Stepdaughter has become a danger 2famiy
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| Tue, 01-30-2007 - 2:10pm |
I posted a couple of weeks ago about the stepdaughter war going on in my home. I got some great input, and I thank you all very much.... we had 3 nights with her before she went back to her mother's house for a week. This past weekend we had her again. I emailed my boss (family law attorney, who has agreed to help us sue for sole custody to try to straighten this kid out), and I'll just paste that email here. I don't even care about what names are in it. I just don't have the stomach to read through it to edit them out. *sigh*
Jordan is 12, she will be 13 on 2/18
My girls, Becca and Kayla, are also in the home, age 11y - they will be 12 on 2/13
The baby is 17mos
Matt is my DF, father of the baby, who called me today and said he knows we will make it through this, because we have each other. Thank God for him. Poor guy is losing his daughter, and still finds a way to make us smile.
Angie is Jordan's mother, who needs to be in a psych hospital for making her once loving, honest, open, selfless child into the monster she has become.
If you aren't speechless after reading this, I would love and appreciate some input or response. I swear, this is not from anything on TV. I could only wish. TIA
muggle
Friday - Matt picks up Jordan, Becca, and Kayla from school without incident. Upon arrival at the house, Jordan is more violent and outrageous than ever. She fights her father, refusing to go into the house, to the point of punching and kicking him. He finally gets her inside, and to her room, where she proceeded to throw two heavy magnets at him, and attempted to push him down the stairs. She followed this with, "You're lucky you didn't fall down the stairs." She continues this until he finally turned her over and spanked her with 4 or 5 good smacks on her ass through her clothes. As soon as he left her room, she took out her digital camera, which she had hidden in her backpack, and took pictures of the red marks on her bare bottom. We do not discover that she has done this until much, much later.
She continues to be hateful and out of control for most of the night. I took Becca and Kayla to my mom's house, and our house is happy and peaceful when I return.
Saturday - Jordan wakes up and is hateful again, complaining about not having any clothes to wear and wanting to go home. Matt attempts to talk to her, and it seems progress is made. She cries to him about not being trusted, and that she hates him and me. Late in the day she begs to call her mother to get clothes from her house. This has NEVER been allowed - Jordan always takes the clothes Matt buys to her mother's house, and does not return them. Angie refuses to allow her to bring any to our house, forcing us to purchase more for her. Matt allows her to call her mother for clothes. Jordan takes the phone outside and talks in private, then returns inside and states that her mother will allow her to come get clothes for the entire week. This is a shock to us, and we feel progress is being made.
Matt's stepfather comes to talk to Matt, Jordan, and I, at our request. He counsels with Jordan for a while, and her attitude lightens up, and she is cheerful and laughing by the time he leaves. Jordan and Matt go to Angie's house to get clothes and go food shopping at Wal-Mart while I stay home with the baby. Jordan takes a bag with her into her mother's apartment, and Matt asks her, What did you steal from the house? She said, Nothing. She returns after some nastiness from Angie towards Matt, but only brings a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. Matt thinks this is odd, but it's her choice and her problem. They go grocery shopping and have a good time together.
On the way home from the store, Matt gets a call from Angie. She states that the police are on the way to our house to get Jordan, because there are new pictures of abuse she sustained at our home. She states that he abused her, and there is a picture of what he did to her when he spanked her. Matt asks Jordan in the van, are there pictures? She says No. The police arrive at our house shortly after Matt and Jordan return, stating that abuse by Matt had been alleged, and Angie was outside in her car, waiting to take Jordan home with her. At first, it sounds like Angie took the pictures when they went to get the clothes. This clicks as impossible, as it had been more that 24 hours after he spanked her. I question the officers on this, and we then learn that Jordan took those pictures on her own, and orchestrated the situation so that she could get them to her mother, by telling Matt she was getting clothes from her mom. We figure out that Angie never intended to send clothes with Jordan - she only "agreed" so Matt would bring Jordan to her home so she could get the camera and print the pictures Jordan had taken. Jordan knew she would be leaving our home, and that is why she only got pajama pants and a t-shirt from her mom's. She was fully aware of what was going to be attempted, and what the end result was expected to be.
