Stepchild/Biochild Having Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
Stepchild/Biochild Having Sex
10
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:49pm
For those who are willing to touch this, any info is appreciated.
The story goes from present to past.
My husband and I just found out last night that his son and my daughter had sex more than once. There are several things I find disturbing about this situation and I am sure you all will to. Therefore, making this entire situation for us completely sickened and disturbed.
First of all, lets talk about the ages involved. My daughter is 13/14 in January. My stepson is 16/17 this month Sept. The age difference all by itself makes my stomach turn. My daughter came to me several times in the last couple of weeks asking me if she looked pregnant. I have talked to her about sex, she has always told me she had never had sex until last night, and that came out in a round about, set up way. I said to her, "why do you think you could possibly be pregnant if you are not having sex"? She said she had sat down on the toilet seat and there was something white and slimy on it and it got on her panties, this immediately led me to believe this child has had sex now I need to find out the "real" story. I said to her, "you know I can take you to the doctor and have them check you to see if you have had sex don't you"? She said yes. So from there on she told me she had sex once, I asked her with whom and she reluctantly told me her stepbrother. We all live in the same house and have for four years. From there is went from once to 6 or 7 times. I asked all the questions, did you use pretection? Who instigated this? Did he force himself on you? Where did this take place? Have you had your period since? Have you had sex with him since your last period? Now to me, this this sounds like it was mostly consentual, however, she did tell me he said he would tell on her for smoking, (which we already knew) if she didn't have sex with him.
Now, on top of this already disgusting situation I must let you all know my daughter is bipolar, ADHD and is in a behavior school, takes three different kinds of medication and sees a therapist once per week. My concern and anger grows deeper. This kid I know already does not like me, he does not like my girls, this has never been a secret in our home, he and I have never been close even though I have tried. His mother has never been in the picture. So I already know he is jealous of us and that we take his dad's time away from him. There are 7 of us total in the family.
My daughter has many emotional issues already, not only due to her disorders but her father committed suicide 4 years ago. She has always held a grudge towards my husband and his son. So after finding this out, now I can see why. My husband has stood by me through everything with her. Treatment, hospitalizations, school problems, you name it. He does love her, its apparent. She is very hard to be around most of the time. Shes hateful, paranoid, mean, selfish amoung many other things that I thought came from being bipolar. I have to wonder how much of her animosity towards my husband has to do with all of this now? Maybe, in her mind she wanted him to make his son stop but couldn't because she couldn't tell us without the fear of being in trouble, which I will admit, she is ALOT! Patience is non existant in our home when it comes to her. Not only from me and my husband but her siblings as well. She is just abusive, daily, to everyone. Even if you haven't spoken to her she comes out of the blue to make you miserable. She has told us numerous times she wanted to make my husband and I split up. But the part that leads me to believe that this was consentual is that whenever we were going to go somewhere even if it was out to eat at her fav place, she would opt to stay home knowing her stepbrother was there. If she didn't encourage this behavior why would she not want to get away from him as much as possible? I can not blame her for this. Her judgement is clouded by her disorders most of the time in everyday life, why would this be any different?
I do however, blame him. He's almost an adult. He is very reclusive, immature and sneaky. There have been situations in the past where his dad and I have wondered if he doesn't have problems himself. He is so different because he doesn't back talk when you ask him to do something, he just does it, and my girls hate this because they are very outspoken when they are displeased about something they have to do. So, its always been kind of the non spoken presumption to them that he acts better and doesn't cause as much trouble as everyone else because he doesn't act up alot. Don't get me wrong, he has done stuff to the girls, minor stuff with the law, but not on a daily basis like the girls do. But I try to make sure they do not see it like that, but its hard to do when he simply does not get into trouble like they do. I guess I feel like one has to see this whole picture to make the call in this instance. I am trying to handle this adult like. I did not get mad, or yell, which was to everyones surprise. Neither did my husband. This is far more serious of a situation and could never be handled that way. My daughter is always looked at as the trouble maker by everyone. In this case, I do not see her that way. I view her as the victim considering her mental state and age. So, my husband and I have stuck very close on this one, talking about every feeling we feel at any given moment about this. He knows I have never trusted his son. I have always had that gut feeling about him, and always made my husband aware that I felt this way. Its like, this is what had to happen for him to see the real son he has. But I am not rubbing it in. He and I know that this could destroy our entire family if we do not handle it appropriately.
So, other than the obvious, what are we do do about this? I feel like I am living with a child sexual predator, and if put in front of a court room, that is exactly what he would be labeled. Forever! I don't want him in our home. I fear for my other girls as well as my daughter in this situation.
When my husband confronted him about this he was very calm and admitted to it stating it was a consentual decision. My husband asked him what he thought of the idea of prison and being labeled "sexual predator" for th rest of his life? I honestly think he tries to make his dad think he cares or may change, but in my gut I know he doesn't give a flying blank blank about anyone but himself and even that is a question.
This is what she will remember for the rest of her life. I am devastated. Numb. Empty. Sick. Trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out how much of her problems are because of THIS! I love my family and my husband very much. We have worked hard to get where we are now and overcome sooo many obstacles. I know we can get though this too. But I do not want to live my life worrying every moment we are not at home with our kids that my stepson is molesting one of them. I know this is long, but if anyone has an outlook on this they wish to share feel free, but please, don't bash me or my family. We try hard and take good care of our kids. I need productive responses.
I have already set my daughter up to see the doctor to be checked for everything under the sun, including pregnancy. I also gave her a preg test this morning which came back neg. I intend to get her on birth control at the same time. I just need to hear from others on this sensitive situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 3:47pm

