Step daughter war....we are so lost....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Step daughter war....we are so lost....
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Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:00pm

Wow, I have been reading this board, and can not believe what I am in for.....

Here's a little history, then the problem. I hope you other parents, in your obvious wisdom and experience, have some words of advice, encouragement, or just support! :-)

DF and I have been together for 6+ years. I have twin DDs, who turn 12y on 2/13/07. His daughter turns 13 on 2/18/07. We have a 17mo daughter together, as well.

SD and I have had a rocky relationship, but for the most part, I can't complain. She used to ask to accompany me places when she knew her father would not be with us. She was very involved in our pregnancy, and all three of the girls attended our waterbirth of the baby. She used to confide in me, and was a very open, loving, caring, mature for her age little girl.

DF and his ex never co-parented very well. ex would call the shots, DF would be subject to her decisions. My first real memory of meeting her was when we took SD home at age 6 after the weekend with us, and SD ran to her mom for a hug. The mom says, "Get out of my ass" and pushed her away. Since then, I have observed this woman not being a mother to her daughter - she, instead, treats her as a friend. She confides adult situations to her, she talks to her as an adult, and she unloads and vents her life and problems to the poor kid. Three years ago, DF decided he wanted more time with his daughter. Daughter decided the same, and told mom and dad together that she wanted to move in with dad. Mom said no, and dad filed a motion in the court. End result, the child had a Guardian ad Litem (her own attorney) who made a recommendation to the court. GAL almost recommended sole custody to dad because of mom's control issues, she stated verbally to dad's attorney, but her written recommendation was shared custody, exchange the child each Friday after school, keep her for a week, give her to the other parent, etc. Mom has never liked me, to say the least. She has sat in my driveway with SD and DF and told me, "I hate you, and don't want you to be part of my daughter's life."

In Jan. 2006 we took a long family vacation to FL and on a Disney Cruise with my parents and uncle, and had a wonderful time. SD was with us, as were the other girls as well. In July, 2006, my aunt added SD to a college fund she had established for the children I birthed, because she is such a great kid, with an obviously strong bond with me, DF, and the other children. They could see that she was an important part of our family, and even with DF and I not being married (with no more plan to marry than Brad and Angelina), they still chose to include her, to the tune of $30,000.

GAL also recommended counseling. Mom chose counselor, and SD had 2 sessions in early Sept. 2006. On 9/11/06, SD and I were home without DF, with the other children. This was not a rare occurance, and there were never problems before. SD and DD had a confrontation, I intervened once the volume got out of control, and the night ended with "I hate you" "you're not my mom" "shut up" being screamed in my face. I took her downstairs to shield the other 3 from her tirade, and while calling her father for backup, covered her mouth for mere moments to muffle her continued screams at me.

DF had her mother pick her up, and she has not returned home until this week on 1/16/07. Between now and then, they have filed abuse allegations, which were dismissed, protection order against me, which was dismissed, and in December a police report for battery, which the prosecuting attorney has declined prosecution of. I firmly believe SD's rampage was a result of the counseling, which quickly became an open forum for bashing our family, and me personally. Hindsight supports this theory. The counselor refused to hold SD accountable for her part in the incident, and has enabled the placing of blame, instead the shared responsibility on both the child and myself. Counseling has stopped with this woman, but not until the damage had been done. Attempts with a new counselor have been horribly unsuccessful, and resulted us in going 10 steps back, instead of even one step forward.

Finally, this week, DF has decided enough is enough. he brought home SD, basically kicking and screaming, and we have been subjected to two nights of mad rampages from her. however, each night has ended peacefully, and we have been able to catch a glimpse of the little girl we love and miss. she has said hateful, horrible things, which could only have come from her mother and her feelings for me. She has said to her father the following:

-I don't need you, I need my mom
-This isn't my home. It's just a building that means nothing to me
-If you make me stay here, there will be consequences. You won't like what I do to myself, and it will be all your fault
-You should stop being so fake and see that everything is not about you
-I don't care about you or what you want. There is no reason to keep me here. I don't belong here
-You abandoned me
-You aren't even upset or crying, so obviously you don't care about me

Regardless of all of this, we are keeping her home, trying to find the lost, scared little girl we love. But it seems so unhealthy to allow her to put herself through the tirade that starts our evening. Our other children are subject to this, now, too, and that is not fair to them at all. The baby has been in a panic because she remembers and loves her sister. She has been able to play with SD about 2 hours out of the time she has been with us in 2 days, and loved every moment, but to subject her to the anger and yelling beforehand hardly seems worth it. We protect her very carefully from anger and high negative emotions because she picks up on everything so well. SD has made that impossible.

