will should be some kind of consequences for her "refusing" to do what I told her in the first place. It really angers me that she made this week such a struggle for me and for my cousin (my Vegas buddy). She is 16 for crying out loud, she doesn not get to decide! I also plan on explaining to her that if she sat me down the first day and talked to me about why she didn't want to stay there, we could have possibly come to this arrangement peacefully, 4 days ago!

Thanks again for all the feedback. And let me know if you have any other suggestions, like what the consequences should be for causing this mess!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:19pm

All I can say is good for you and also that you're still going on your trip. I think if you didn't go it could cause you problems down the road...like whose making the decisions or if I give mom a really hard time, she will change her plans.

I would hope that dd would know better than to give Grandma a difficult time. Can Grandma do some stuff with her while she's staying w/ her? Go to the movies or go out for a bite to eat? Maybe your dd, like mine would be, is just worried about being bored at Grammie's. Just a thought.

As far as how to ground her...I think you know your dd best. If you feel the best thing to do is make her stay home for a few nights, then do that. Just follow thru on it so she knows you mean it.