The officers figured out very quickly after talking to us what was really going on. They did not report the evening's events to SRS, and we informed them of our history with SRS and Jordan in recent months. They talked Matt into allowing Jordan to leave with her mother, but told all parties directly in no uncertain terms that Jordan was to return to her father the next day. If they denied parenting time, the Sherriff's office could enforce the parenting time, and that this would be much messier if that became necessary. All parties agreed, and Jordan left around 10pm.
Sunday - We have a peaceful day... until my truck dies on the highway going to Matt's mom's house for breakfast. We had my three children with us at the time. Thanks to Matt's mom and stepdad, we got to the children's basketball game and home. At 5pm Matt calls Angie and states that she needs to return Jordan right away. She refuses, stating that they have plans. She alleges that the officer that had spoken to everyone the previous night and her know each other outside of this situation, which creates some mild concern on our end. She refuses to return Jordan, stating that he could pick her up from school on Monday. Matt calls the police, and the female officer in attendance the previous night (there were 3 altogether) arrives to make a report. We state that we do not want to force Jordan to come home, because it is obvious that will not benefit anyone, and puts us in a position of more allegations, and may be dangerous to the other children at home. She agrees, and states that if this continues, we can file charges for "interference of parental rights." She pulls out her reference book, and reads the statute to us. We contacted the officer from the previous night, and informed him of Angie's statement that implies she knows him outside of this, and he states that this is false.
330am on Sunday, Matt's cell phone rings. Angie is concerned because Jordan has a high fever of 104. He asks that she call back if Jordan does not get better. 30 minutes later, she calls again, and wants Matt to meet them at the ER at Providence Medical Center. He does, and returns at 530am WITH JORDAN to take the day off with her. (She did not ever have a 104 temp, and she just has a virus, as it turns out.) Angie allowed Matt to bring this "terrified" child home to an "abusive environment" to spend the day with her father who "abused her" so she could go to work.
I just don't know where to go from here.... Honest to God, I have sent this whole saga to Dr. Phil to beg for help. I just think we are in over our heads, and have been for a very long time....

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Dad snapping indicates doing something unusual and unpredictable happened
If this was orchestrated and set up(and, yes, I belive it was)dad did what he was expected to do and those expectations came from previous experiences
I spanked my kids here and there when they were little. I am not for outlawing the practice but 12 going on 13 is too old-period! There are so many other options with someone well past the age of reason
I also didn't quite understand why dad would look at dd with a paper bag and say "what did you steal?"
I think someone said it quite well. There is a lot going on here and it is going on on both sides. The OP should not expect a therapist or a Dr Phil to 100% take her side for vindication because that isnt going to happen. Doesnt mean it's their fault but they have done things they will get negative feedback on.
Hi, Sallie. Thank you so much for your post. I was starting to feel very judged, and looking at the situation as a whole, I can understand why. The first, instinctual, gut reaction is "what is wrong with the home/parents?"
but to see who this child was before this started (which we attribute to irresponsible counseling, which provided an open forum for birthmom and child to openly bash anything mom does not like, and we feel this led up to the original incident and lack of accountability after), and to see how manipulative and decietful she has become - she is now the mirror of her mother - it's very sad, and screams of deeper issues. It also, unfortunatley, screams of poisoning against dad by birthmother.
We have reached the point that we are forced to protect our other children. From her accusations, from her tirades, from her abuse. This is not a violent home. The children are not being abused. Discipline on Jordan has always been difficult, because her mother works very actively against us and all we stand for.
Don't talk back / stand up for yourself.
Respect your father / listen to your mother more.
Love your baby sister / hate your stepmother, who made your baby sister....
Everything we have tried to teach her has been contradicted, so that our efforts are meaningless.
