Stepdaughter has become a danger 2famiy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Stepdaughter has become a danger 2famiy
20
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 2:10pm

I posted a couple of weeks ago about the stepdaughter war going on in my home. I got some great input, and I thank you all very much.... we had 3 nights with her before she went back to her mother's house for a week. This past weekend we had her again. I emailed my boss (family law attorney, who has agreed to help us sue for sole custody to try to straighten this kid out), and I'll just paste that email here. I don't even care about what names are in it. I just don't have the stomach to read through it to edit them out. *sigh*
Jordan is 12, she will be 13 on 2/18
My girls, Becca and Kayla, are also in the home, age 11y - they will be 12 on 2/13
The baby is 17mos
Matt is my DF, father of the baby, who called me today and said he knows we will make it through this, because we have each other. Thank God for him. Poor guy is losing his daughter, and still finds a way to make us smile.
Angie is Jordan's mother, who needs to be in a psych hospital for making her once loving, honest, open, selfless child into the monster she has become.

If you aren't speechless after reading this, I would love and appreciate some input or response. I swear, this is not from anything on TV. I could only wish. TIA

muggle

Friday - Matt picks up Jordan, Becca, and Kayla from school without incident. Upon arrival at the house, Jordan is more violent and outrageous than ever. She fights her father, refusing to go into the house, to the point of punching and kicking him. He finally gets her inside, and to her room, where she proceeded to throw two heavy magnets at him, and attempted to push him down the stairs. She followed this with, "You're lucky you didn't fall down the stairs." She continues this until he finally turned her over and spanked her with 4 or 5 good smacks on her ass through her clothes. As soon as he left her room, she took out her digital camera, which she had hidden in her backpack, and took pictures of the red marks on her bare bottom. We do not discover that she has done this until much, much later.

She continues to be hateful and out of control for most of the night. I took Becca and Kayla to my mom's house, and our house is happy and peaceful when I return.


Saturday - Jordan wakes up and is hateful again, complaining about not having any clothes to wear and wanting to go home. Matt attempts to talk to her, and it seems progress is made. She cries to him about not being trusted, and that she hates him and me. Late in the day she begs to call her mother to get clothes from her house. This has NEVER been allowed - Jordan always takes the clothes Matt buys to her mother's house, and does not return them. Angie refuses to allow her to bring any to our house, forcing us to purchase more for her. Matt allows her to call her mother for clothes. Jordan takes the phone outside and talks in private, then returns inside and states that her mother will allow her to come get clothes for the entire week. This is a shock to us, and we feel progress is being made.

Matt's stepfather comes to talk to Matt, Jordan, and I, at our request. He counsels with Jordan for a while, and her attitude lightens up, and she is cheerful and laughing by the time he leaves. Jordan and Matt go to Angie's house to get clothes and go food shopping at Wal-Mart while I stay home with the baby. Jordan takes a bag with her into her mother's apartment, and Matt asks her, What did you steal from the house? She said, Nothing. She returns after some nastiness from Angie towards Matt, but only brings a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. Matt thinks this is odd, but it's her choice and her problem. They go grocery shopping and have a good time together.

On the way home from the store, Matt gets a call from Angie. She states that the police are on the way to our house to get Jordan, because there are new pictures of abuse she sustained at our home. She states that he abused her, and there is a picture of what he did to her when he spanked her. Matt asks Jordan in the van, are there pictures? She says No. The police arrive at our house shortly after Matt and Jordan return, stating that abuse by Matt had been alleged, and Angie was outside in her car, waiting to take Jordan home with her. At first, it sounds like Angie took the pictures when they went to get the clothes. This clicks as impossible, as it had been more that 24 hours after he spanked her. I question the officers on this, and we then learn that Jordan took those pictures on her own, and orchestrated the situation so that she could get them to her mother, by telling Matt she was getting clothes from her mom. We figure out that Angie never intended to send clothes with Jordan - she only "agreed" so Matt would bring Jordan to her home so she could get the camera and print the pictures Jordan had taken. Jordan knew she would be leaving our home, and that is why she only got pajama pants and a t-shirt from her mom's. She was fully aware of what was going to be attempted, and what the end result was expected to be.

