step mom help plz
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| Fri, 01-27-2006 - 11:01am |
I have met a wonderful man, the trouble i have is the children ( 13 and 15 both boys). I really dont know how to put alot of this into words as far as needing help goes and i am sure lots of ppl have some trouble starting new relationships with someone that has children from a relationship before but here goes i will try.
SP and I have been dating for about 10 months been engaged for about 5 months he says he really wants to marry me but like i said it is the boys. They do everything to agravate both of us to a fight stage. It got so bad that i missed a family vacation i helped plan because of the fighting that was going on i went to my mothers to stay for a few weeks. SP said that he would try to get things set for me to come back working out the troubles that have been going on. what caused it was Cp thought he could lie to his dad about something when i stepped in to tell his dad cp was lying cp started yelling at me and it ended up in a yelling match then he used that to tell his dad that he spends to much time with me and not them, which they exclude me from alot of it when we plan to do something they make it unbarable for everyone if they dont like it. so now the rule is i can not say things to the children if anything bothers me, but when i do say something to him about it like children cleaning there rooms or leaving dishes around for me to pick up or trash ect he thinks i am complaning to much about them they have no choirs and sit and watch tv or play games all day. Then they want this or want that he even blames me for his money troubles and that he can not afford to spend 5,000 dollars on a car he promised his older one when he got his license, i told him sometimes when things happen you dont expect like me coming into the relationship you might not be able to keep somethings you promised before it.
I get along with the youngest to an extent but he takes his brothers side when he thinks it is best for him to do so. I have told sp that if we had some time alone with out the kids at least every other week maybe things would be better but we never get it. I understand kids come first in every thing but there is a line i would think if you want to have a healthy relationship. i really dont know what more i could say to explain all this my head is in a cloud because of all this and i have nobody really to talk to about this .. how can i make him understand anything i am trying to say
i have even thought about telling him that if he wants to make this work maybe we should wait till his kids leave the nest to start this up again, he has also been with his boys without someone in the relationship like this anyway for over 10 years so they boys got to do and get anything they wanted. anyway dont know what else to say hope someone can help me with this i am
at the end of my rope

First question you must ask yourself is how much work are willing to put into making this relationship work? It sounds to me, based on what you posted, that you are the one who will be making the biggest concessions. And that's not called a partnership; not what a healthy relationship is made up of, IMO.
It also seems to me that perhaps your BF is NOT spending enough 'quality' time alone with his boys....so they don't try to guilt him when he spends time with you. It also sounds like his boys have ruled the roost for quite some time now and you're the newbie...the outsider....the villain....the nemesis.
I suppose with FULL family counseling, many of the issues can be worked out - but it's going to take a lot of cooperation, compromise and full participation, as well as you and BF sitting down together first and creating some guidelines and schedules...then sitting down with the boys for a family meeting and agreeing on those guidelines and schedules. Being a family means compromising at times and since you would be a step family situation, there are many different relationship dynamics not found in a regular nuclear type family. Those things need to be addressed head on with no slacking. It's a lot of work and it will take a lot of time.
That said, I think that you need to remember that you're still technically only dating. It sounds like you've moved very fast to the engaged stage and that's a lot for kids to absorb and react without hostility or angst at the least. I also think you really only have 3 options: 1) Work together as a family real hard and make things work with MUCH patience; 2) Deal with it - shut up and just deal with (not an option IMO really); 3) RUN - run as fast as you can! There are many men out there without all this drama.
I hope I've helped.
As for the spending more time with them he does spend time with them they go out and play basketball before dinner, shoot guns or four wheel they even spend a few hours every couple of days playing video games I i dont know maybe it is better i run for the hills i am not one that will keep my mouth shut and well kills me that i have to at this time..
i know he loves me and we rushed but had known each other for a while before that as friends i just never had to spend much time with the kids like this. There is so much to say about what goes on that i dont like but guess i have to deal with it and hope all this time i got to put up with this it is worth it in the end when we do get our time alone..
ty for your answer to this
H&R has already given you some great advice about your options so I won't repeat that but I have two other things to say:
I have never been in a blended family situation but I feel that the kids should come first here especially because Dad is basically the only parent they have. With these boys' ages the typical teen problems will probably get worse before they get better. Given their current reception of you, by the time you all get things straightened out it could be about time for them to leave for college.
But the thing that put up a red flag for me was your comment "he even blames me for his money troubles". Unless you are spending *his* money frivolously I don't know why it is your fault. I would look beyond the problems with the kids to see why your fiance blames you for his problems. Will he later blame you for problems with his sons or other areas in his life?
I can't tell you if you should run for the hills but at least keep your eyes wide open to the difficulties that you will encounter if you decide to stay.