Stepson thinks he's grown.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Stepson thinks he's grown.
2
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 12:47pm
I'm a stay at home mother of two plus a stepson of a 12 1/2. He will be 13 this month. I have a problem since I've known my husband. I met my husband where I used to work at. He was a patient at the clinic where I worked. My husband used to come with his son all the time. So I assumed he was a single parent. So when I started dating my husband, he told me that he was a single parent. His son grew up without a mother. My husband told me that his son's mother was locked up in prison. My problem is my stepson does whatever he wants. He's out all day and comes home around 9:00 p.m. My husband doesn't say a word at all. they don't interact with each other and surely don't have communication. My husband tells me that I'm too strict with my nine year ols son. But I don't want my son to end up in gangs or whatever kids do these days. I feel like I have no authority in my home. I don't want my step son to talk back to me or hate me. I don't think he likes me. He never says anything to me. He just passes by me and doesn't say a word. He hangs around with older kids, like 16 or 17 year olds. There was a time when kids would come over to the house and spend the night, but I put my foot down and I told my husband that I didn't want kids at the house anymore. I don't know these kids. They are so rude. Whenver they come over, they don't even say hi or how are you doing Mrs Hernandez. That pisses me off! I don't know why I don't say anything. I kind of feel bad for my stepson because he doesnt have any parental guidance at all. His mother is locked up and his father works all day. He's not a bad kid he just needs guidance. He's starting to speak like a thug. I don't want my son exposed to that kind of enviroinment. Also, my stepson doesn't have any responsibilities at home. He just comes and go. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to be home anymore. What should I say? I know I'm not his mother, but I need to start putting rules at home. And right now there is none.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:36pm

no experience with step situations. I gather from the boards it is considered 'bad form' for the step parent to discipline

BUT his bio mom is TOTALLY out of the picture. You are all he has so I think that guideline flies out the window-its not like you are telling him one thing and she is saying another!

Write up a plan. Give him ONE chore-baby steps.

Id let 9pm go for now and start a curfew when school starts-put what you decide in teh plan

Create a family night-let DH pick which night. Rent a DVD, play board games, play cards-something for at least 2 hours. EVERYONE must attend.

Sit down with DH when he is not stressed or tired and lay out your plan. Keep it simple-2-3 changes is plenty. Avoid bringing up anything else but the items on the plan. NOt greeting you is IME not overly unusual for teen boys-theyre pretty self centered. Does DH greet you and set an example. If not, maybe that can be on the NEXT plan

Baby steps

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 11:57am

What time does your DH get home from work? If he is home around 6:00 or so, why isn't his son at home eating dinner? Does he even know where his son is? I have a little experience since I have a 17 yo DD and 16 yo DSD and when they were 13, they weren't just wandering around on their own til 9:00 p.m. If my DD was at a friend's house, then I knew where she was. I think that's when I first started to let her go to the mall w/ friends but a parent dropped them off & picked them up.

It sounds like your DH isn't interested in his son at all. I really feel bad for this kid w/ mom absent and dad doesn't seem to care. Do you think that your DH would be receptive to any kind of parenting class or book about kids? or does he think everything is your responsibility since you're at home? I can't understand why his son doesn't have any chores.

I think it's a bad sign if a kid is hanging w/ kids 3 yrs. older and nothing good can come of it. I am thinking of my DH's nephew who is 16. He stayed at our house many times and never gave us any trouble cause he knows that my DH wouldn't put up w/ any nonsense. Well, this kid in the past 2 yrs. has been in trouble w/ the law, threatened his stepdad w/ a knife, was smoking, probably using drugs, etc. He ended up in a juvenile facility and I think he's still there. Some of it I think is that his mother thinks he's too much trouble. She works full time and doesn't devote much attention to him when she's home, neither does his stepdad. His father doesn't seem to be involved. This is a middle class family who basically gave him a lot of material stuff, but not much guidance as far as I can see. But if you don't start setting some rules now, what's going to happen when he gets older?