The officers figured out very quickly after talking to us what was really going on. They did not report the evening's events to SRS, and we informed them of our history with SRS and Jordan in recent months. They talked Matt into allowing Jordan to leave with her mother, but told all parties directly in no uncertain terms that Jordan was to return to her father the next day. If they denied parenting time, the Sherriff's office could enforce the parenting time, and that this would be much messier if that became necessary. All parties agreed, and Jordan left around 10pm.

Sunday - We have a peaceful day... until my truck dies on the highway going to Matt's mom's house for breakfast. We had my three children with us at the time. Thanks to Matt's mom and stepdad, we got to the children's basketball game and home. At 5pm Matt calls Angie and states that she needs to return Jordan right away. She refuses, stating that they have plans. She alleges that the officer that had spoken to everyone the previous night and her know each other outside of this situation, which creates some mild concern on our end. She refuses to return Jordan, stating that he could pick her up from school on Monday. Matt calls the police, and the female officer in attendance the previous night (there were 3 altogether) arrives to make a report. We state that we do not want to force Jordan to come home, because it is obvious that will not benefit anyone, and puts us in a position of more allegations, and may be dangerous to the other children at home. She agrees, and states that if this continues, we can file charges for "interference of parental rights." She pulls out her reference book, and reads the statute to us. We contacted the officer from the previous night, and informed him of Angie's statement that implies she knows him outside of this, and he states that this is false.

330am on Sunday, Matt's cell phone rings. Angie is concerned because Jordan has a high fever of 104. He asks that she call back if Jordan does not get better. 30 minutes later, she calls again, and wants Matt to meet them at the ER at Providence Medical Center. He does, and returns at 530am WITH JORDAN to take the day off with her. (She did not ever have a 104 temp, and she just has a virus, as it turns out.) Angie allowed Matt to bring this "terrified" child home to an "abusive environment" to spend the day with her father who "abused her" so she could go to work.


I just don't know where to go from here.... Honest to God, I have sent this whole saga to Dr. Phil to beg for help. I just think we are in over our heads, and have been for a very long time....





Pages

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 2:44pm

{{{muggle}}} Are you and your H working with a family counselor at all? It would seem to me that YOU TWO need the support and direction of a qualified family counselor/guide to help YOU TWO figure out your next move. You've got the legal stuff down pat, it seems, however, you're shuffling through the familial and emotional stuff with great difficulty. I would make your first priority a counselor who is very experienced in dealing with step and blended families.

I don't think there is an immediate answer to your situation. You're not just battling your step daughter, but her mother as well. I really feel for you - it would be nice if all the adults could and would work better together for the good of the child.

I think your first step would be to create a file. Document every seemingly insignificant event, phone call, outing, discussion, argument, etc. GO get a binder and fill it with paper and start jotting down everything, including dates and times of everything, even stuff having to do with the other members of the family so you have a chronological chain of events going. It will be like an outlined diary.

Remove all media from SD's room and monitor her time on the computer, telephone, etc. She needs that and she will not like it, but for your and your family's protection, you must do it. *when I say 'you' I am including your H. Go through her room and remove anything that could be used against you and could be construed as unsafe or as a weapon.

I sure hope you're able to find the answer you're looking for and the support you so desperately need!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 7:36pm

I don't find spanking a child of that age acceptable. Don't get me wrong-Im not saying you abused her-I just think she is too old for that type of punishment(7 or 8 would be tops in my book)

You and Matt need to find another discipline strategy and be prepared to use it with whatever she throws at you and you know she will

I agree that you should be documenting every little thing

But, mostly, all I can think is 'this poor kid'-how horrid to be caught up in the middle of all this

Hang in there-keep trying-she will eventually catch on that you are going to love her no matter what

And, yes, any help you can get-Dr Phil or the counselor down the road!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 7:57pm

"...I have sent this whole saga to Dr. Phil to beg for help."