I don't know if I have any good advice for you but I can give you some moral support. What they are doing is reprehensible for sure. Despite the fact that they are not biologically related they still have lived together, like brother and sister, for years. And one would hope that relationship alone would have prevented any sexual activity.

But I guess it hasn't now and you have to deal with it. Certainly your dd needs to be checked by a physician to ensure there hasn't been any impact from this relationship. Hopefully she will be physically okay although I don't know whatthings will be like for her emotionally and psychologically now that she has experienced this.

I don't know what things are like where you live but certainly, here where I live, legally this sort of thing would not result in charges or prison. Because they are close in age here it would not be a chargeable offence. But that doesn't make it right...I know. Its just a different perspective on the issue because these things are more moral and ethical issues than legal ones in many places.

It sounds to me though that this was a purely physical thing -- not emotional. That is, it doesn't sound like they are in love, which could happen by the way.

Somehow though you need to keep these two kids apart. Of course they need to know that what they did is no longer acceptable to you. I don't know if you have any options of separating them but this cannot be healthy for either of them. How would your dd move past this if he's always there in the same house? And its very likely she enjoyed the sexual experience and may be tempted to do it again.

Anyway, whatever you figure out, good luck to you and no bashing from me that's for sure. All families have their challenges.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 3:48pm

Wow...and many hugs. I really feel sorry that your family is going through this right now. How difficult. I can only say what I would do, of course, but you have to figure out what works best for you and your family.

I think you ought to have a private session with HER counselor to help you put some of this into perspective. Due to the difference in ages and due to all the traumatic changes and incidents in BOTH children's lives, there is more going on than her BP or his reclusiveness here. I would ask her counselor for the name of a qualified counselor very exerienced in step famlies and sexual assault and see them ASAP.

I would immediately try and find stepson a place to stay outside of your home. Is there a trusted family member or close friend he could stay with?

The fact is your dd is a minor and even if it was consensual it would still be viewed by the law as an assault or at the very least statutory rape. Even if she was crying in a pool of her own tears over it, he could be arrested and sent to jail over this. Sad, but true. I don't think that you're dd is mature enough or intelligent enough to know or realize that this is or was inappropriate. On some base level he let her know he cared for her or wanted her and she, perhaps feeling deprived of this feeling on some level, went for it. It's so common, especially in step families and with children who've lost a parent.

That said, the only other option would be to turn him over to the authorities, get him a lawyer and prove some kind of mental defect and hope that all he gets is probation with mandatory therapy or time spent in a mental health institution, but I doubt that will happen. More like he will see jail time due to his age and the fact that they had actual intercourse and not just inappropriate contact.