We are meeting with my boss to look at the legal side, but may just let her be with her mother until she decides to come home, and we feel we do not have to fear the result. We are simply not willing to risk our toddler and my twins being removed from our home to fight for a child who does not want us. It's a horrible, heart-wrenching decision to make, but we are simply standing here, looking at each other, wondering what else we could possibly do.
Thank you for not being judgmental, and for seeing through the physical issues, and understanding there is a lot at stake here.....
your post made me feel so much better. We agree, spanking is NOT appropriate at her age. But, I ask all posters, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE???
muggle
Muggle,
I'm so sorry you felt judged.
Before I respond, allow me to say that at the bottom of my post, I explain a little of why I feel comfortable addressing this subject. I am not going to answer the question "What would you have done," because to be honest, this situation is so far removed from the "norm" of raising teenagers that I don't know that anyone can tell you what they would have done - having not experienced it.
I will agree with previous posters who have offered several suggestions:
1. You should post this on the "troubled teens" board (in addition to here, I have received immense help from there).
2. The child needs counseling - serious counseling - and fast. I would highly suggest a psychiatric evaluation, because it sounds like she has some serious mood disorder issues - and possibly even personality disorder issues.
3. Send her to her mother's until she can behave in your home - to protect yourself, your fiance, and most importantly, your other children (if she would throw large objects at her father, what's to say she wouldn't harm the baby if she got angry enough).
While I don't agree with spanking children (something I have even come to question myself in recent years), I can also see why your DF was driven to do what he did. The posters who have stated that it sounds like the whole thing was orchestrated, however, seem to be right on the money - and if that's the case, it won't be long before she orchetrates another incident - involving allegations of sexual abuse or abuse to your other children - and causing you all sorts of legal trouble.
I have been where you are - I have been afraid to discipline my DS (18) because of his violent outbursts and physical abuse. There have been incidents (thankfully, not in about 2 years) where the police were called to my home (by my younger son, no less) because my son physically attacked me - and caused serious physical damage. It is a horrible feeling, being afraid to impose rules and discipline in your own home for fear of repurcussions - and a position no parent should tolerate.
While maybe "putting her over his knee" was a bit extreme, I have found myself, while in the crux of the violent situation, reacting in ways I probably would not have reacted in under less stressful circumstances. You are sometimes pushed to the limit - and then you break.
But I disagree with the posters who state that she is that way because of things you, your DF, or even her mother have done. This is a child with deep-rooted issues - perhaps in another home environment, they wouldn't have manifested this way, but they would have manifested eventually. This is NOT your fault...it is also not her fault...this is bigger than everyone involved.
I'm going to recommend you read a book I have been advised to read (I'm waiting to receive it) - I've gotten good feedback about it both from this board and from psychologists (I work for a psychology graduate school, so I have a lot of access to "free therapy"). It's called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and addresses the issues of children who are intolerant and inflexible--and why "normal" punishment and consequences do not work. If you look it up on Amazon, you can read the first couple pages - and if your situation is anything like mine, you will say "THAT IS MY CHILD."
In my situation, I have outlined the rules - it's a little easier for me, because DS is 18, and if he doesn't follow the rules, he is welcome to leave - at the same time, I am no longer addressing "I'm not going to and you can't make me" because that almost always erupts in a violent outburst of some sort - kicking the car, throwing something down the stairs, etc. My new response is "you do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do" and that's IT. If I tell him he can't go out, and he does, I just tell him I'll do what I have to do. The fear of not knowing what I'll do (which could include locking him out of the house for the night) prompts him to be more cooperative.
I have often asked myself what I did wrong - please don't take that attitude. I have another son who gets the same rules, the same discipline, and deals with it much more appropriately. For instance, both my DS's have fans in their bedrooms when they go to sleep. The rule is that the fan MUST be turned off when they go to school, or they lose it for the next night. When DS 15 does that, he grumbles, whines, and complains - then goes into his room and goes to sleep. When DS 18 does it, it generally erupts into a 2 hour long argument. So it is NOT entirely you.