Do you really want to subject your entire family to national scrutiny? For what reason?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:39pm
OMG I don't what to tell you. This situation is horrible. If it were me I would have given up by now. This isn't your daughter -- why are you letting her affect your entire family? It almost sounds like she is bi-polar and needs meds! Good luck to you and I hope you get the help you need because this is tooo difficult for me to figure out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:00pm

Have you, H and SD ever been to counseling as a family? I honestly think you need that more than you need the law involved. You are trying to deal with emotions by using the law, and that rarely works.

I'm amazed at the level of physical violence in this home. First off, I don't think it's appropriate to be spanking ANY child hard enough to leave hand prints, and IMHO, 12 is way to old to be spanking anyway. In your earlier post, you talked about all kinds of physical stuff going on... no wonder SD is angry. How would YOU feel if someone turned you over their knee and whooped your behind? Put yourself in your SD's shoes for a little bit - how would you feel if someone treated you the way you treat her?? I'd be willing to bet that you would be angry and manipulative too.

I know I am sounding very harsh right now, but one thing always gets me when talking about teens. People say "I have such an angry, vindicitive, manipulative teen" - but then go on to tell how they are treating their teen, doing things that would turn any sane, rational adult into an angry, vindicitive, manipulative person. How do they expect the teen to react??? How would you feel if someone treated you in the same manner you and H are treating SD?

True, she is a child, and you are an adult - BUT, she is still a person with feelings and deserving to be treated kindly and with respect. When discipline becomes focused on punishment in a vindictive manner, why would the child not become angry and vindicitive?

You say you'd like help from Dr. Phil... I watch him every chance I get. One thing I will say for him is he is very blunt and "out there" in his comments, and I suspect one thing he'd be saying to you and H is "why do you say you love her, but still treat her like this? How would YOU react if people who say they love you treated you like this?" No, SD isn't right in what she's doing, and neither is her mother, but somebody has to step up and say enough is enough, and start acting and reacting differently to break the cycle of anger, manipulativeness and violence in this household.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 12:53pm

Do yourself a favor and remove yourself and your children from this violent, destructive situation before it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 4:09pm
I definitely agree that you have to work w/ a counsellor on this one. I might go the other way and tell the girl "well, since you don't want to come over, we aren't going to force you but you are welcome here any time." That will elminiate a lot of the drama, fighting and yelling about how you are making her come over. She is in the middle and manipulating both parents against each other, which is not good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:25pm

I am speechless. For shame! And this woman sees nothing wrong with a adult man HITTING a young girl so hard her bum is red! This is a YOUNG WOMAN. No wonder this girl is so messed up! She isn't even allowed to have her own clothes!

Her a danger to her father's family? No, the adults in her life (INCLUDING HER FATHER) made her the mess she is now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 9:11pm

I know several have said that your SD is too old for spanking, and I'm not even going to go there. As I see it, she is the one (more probably her mother) started the whole argument just to set you and your DH up so she would get spanked. She did start the kicking and pushing. But, she got just exactly what she wanted, pictures.

You really need to think about it all. I like the idea of getting as much as you can in writing. You do need to see a councellor. You also need to begin to think about protecting yourself and your children, DH included. The next thing she and mom may escalate to is starting to alledge sexual abuse. If they're instigating and setting up fights to get pictures, all they have to do is say things have happened and then you're in for even more heartache. Are you or DH really willing to fight a completely uphill battle, which is what it's going to be? I hate to give up on people, but for some people there just isn't any hope. Realize also in a couple of years she may want to go back and live with her mom, and by that age, she'll be able to do anything she wants, no matter how hard you fight it.

Best wishes to you! Wishing you peace and peaceful dreams!!!!!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:34pm

<<>>

I was thinking along some of the same lines. And I wanted to add that maybe the father snapped because it's alleged his daughter tried to push him down the stairs. That's serious business.

zz

Pages