I really feel for you - I'm so sorry you're facing these issues. My dd has behaved inapprorpriately and gotten herself into many difficult situations with some dire consequences and it's not always easy to hold them up as a saint when something like this happens. I know, I've been there. OTOH, above all, you want both of these kids to come out of this situation better people and you love them and want to help them. Despite your H's allegiance to you and your dd at this time, I'm sure he doesn't like the idea of his son being behind bars, don't you think? A temporary separation of family may be a healthy thing for a while, until things are settled and some really important decisions are made.

Many gentle hugs- I will hold a special prayer for you and yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 6:13pm

I think each state and country is different but often turning 17 means being charged as an adult. I know your main concern is for your dd but dh should IMO be getting ds out of that situation pronto if he is going to turn 17 any day because he is likely to be in more serious danger of legal ramifications

They are both teens and both someones child and both need to be cared for

DD has a counselor already who should be informed and I like the idea of meeting with the person privately to ask advice on how to proceed with her at this point. You are taking the correct medical steps. Just keep going-you are doing the right thing!

Otherwise, I think dh should take the responsibility of finding a place for his son to stay other than your current home and, if no one else is available and that means he and the boy have to share an apartment until HS graduation? So be it.

DH could somewhat go back and forth since the boy would be able to spend extended periods of time on his own

Not ideal, I know. Stressful, I'm sure. But I think you owe it to the kids from the first marriages to take steps to care for each of them in this situation

I don't think badly of your family. Im surprised we dont hear of this more often. Teens are impulsive and hormonal and step sibs are .....step sibs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 4:57pm
Wow, I know of a very similar situation.
Umm where to begin
1. not consensual, never is w/ kids and he was manipulating her big time.
2. if that many problems get her committed to regulate meds, counseling and seperate them.
3. Hit up your local child welfare office, sorry to say it but he's a predator and if you have other kids in the home they're at risk! He's going to need some major psych care and rehabilitation before I'd let him outta my sight again.
4. make sure you and your hubby take a lunch that's kid free, remember why you 2 got married
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 4:53am

From the replies so far I think there are a couple of assumptions that I would want to know a lot more about the situation before I would be ready to sign on. First, I seen to remember in the original posting that the dd would love to see dh be gone and that it seems that her part in all of this was she was up for it. I would be wondering if this might be an attempt on her part to manipulate a parental split-up especially since she was quite eager to let mom know what was going on.

The assumption that a 16 y.o. male kid is almost an adult and ought to know better doesn't jive with my extensive experience with that population. There is nothing adult about them and the law that makes them adults at 18 was written about 70 years ago when 18 year olds were in fact grown up. These days, it is a miracle if that can be said about 25 year olds. At 16/17 immaturity is their middle name. Reality and good judgment and conscience are not even on the map yet. That's the facts. At that age, full of raging hormones with a willing and eager partner, for it not to happen would be a miracle. I have worked with young sexual predators and this doesn't sound like the case to me.

What I would do, you might ask. For one, I think they both need to know that this can't happen any more. I would probably address this from an angle of respecting each other and the rest of the family, or something along that line, rather that any of this sexual predator, or molestation stuff. They will not comprehend that because they know that it was mutually consensual. The law and our opinions might comprehend but realistically their view is way closer to the truth. For that reason I would deal with this as something that just isn't done in our household. I have raised upwards of six, highly charged foster teens, at one time and they knew up front that sex is something that was an absolute no, no because even if we were not blood, we were a family and we were all there to support each other not to be creating problems for each other. I would also watch them like a hawk and I would never leave them alone, even if that meant getting a house sitter.

Lastly, all counselors and therapists are what are labeled "mandatory reporters." By law, if they are told about minors having sex, they are mandated by law to report what they know to the police and to child protective services. So I would make real sure that you really want this kid to be in legal trouble before you run to the mental health community. If I really felt that the ds was the instigator, I would probably get him into a residential therapeutic environment rather than getting the cops involved. Giving a kid a permanent adult label of predator for an act of juvenile stupidity is in itself criminal.