Can we force her to stay home with us? DF is allowing one phone call to her mom each evening, under mild supervision, but I am sure the phone calls are not supportive or positive in any way. I am afraid they will be or are being used for more poisoning against dad and our family.

Obviously there is more to tell, but I hate long posts like this. I just had to lay as much groundwork as I can to try to get some relevant input. SD is the reason I need spyware on my computer. We set up each child with email, and said as long as we have the password, they can have email. SD's mom helped her change the password, and began sending adult emails to her. Now the mom has set up an alternative email for SD which was kept secret from us. I have deep concerns about the content of emails in that account, and DF agrees that this needs to be accessed.

I would love to have some help in this. SD has had several detentions in school since September, which never happened before. Her attitude is shot, and she has become a negative, angry, sad, hateful, mean, selfish, lying, manipulative person. I miss our girl, and want to get her back, but DF is afraid of the damage we may do in trying to find her, if she does not want to be found. HELP!!!

xxoo
muggle

Edited 1/18/2007 4:24 pm ET by muggle93




Edited 1/18/2007 4:29 pm ET by muggle93

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:05pm

OMG, the first thing that came to my mind was, an old saying by my mother. If you hear something (repetively) it starts to become real in your own mind. she is hearing so much from her mother , she does'nt know what the truth is any more.

although when I was in school (eons ago lol)I watched my friends lead astray a very good girl , in a split family. They showed her how to manipulate both sides (since there was very little conversation between the ex's)

As far as the internet goes , Put guardian soft ware on , it records all , including passwords.

sorry not more help , good luck.

Hugs
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:34pm

If I were in your situation, I'd be tempted to check with an attorney and see if you'd be able to get full custody. If so, I'd go for it and see what I could do, including councelling with my own councellor (I know I'm not spelling that right). If I could not get custody, and you had to continue joint custody, I'm not sure what I would do. Probably, if it were me, I'd cut her free. She wants her mom, let her go. Why fight it? If you're not going to be legally able to, why fight? I hate to say it, but why bang your head against a wall if it's not going to get you anywhere? Let her mom have to put up with it. Before long, mom's going to get tired of it and she's going to want to dump her on you anyway. And, maybe when that happens then she'll be open to listening. I know, some other parents are probably going to say that's pretty heartless, but I'm being realistic. As PP mentioned, she's had this drilled into her for the last few months. She's already tried to drag you through the mud, why let SD and her mom do more damage to your and DH's children.

My DH as son same age as my oldest DD. He hasn't seen him in 1.5 years, and we live in the same county. Last time he was in my home his mom called me at work and harrassed me at work for thankfully the last time. She was good at doing that. She hates my guts too, oh well. DSS would leave our home (only about 2x a year) and go run and tell mommy all that was going on in our home. I told DH I would not allow that in my home and wasn't going to put up with calls at work anymore. I hope when he turns 18 he will be willing to have an adult relationship with his dad and with his siblings here, but until then I have the right to protect my children from abusive treatment by his mom. I know since then she and her turned 18 dd went to file sexual assault charges against my DH from years back. I also believe she was the one who called in an abuse allegation against my DH that stated my DD13 said he did some things to her. Now, keep in mind I have a very vocal teen daughter who would have no problem telling me if DH was the type of man to do those things. But, I do trust my DH and we had a discussion about things of that sort when we first became serious. And, from my own experiences I know to keep a watchful eye out.

(We've got a friend who had custody of his DD12, he lives with his mom and dad. His ex decided she wanted to be full custody parent and had DD say there was fighting in the house so she could win. At the age of 12 the attorney told them she would be allowed to go with whichever parent she decided. She wanted mom.)

Best wishes to you!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 10:59pm

I've never been in this situation but I will make a few comments, if you don't mind.

Firstly if you have software on your pc that logs passwords/emails etc., DO NOT erase the history and ensure that if your SD's mom is sending her inappropriate notes that you have a record of it -- just to cover yourself. May help with future custody decisions.

Secondly alot of kids go through emotional upheaval in their teens and for girls esp between the ages of 12 and 14. Even in the most stable of families you get alot of slammed doors, and tearful shouts of "I hate you" and "You don't love me" and "You don't understand". Heck my dd did that ALOT at that age and she had both parents around!

So could be that your SD is going through normal teenage hormonal issues and that mom is simply fueling the fire.