One of the rules I have set forth is that my son MUST go to counseling - and I go with him - and he must have a psychiatric evaluation. Depression, ADHD, mood disorders - all can be treated, if diagnosed, with medication - which can severely change your child's behavior.
I'm not suggesting you "drug your child." But if she does have a disorder that can be treated with medication, I'm all for it - I wouldn't deny my child insulin if he were diabetic, antibiotics if he had an infection, or even an aspirin if he had a headache - why then would I choose to deny him medication for a disorder that's not entirely physical?
It's possible your DF's ex is feeding her information that is causing her behavior in your home...but then the mother can deal with her. You can send her to mom's, and tell her that although you love her, and she's welcome in your home anytime, her welcome is oonditional upon respectful and appropriate behavior. As you yourself said, you have to protect the rest of your family.
I wish you the best of luck and prayers - as I know where you have been and have immense empathy for your situation.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your response, and your open heart, are priceless. I read this last night before bed, and went to bed knowing that we are not alone. That is the sole reason I posted in the first place.
Thankfully, we get a break from this for a few days. DF and I are headed to Vegas this weekend, for an all expenses paid trip he won at work. We never thought he had a chance - it was a sales contest, and he's not "officially" in sales - but someone - God?! - knew we would need the break! We leave in just a few hours (leaving the 17month old nursing toddler for the first time! AAAHHH!) and will be back Monday night.
So.... over the weekend, please don't take my silence as anything except a sign that we are having a Jordan-free zone for a few days, and plan to just enjoy ourselves.
When we get home, we will have to make some tough choices. We have discussed some of the ideas I have learned on this board, and the legal aspects of the situation, as well. *sigh*
I'm ready for a break. Let the vacation begin!!
xxoo
muggle
muggle, I reread my post and I hope you didn't misread anything I wrote as being judgemental. While I don't agree with spanking at that age, I can certainly understand H losing it.
I think that you need to do whatever you need to do in order to protect yourself and your family. However, if you do decide to continue in your pursuit for full custody, please document everything, try to get a court ordered mental, physical, and intellectual evaluation of sd so that you know better how to proceed in her care. She may need more than just counseling, i.e., if she is bipolar, which sounds like a good guess to me, she will need continual care from a DR, possibly along with certain meds. And it often takes a long time and a lot of tweaking to get the meds just right.
I think that it stinks that because she's so young and ignorant enough to want to stay with the parent who goes easier on her, she will lose out on what could be an excellent upbringing and a happy ending. OTOH, I can totally understand how you and H could be at the end of your rapidly fraying rope! Please explore all your options before throwing in the towel. Sometimes a temporary inpatient mental health care facility is best. Living with a parent isn't the only option here. If she needs acute care, she should get it.
Best of luck.
That's a great idea, I like it. A full mental evaluation would certainly benefit SD. (Too bad, they can't get the girl's mom to do one too.) They would be able to tell if she's just acting out and might even be able to help with an attempt to get custody if that's the way they choose to go. Either way, if they got one done and they found out nothing psych is wrong with her, they'll know. And, if there is something that can be treated, it would be easier to force mom to get her the care that's needed, or to get custody if they chose. They can even begin to push mom to making her get treatment if mom doesn't want to get it for her. It would be neglect on the mom's part if she knew something was wrong with the girl and chose not to treat it. KWIM?
And, then hope and pray that the girl's mom leaves her alone and quits trying to poison her. Some people can be just horrible.
Sallie
Unfortunately, the narcissistic behavior the mother is exhibiting, if it is a mental illness, which I suspect on some level it is, is also familial - meaning it can be inherited. Bi-polar, personality disorders, etc., tend to run in families and unaddressed, wreaks havoc for generations.
I think a full evaluation is something the OP should petition the court for. If it is mandated by the court, the mother has no choice. And the outcome could ultimately be life saving for everyone involved.
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