I started out saying that there were all sort of assumptions flying around these postings and I have made a couple myself. These are based solely on my reading of the original posting and my experience with this kind of situations. I need to label my suggestion as first opinion that could easily change if I knew more about the situation. I offered them just to make sure that there were no precipitous rushes to judgment.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:51am

Hi, new here but I read your post and have to say that's my worst nightmare.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 2:18pm
I agree. Its very easy to say send him here or have my husband and him move out for awhile till hes 18. In the real world we can't afford to do that. We have bought a home in the last year and have worked hard to get where we are and can't just split up for awhile. I do agree I want my stepson to leave, however, we don't have an option and no one to take him. Calling the cops will cause just as much trouble for me and my girls as it would him and my husband, we are all in the same home and rely on the same incomes. As far as keeping him away from her and my other girls, oh you can bet thats a definate. Either he, them or all are going with me & my husband at ALL times from that day till h*** freezes over. My daughters room is right across the hall from mine, he is in the basement bedroom. She is not even allowed to go down there and play playstation with him or be in the basement when he is around. Period. Counseling, yes, for all of us. Now that she is sexually active, birthcontrol and all that comes with that, yes. But we all just can't split up. I told my husband before I told him this news, "what I am about to tell you could make or break us as a family, and if we don't handle this properly and efficiently we will lose everything." So, we went into this very calm and collected. I hope to keep it this way. I am trying not to treat my stepson or daughter differently than before as it would just add to the tension. Not alot has been said, no point in bringin them together for "a talk" because they are just going to point the finger at each other and it would turn into a circus. I will leave the talks for the professionals and let them decide when the time is best to have a one on one coversation between the four of us, two of us or whatever. I am just trying to remain calm and get to the bottom of the problem. We definately need to know if he has thoughts or feelings for younger kids in general. So, here is where we start. I hate that this process takes so long to get underway, but its all we can do without totally destroying the entire family and the other children definately do not deserve it. We are trying to spare them this shame and exclude them from the situation entirely. Michele
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:17pm

I know this is just one small part of the equation here, but I think you're a bit overly concerned about the fact that she is younger here. I have known several teenagers around the same ages as your daughter and step-so have sex. Yes, it is sad, particularly since the girl is so young, but it really isn't that uncommon. Your concern about him having 'thoughts or feelings' about younger children...you're talking like he's turning into a pedophile, and I really don't think that's the case.

And I also think you need to closely consider what another poster said about how your daughter could be making it seem as if she was coerced or forced because she could be trying to break up your marriage. It just seemed like at first she was saying it was consensual but was then back tracking and talking like it was forced. Hopefully counciling can help you get to the bottom of that issue and better understand the issue.

But you have to understand that no, 16 years old is NOT an adult. 16 year olds are immature and full of hormones. If this sex was consensual, as I suspect you may find out it was, this was two hormone-filled teenagers doing something stupid and thoughtless - not the older one victimizing your daughter. BOTH made a mistake, and I think you're thinking too victim/predator about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 8:28pm

If you are sure-absolutely sure-that you are not going to press charges against the boy, I dont have a problem with him staying under the same roof

My concern is that, as the previous poster mentioned, you are making this into a 'predator' and 'innocent' situation when it appears to be consensual(stupid, but consensual)

If it happens again-and if you both work full time, I am not quite sure how you will prevent it-I worry it will put you over the top and you WILL take it to the authorities in frustration

I would rather see it prevented from going there by something more delineated and I don't know what to suggest other than a physical separation with each child still living with a parent!

But if you can be strong and learn to see this as TWO teens making an unwise choice........fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 10:39am

I see good points in all of the replies. I don't think pressing charges is the answer in this case because I do believe this was consentual since I know her personality and if she didn't want to, she wouldn't , no matter what he threatened her with. We are waiting for the counselor to call us back with an appt time at this point. In the meantime, all eyes are on all kids at all times. If all the girls aren't with me, he is. Period. This is just such a stab in the heart for me probably because I have never had a great relationship with him anyhow. It just kinda seems like his way of saying, "well, if you are not going to leave then I will give you a real good reason to reconsider".