My suggestion is to continue treating her as you would treat any of your biological children: punish her as you see fit, love her unconditionally, communicate the same expectations as you would with your other daughters and....don't give in to the emotional blackmail and tirades. Eventually you will come through this period and hopefully she will look back on it and be grateful that you treated her like your own child. Or...maybe she won't. Maybe she'll become bitter and manipulative as her mother. But you will have at least given it the best effort you could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:39am

Thank you, everyone, for your input. Last night she did not have to be carried into the home, but she did refuse to be in the same room as me. This nearly cost her the opportunity to eat dinner, which I think is fine, as it's a natural consequence to the decision she made. DF asked her twice to come down and eat, she refused. He finally went back up, and told her to do it, and she did. She was pleasant, and cheerful, and even looked at me a few times - NOT IN FEAR.

DF told me in private that it was obvious that I was angry, and he did not want me to have any negativity, and asked that I lose my anger while she is around. I refused, and told him that I have a right to my feelings. She is trying to control what room I can be in so that she can go anywhere she wants in my home, she has not ever apologized, while I have several times, I need to be allowed my feelings.

I reminded him I am working my tail off, which includes putting my other three children in positions and situations they do not deserve, to help him get her back, so the very least he can allow me is my feelings.

SD asked him later that night why we were whispering in the bedroom - he told her I am still very angry with her. I was proud of him for that, and told him that I appreciated it very much.

As to the custody, funny thing. I work for a divorce attorney. I am the paralegal, and counsel our clients through parenting issues all day long. And I am good at it. Until it comes to my own family, of course. I have given DF my take and input, but he doesn't really listen until it's too late. Typical!! LOL

We are discussing going for custody, and believe that the evidence would justify a change, and my boss - the attorney - has committed to helping us accomplish this. But that poses a very good question... do I really want her in my home full time? I hate to say it, but no. However, it's not about what I want, is it? At this point, this child is lost, and she is screwing up her whole future because of this. I feel partly responsible because I was the only adult involved in the original incident, of course. I'm also looking at what kind of person she could turn out to be if this is not stopped. She has messed up her college option from my family, because she will not get one dime so long as she is acting this way, so her only other chance for college is her grades and school accomplishments. These have gone down the tubes since all of this started. This will end up effecting her whole life.

I am fighting so hard to help get her back, and I don't know when to call it quits. I don't want to give up on her, but do I give up on myself and my other children while fighting for her?? How do we decide when to fight, and when not to?

DF is considering letting her go back to her mom's tonight, for the entire week, and trying to follow the "normal" week to week schedule they had before. I think it's a horrible idea. She will have all weekend with her mom for more poisoning and whatever else, where she has only had a few hours for 3 days with dad after school. We have even argued about it this morning, so I have to step back and tell him I don't care anymore. I don't know what else to do!!

Thanks again.... *sigh*

muggle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:06am


(((Muggle)))

I've heard stuff like this before and I hate to say it but this kind of thing happens more often than we'd like to believe. While I don't know all the facts and don't wish to appear out of line in this suggestion, I suspect that your SD's mother may be mentally ill. Why? Because of my experiences with a few people close to me (MIL has many symptoms of BPD). If I can suggest you google Borderline Personality Disorder or check out this site:

www.bdpcentral.com

There's a message board which has topics dealing with the issues of Parents and Step-Parents of children who are dealing either directly or indirectly with a mentally ill person. If nothing else, hopefully some of the resources cited here and suggestions by others who are facing co-parenting challenges may be of some help. It sounds like you and your partner are united in the way you're dealing with some of these issues and that's great - so many times

I know that these days there seems to be a rush to "label" inappropriate behavior as mental illness, however, I think even with what you've just said (projection, "splitting", paranoia) there could be reason for concern. and this is ALL being dumped on your SD. Being a teen is hard enough without dealing with instability from a parent.

Blessings and best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:33am

What a fantastic suggestion. I have mentioned mental instability to him, implying that the mother is ill, but I was never really serious - just angry.

Thank you!

xxoo
muggle

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:22pm

I would be very cautious about going down the road of suggesting that the mother is mentally ill w/o any proof. She could just be angry & manipulative.

As far as the question of whether you fight to have custody of the girl or just let her go to her mother's that's a pretty difficult one and I wouldn't know what to decide. It does seem pretty strange that you were all getting along well for a long period of time and then after one argument, now she has been convinced to hate you? Perhaps she sees the period of time that she was not coming over your house and evidence that you and/or her father don't really care about her? Have the 2 of you ever been in a counselling session together? Maybe that would be a good idea since the issue really seems to be more about you than her father. Yes, you do have some right to be angry, but you, as the adult, need to get over it. I have had some arguments w/ my 17 yo DD that really burn me up at the time, but we do talk about it and get over it pretty quickly. It might be a little harder w/ a 13 yo, but instead of talking to her father about it and having him relay the message, why don't you talk to her directly and say what's on your mind? You can say that you expect her to follow the same rules as everyone else in the family, you won't tolerate screaming, etc. but that both you & her dad love her and want her around and if she has a problem, she can talk to the 2 of you about it.

