Step daughter war....we are so lost....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Step daughter war....we are so lost....
11
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:00pm

Wow, I have been reading this board, and can not believe what I am in for.....

Here's a little history, then the problem. I hope you other parents, in your obvious wisdom and experience, have some words of advice, encouragement, or just support! :-)

DF and I have been together for 6+ years. I have twin DDs, who turn 12y on 2/13/07. His daughter turns 13 on 2/18/07. We have a 17mo daughter together, as well.

SD and I have had a rocky relationship, but for the most part, I can't complain. She used to ask to accompany me places when she knew her father would not be with us. She was very involved in our pregnancy, and all three of the girls attended our waterbirth of the baby. She used to confide in me, and was a very open, loving, caring, mature for her age little girl.

DF and his ex never co-parented very well. ex would call the shots, DF would be subject to her decisions. My first real memory of meeting her was when we took SD home at age 6 after the weekend with us, and SD ran to her mom for a hug. The mom says, "Get out of my ass" and pushed her away. Since then, I have observed this woman not being a mother to her daughter - she, instead, treats her as a friend. She confides adult situations to her, she talks to her as an adult, and she unloads and vents her life and problems to the poor kid. Three years ago, DF decided he wanted more time with his daughter. Daughter decided the same, and told mom and dad together that she wanted to move in with dad. Mom said no, and dad filed a motion in the court. End result, the child had a Guardian ad Litem (her own attorney) who made a recommendation to the court. GAL almost recommended sole custody to dad because of mom's control issues, she stated verbally to dad's attorney, but her written recommendation was shared custody, exchange the child each Friday after school, keep her for a week, give her to the other parent, etc. Mom has never liked me, to say the least. She has sat in my driveway with SD and DF and told me, "I hate you, and don't want you to be part of my daughter's life."

In Jan. 2006 we took a long family vacation to FL and on a Disney Cruise with my parents and uncle, and had a wonderful time. SD was with us, as were the other girls as well. In July, 2006, my aunt added SD to a college fund she had established for the children I birthed, because she is such a great kid, with an obviously strong bond with me, DF, and the other children. They could see that she was an important part of our family, and even with DF and I not being married (with no more plan to marry than Brad and Angelina), they still chose to include her, to the tune of $30,000.

GAL also recommended counseling. Mom chose counselor, and SD had 2 sessions in early Sept. 2006. On 9/11/06, SD and I were home without DF, with the other children. This was not a rare occurance, and there were never problems before. SD and DD had a confrontation, I intervened once the volume got out of control, and the night ended with "I hate you" "you're not my mom" "shut up" being screamed in my face. I took her downstairs to shield the other 3 from her tirade, and while calling her father for backup, covered her mouth for mere moments to muffle her continued screams at me.

DF had her mother pick her up, and she has not returned home until this week on 1/16/07. Between now and then, they have filed abuse allegations, which were dismissed, protection order against me, which was dismissed, and in December a police report for battery, which the prosecuting attorney has declined prosecution of. I firmly believe SD's rampage was a result of the counseling, which quickly became an open forum for bashing our family, and me personally. Hindsight supports this theory. The counselor refused to hold SD accountable for her part in the incident, and has enabled the placing of blame, instead the shared responsibility on both the child and myself. Counseling has stopped with this woman, but not until the damage had been done. Attempts with a new counselor have been horribly unsuccessful, and resulted us in going 10 steps back, instead of even one step forward.

Finally, this week, DF has decided enough is enough. he brought home SD, basically kicking and screaming, and we have been subjected to two nights of mad rampages from her. however, each night has ended peacefully, and we have been able to catch a glimpse of the little girl we love and miss. she has said hateful, horrible things, which could only have come from her mother and her feelings for me. She has said to her father the following:

-I don't need you, I need my mom
-This isn't my home. It's just a building that means nothing to me
-If you make me stay here, there will be consequences. You won't like what I do to myself, and it will be all your fault
-You should stop being so fake and see that everything is not about you
-I don't care about you or what you want. There is no reason to keep me here. I don't belong here
-You abandoned me
-You aren't even upset or crying, so obviously you don't care about me

Regardless of all of this, we are keeping her home, trying to find the lost, scared little girl we love. But it seems so unhealthy to allow her to put herself through the tirade that starts our evening. Our other children are subject to this, now, too, and that is not fair to them at all. The baby has been in a panic because she remembers and loves her sister. She has been able to play with SD about 2 hours out of the time she has been with us in 2 days, and loved every moment, but to subject her to the anger and yelling beforehand hardly seems worth it. We protect her very carefully from anger and high negative emotions because she picks up on everything so well. SD has made that impossible.

Can we force her to stay home with us? DF is allowing one phone call to her mom each evening, under mild supervision, but I am sure the phone calls are not supportive or positive in any way. I am afraid they will be or are being used for more poisoning against dad and our family.

Obviously there is more to tell, but I hate long posts like this. I just had to lay as much groundwork as I can to try to get some relevant input. SD is the reason I need spyware on my computer. We set up each child with email, and said as long as we have the password, they can have email. SD's mom helped her change the password, and began sending adult emails to her. Now the mom has set up an alternative email for SD which was kept secret from us. I have deep concerns about the content of emails in that account, and DF agrees that this needs to be accessed.

I would love to have some help in this. SD has had several detentions in school since September, which never happened before. Her attitude is shot, and she has become a negative, angry, sad, hateful, mean, selfish, lying, manipulative person. I miss our girl, and want to get her back, but DF is afraid of the damage we may do in trying to find her, if she does not want to be found. HELP!!!

xxoo
muggle

Edited 1/18/2007 4:24 pm ET by muggle93




Edited 1/18/2007 4:29 pm ET by muggle93

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:51am

The list of things she screamed tells me she felt abandoned after the 9-11 incident. I would expect a 12 yr old TO feel abandoned after 4 mos of not seeing her father. I know there were legal issues and hurt feelings of injustice on your part but she is a child-she doesnt get that nor should she be expected to at her age. All she knows is that her daddy didnt come get her and he didnt cry or act upset about what was happening(pretty much her words, correct?)

You need to keep bringing her into your home on the same schedule you were before the incident; its going to take time. It took 4 months to get in this predicament so I would expect 4 months to be the bare minimum it will take to get out of this predicament

I also would have her visits focus on DF for now. They need to be doing special things together, perhaps even going off to dinner and the arcade without the rest of you. The relationship that matters is the one with DF-I wouldnt even worry about repairing your relationship with her(in terms of evening 'talks')until things are 100% with DF

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