stepmom to 13yo girl needs advice

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Registered: 11-02-2006
stepmom to 13yo girl needs advice
6
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:03pm

i have been a stepmom to DD since she was 10 years old, i will be honest we dont have the best relationship. not that we have a bad relationship..we just havent really bonded very well. she has been doing very poorly in school the last couple years, and actually failed 6th grade last year...now she is in 7th and has two Fs already.
she is also very sneaky and likes her privacy...but i remeber being a teenager and i too was alone in my room alot and figure that it is pretty normal.

all of this put aside, today her dad got a phone call from school for having contraband at school (she had a lighter) and her teachers were concerned because word around the school is that she has been smoking pot. i remember being that age and understand that if that is the image she wants for herself, then that is very important to her and what me and her dad say wont really matter to her. but im just wondering what you guys would do in this situation...and if there is anything i can do to help, or to get her on the right track.

thanks

Pregnancy ticker
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Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 11:55am

Where is her mother? Does she has contact with her?

Unless you have adopted her, the discipline should come from her father. He is the one with the legal responsibility. It would also help with your relationship with her. There could some resentment there.

You know, she is not expected to bond with you nor you,her. No matter how well meaning you are, her father married you. She did not.

I would suggest that the two of you go out for a girl's lunch and have a chat. Share with her your memories of what it has like when you were 13, your wish for privacy and wanting to look cool. We careful about your tone of voice; kids can be very sensitive at that age.
Ask her leading questions to find out why she is doing so poorly in school. Listen very carefully to her answers. Make sure she understands that you are not judging her. You want to help because you care about her,independant from your relationship with her father.
You care not just because you are married to her father. It will take time for her to open up to you but it is worth a try.

(It is actually very normal for kids to want their privacy,especially kids in a
blended home. She may not feel it is truly her home.)

I would also suggest that you encourage your DH to spend time with his daughter,without you and any kids you may have with him or your own kids. It is important that she feels still important to her father.

Has she been tested for LDs? I would consider getting her additional help (i.e. tutor).
Failure breeds more failure. She needs help to break that cycle and to feel good about herself.

Good Luck & God Bless

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 6:00pm

As one of her parents, you have a right and responsibility to reassure her that you care for her while at the same time letting her know your strong feelings against her *possibly* smoking pot, carrying lighters, incomplete or failing classes, etc.

I think that you actually have a nice advantage being a step parent. You could wind up being the person she feels she can talk to because you may not be in the role of disciplinarian. Perhaps her father handles that and you could be the person who talks with her, who goes for rides in the car with her and just talks about 'stuff'; it's a perfect opportunity for you to talk about these things without it being directly about her!

Perhaps you could discuss with her father how or what type of role you can play in her life while she's figuring all this stuff out. Maybe the two of you can agree that you will take a step back from disciplining her and let that be his priority while you gain her confidence and create a comfortable setting in which she can relax and not try to rebel as much.

YOu didn't give a lot of information, so I'm not sure if these suggestions fit your situation. In any event, best of luck and I think it's wonderful that you're trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 8:15pm
well i will let you guys know that i never have done the disciplining, i leave that up to her father. i dont feel as though i have the right to do that, other than the occassional, clean your room and get your homework done. we never fight or aruge or anything...but unfortunately we have not been able to bond well at all. she doesnt see her mother very often, and her mother is severely bipolar and unable to take care of her. not to mention she does not enjoy seeing her mother, and i know that it is causing a lot of pent up anger and frustrations.
Pregnancy ticker
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 9:01pm

It's hard to bond with a child who has another mother out there that she still has some loyalty to... and irregardless of how SD and her mother get along, there is still a certain amount of loyalty there.

My DS S is 22... well, he's not my DS by blood, marriage, or law; but a foster child who never left our home after he became an adult, until he enlisted in the USMC 2 years ago. His bio mom hadn't seen him since he was 5, and even when she was "caring" for him, she was a neglectful mother at best. From 5 til almost 17 he lived with a paternal aunt, another woman that he never got along with, every contact with her is still cause for stress for him. However, he still has a certain amount of loyalty to both these women, both of whom have caused him little more than grief over the years. Anger? Oh yes, he's got a lot of anger toward them, that he expressed in a lot of self-destructive ways over the years. He says he doesn't love them, and he doesn't go to them as an adult child goes to a mom - I get that role - but they are still important women in his life, and to a certain extend, he has a lot of loyalty for them. And I don't dare utter a word against them, no matter how negatively he talks about them, because he WILL defend them. Neither of them were a mother to him in the sense that most of us define mother, but he still has that loyalty to them. And the closest I ever get to recognition as his mom is occasionally he'll introduce me as his step-mom. But I guess I don't really need that recognition, because I know what's in his heart, and what role he's assigned me to in his life.

I guess I'm telling you this, thinking that if you're expecting to bond with her as a mother, it's going to be very hard to make that happen. Even though S treats me like his mom in pretty much every sense of the word, I'm never going to really be his mom, because he has two other "mothers" out there. Be there for her as an important adult in her life, try to plan things for the two of you to do together as you would a niece. If she doesn't feel that you're trying to displace her mother, you might find it a whole lot easier to bond with her.
Rose

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:41am

What types of support is your family receiving? Is she in counseling, is the family?

Parenting is difficult enough, but when you throw other dynamics, such as mental illness, an absent parent and a step parent into the mix, it really compounds the difficult situation. Counseling is recommended for all step or blended families, whether those other difficult dynamics are present or not.

I strongly urge you and your H, and later dd, to find a family counselor who is experienced in dealing with step families. DD is at an age where you can still reign her in, be a strong parent in her life and gain her respect. Best of luck. It will be a difficult time and at times you may feel like throwing in the towel, but I am hoping that if you hang in there you will reap rewards that will last a lifetime. ~hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:45am
I would suggest that you and your husband get her some professional help. She needs a safe place where she can talk about her feelings about her mother with someone she has no emotional ties to. I would also again suggest the LD testing.