I know that this can really stress you out. I am a divorce lawyer too. This reminds me of a case I had years ago. The father (who was a soccer coach in the league my DD played in) wanted custody of his DD, who was about 14. I didn't realize at first how manipulative this guy was. I don't know whether he convinced the girl to say she had a bad mother, or whether she thought this on her own, but he eventually did get custody and I don't think the mother even had visitation. Well, maybe she had it on paper, but the girl gave her such a hard time when she visited that finally the mother said forget it, if you don't want to come, you don't have to. Can you believe that later on the father was complaining that the mother didn't want to see the girl? I said to him "well, isn't that what you wanted and were trying to do--to keep the girl away from her mother?" So while I think that in your situation the mother may be trying to poison the girl against you, that if the father totally gives in and doesn't see her, then she will hold it against him later as proof that he didn't want her. You can't win.

I do think it's very important to reiterate to her that you both love her and want her to be a part of the family, though. A couple of years ago, my DH was having trouble w/ his DD, who was then 14 or 15. One night, he ended up slapping her, which was totally inappropriate. Well, she told her grandmother, who called Social Services. The GM also went to court to try to get guardianship (her mother died). My DH would say things like "you can go and live w/ your GM and then if you want to come back, I won't let you." which I thought were just terrible. (The end result was that she lived w/ GM for the summer, then came home.) I do feel bad for a child who is in the middle of a battle between parents and I do think that you should continue w/ family counselling. Hopefully you can find one who is good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:49pm

You have great suggestions. We have attended counseling all together - DF, me and SD, and it was a disaster. SD nearly hyperventilated and tried running from the room. I would love to sit and talk to her, and DF will have to be there, as I refuse to be alone with her and open myself to more allegations. I thought this weekend would be good for that, but if he gives her back to her mother tonight, that's lost. The evenings have been so full of her hatred and tirades, that there is no time to try to talk. I have to focus on the other kids in the evenings, make dinner, nurse the baby, etc., and there just is not any opportunity once she calms down. We are hopeful that her tirades will decrease over time, but with a full week back at her mother's, I don't see that happening any time soon! We will be back 10 more steps when we try again.

I even met her at DF's parent's house to try to talk, and I gave her a fantastic apology for my part in that evening, and said I'm sorry this has happened to our family, I'm sorry I got angry and reacted the way I did, I love you and invite you home. I even asked her to come home and told her she did not have to apologize immediately, that we would get to that in time. The next day she said she could not go back to her grandparent's house, because I was there, and she "didn't feel safe."

*sigh*

I'll see if I can talk him into keeping her this weekend, and try to make some headway then. Thank you, again and again!!

xxoo
muggle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:24pm

You probably don't want to hear this, but I think you're feeding your own problem. Even in homes where the parents are happily married and very involved and supportive of their kids, 12 and 13 y/os act like shrews. SD has so much turmoil going on now, how else would she behave? Somebody has got to put on their big girl panties, get over it, and move on in order for this to stop, and being as you're the adult, I guess that's going to have to be you. That means no more evil looks, no more glares, no more yelling, no more angry behavior. Yes it's hard - I raised a 12 y/o shrew. But if I'd have expected her to apologize whenever she was behaving like a shrew, we'd still not be talking, and she's 15 1/2 now. Oh, she apologizes NOW, but at 12 it never happened. There were many times then that I wished she had another mom to send her to, and so did DH, but we didn't have that option of giving up, so we had to plug thru it. Kids who feel like nobody cares, like their parents have given up on them end up very angry and in a really bad place.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 9:09am

Sorry you're going through this. I once had a 13 y.o. SS. He was uncontrollable and there were times I had to call his father at work to come home. For example, he would light firecrackers in the house and throw them around. Just when I thought I'd collected them all, he'd light some more. He accidentally broke my son's arm when they were playing where they'd just been told not to. (my son was 5 at the time.)

It's definitely not easy... but please don't start making decisions about college money at this age. You say her behavior now will affect her whole life. Well, I hope not, and that everyone will pull through this, but don't project her behavior now into punishments 5 years down the road. Please let some of the anger go...

And fwiw, I don't see anything terribly wrong with putting your hand over her mouth if she's screaming and upsetting the others, especially the baby. I could see myself doing that! Except my son was already over 6 ft. at age 13, lol.

zz

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